Without A Doubt

Chapter 7.

People like you. People like you. People like you. I can hear her voice. I can hear her saying those words in my head. They just keep playing over and over and over on a loop. I can't stop replaying that conversation in my head. The way she looked at me, it was like she was looking at a memory. People only ever see what they want to see, there's no changing that. I can't help what people think about me, but for someone to judge me based solely on what they've heard about me is disturbing, but not surprising. It's never bothered me before. Emma always jokes that I don't have feelings. Funny thing is I don't think she's wrong. Feelings in general are hard for me, not just in relationships. Half the time I feel like a terrible person. If Emma were to leave right now I don't think it would hurt. It would feel hollow. I know this because I've felt it before. When something happens, I can never pinpoint a feeling. I can never locate a specific feeling, all I feel is a hollowness. It's just an empty feeling that usually goes away as soon as it came. I don't normally get upset about things very often, things don't hurt my feelings. But this, this got to me.

I walked through the first couple of classes in a blur. They all just sort of faded together, I didn't even bother to take my headphones out. I felt like I was sleep walking. I was there but I wasn't. I was trying to get my thoughts under control but I couldn't. They weren't spiraling, just circling. I was trying to get my thoughts to change to anything aside from Liv and our conversation this morning but I couldn't. My brain wouldn't let go of this. I didn't feel like I was going to have a panic attack so that's an upside but I still felt off. I need something to get this out of my head. Sometimes I wish Eli hadn't moved away. She was a grade ahead of me, and she was also the only one who ever knew about my 'condition'. The only reason she knew was because she found the medication in my track bag one time. Eli was the only one who could help me when I'm like this.

Wading through the day was quick and painless. I didn't talk much but no one seemed to mind. That is until I got to 6thperiod English. Emma knew something was up but she wasn't going to push me to talk. That's one thing I like about her. She never feels entitled to the thoughts in my head. Maybe that's why it never works out with the girls I date. They always get offended that I don't talk to them about how I feel and all that nonsense. For starters I don't have a very broad range of emotions. Impulses on the other hand are always present, but those don't require effort. Not unless I'm trying not to act on an impulse, we all saw how well that went with Liv this morning. Secondly, I don't know how to talk about my feelings. It makes me uncomfortable to talk about what's in my head. It makes me uncomfortable when people tell me all their dirty little secrets too but it's easier to listen than to explain.

Long periods of silence make people uncomfortable. So, since I wasn't talking much, Emma was talking to me about our plans for tomorrow. She was going through lists of parties we could go too, or if I just wanted to stay in and all that. Since basketballs about to officially start we've been trying to stock up on high school milestones such as parties and bonfires and all that before all my Fridays get stolen by games. Not that I care about making memories.

"We could go to the football game tomorrow?" This was surprising. We never actually went to the games, we always just went to the after parties. Em doesn't like football which works out perfectly for me because I can't deal with all the noise and the people.

"I thought you didn't like football?" I was trying not to seem conspicuous.

"I don't, but we should go to at least one game. Might as well go see the worst football team in the entire county." She laughed. Our football team hasn't been to the playoffs in the past 20 years. Last season they only won about 3 games maybe.

"If you want to."

"Come on it'll be fun. We can do that face paint thing that everyone does." I hate when people do that.