Without A Doubt

Chapter 53.

I held onto Liv for dear life. Silently pleading with her to just be okay. To not feel the way, I know she is. I wish I could take it away. I wish I could make it all just stop. As I held her I felt all of her pain. I felt the movements in her body as she cried into me. I felt her hands holding onto my shirt as she tried to calm herself.

Slowly but surely Liv's tears started to dry. Once her tears had stopped and she looked as though she could breathe again she removed her head from my chest and wiped her cheeks with her hands. She still wouldn't look at me. She kept looking down at her hands. She would take in a deep breath every now and then. She would hold it and then would let it out slowly. I could tell she was still trying to close the flood gates that were her tear ducts.

As I sat there I felt as broken as she looked. I felt utterly helpless. I know it's not my place to fix everything. And normally when people are crying around me my only thought is to make them more comfortable, not to try and fix the situation that's causing the tears. But this is different. I didn't care about the other people. I care about Liv. I love her. And seeing her cry, it's killing me. I can feel all of my muscles tensing up. For some reason I wanted to cry too, but I didn't. I forced the words out of my mouth again.

"Liv? Are you okay?" My voice came out soft and almost apologetic. Liv, who was still looking down at her hands, just shook her head saying no.

"Talk to me. Please." I was begging at this point. The thoughts in my head were piling up, taking over.

"She, she replaced us."

"What're you talking about?" Liv looked up at the ceiling and took a breath. As she did I saw a couple more tears fall from her eyes.

"She's going to marry another man. And that girl, it's his daughter." Liv buried her face in her hands again. Without hesitation I wrapped my arms around her again.

When Liv gained her composure again, she recapped the whole story for me. Every now and then she would stop because the words hurt too much to say. During those moments I remained as still as possible, almost as if I were afraid to move. Because if I did it would make her cry more. I know it's unreasonable and somewhat stupid but it's true. I felt like I was going to say the wrong thing. Make the wrong move. I don't know.

The way Liv explained it is that a couple weeks ago her mom called her. Out of the blue as normal. Although this time her mother had news. Normally when she calls it's the same old 'how are you' 'how's school'. All the bullshit small talk that comes with the obligatory phones call that are made out of guilt. This time though she dropped the bomb on her that she was in a relationship with some man she met at work, and that they were engaged. That's the reason she had been acting so strange. It made sense now. She didn't tell me. She didn't say why but I didn't need an explanation. I'm not entitled to all the thoughts in her head. I also think she didn't tell me because of the fact that when you say something out loud it makes it real. Words may not be tangible, but once you say them you can't take them back, they're real.

At this point her dad knew about the whole situation. Whether or not he knew about it before or after Liv did I don't know. Neither one of them talked about it though. It had just been this unspoken thing between them. Apparently after that phone call her mom went to radio silence until yesterday. Her mom texted her and said that she wanted to talk. Liv thought that they'd talk after school, so when she picked her up in the middle of class it came as a shock. Liv was also under the impression that it would be just the two of them, something that happened in a very long time. It wasn't though. Her mom took her and Savannah out to eat. From what Liv said it went something like this.

Liv was dying. The entire while her mom and Savannah were pretending as though nothing was wrong. As if this situation was normal. As if her heart wasn't breaking into a million pieces the entire time. In the middle of all of it Liv realized that her mom had spent a lot of time with Savannah. She knew little details about her and vice versa. After a while Liv just stopped talking. Neither one of them seemed to notice too much though. Every now and then her mom would give her a look as if saying 'don't be rude'. Liv would then just smile at savannah all the while trying not to cry. The car ride home was unbearable. Liv was in the backseat while Savannah and her mom were listening to songs and singing along to them. A few tears fell as she sat there in the backseat watching her mom act as though she wasn't even there. She wiped them away though. She knew if her mom saw she would have a conniption. Ask her whys she's crying? That they just had a great lunch. That she's being dramatic.

When they got back to Liv's house they all got off the car to say goodbye and whatnot. Liv tried to be civil with Savannah. She knew it wasn't her fault she was in this situation, but at the same her presence made everything more difficult. Apparently in whatever way Liv said her goodbyes, it wasn't acceptable to her mom. Or should I say, it wasn't sincere enough and her mom caught on. They all followed Liv into the house, and her mom followed her into the room. The second the door closed Liv started crying, she couldn't hold it in anymore. She had her back to her mom though. She didn't want her to see her cry.

"That was rude." Her mom said. Liv just turned around and looked at her. Her mom just looked at her.

"Why're you crying? What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? You're joking right?" At this Liv started going off. Asking her how it was so easy to just go and find a new replacement family. Telling her that just because she found a new daughter doesn't mean that she's Liv's family.

"How could you just call me out of nowhere and say you want to talk and then bring her with you?"

"I wanted you two to meet."

"What makes you think I wanted to meet your replacement daughter?"

"I didn't replace you. I found a man I love and I'm going to marry him. I love both you and Savannah." At this Liv broke.

"You shouldn't love her the same way you love me. I'm your daughter. Not her. You know her favorite songs. You knew what she would want at the restaurant. You don't know anything about me."

"That's not true. You're my daughter. Of course, I know you."

"What's my favorite color?"

"Yellow." Liv's favorite color is green. Yellow was her favorite color when she was like 7. Things change though.

"You don't know anything about me. But how could you. You walked out on dad and I when I was 13. I'm not a little girl anymore."

"What do you want from me Liv? Your father and I had irreconcilable differences."

"Is that what you told the divorce lawyer?"

"That's enough."

"I guess you're not used to having a kid that argues. Savannah must be perfect."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Because you left. Me and dad. You left us. When I needed you most you left. And now all of a sudden, you're here with a girl, and you're going to be her mom now? What makes her so much better than me?" Liv said that the look her mom gave her didn't say specifically what it was but she knew that it was because she's gay, and that her mom can't accept it. Somewhere in between all of that her dad got home. Liv had been texting him all day telling him where they were and whatnot. Liv says she thinks he went home early to save her. While her parents were talking Liv called me to go get her.

When Liv had finished catching me up on what had happened she sat back in my seat and looked up at the roof. I felt my own heart breaking for her. I couldn't even imagine how I would feel if I were in that situation. I can promise I wouldn't have been able to hold it together as long as she did. I turned her chin towards me so that she was looking at me.

"I love you. No matter what. I can't even imagine what you're feeling. I don't know your mom, and I have no right to give any input as to what I think. But I know this much. You are worth so much more than what you're feeling right now. And no matter what you think, none of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong. You aren't replaceable. Not to me. Not to anyone that knows and loves you. It's not your fault." Liv was crying again. I pulled her forehead to mine and just let her cry. I didn't know what else to do. I love this girl so much. And seeing her like this, breaks everything in me. But I will always be here for her. No matter what.