Without A Doubt

.Chapter 51.

£Warning. The following may cause anxiety£

The second I got home I thought I was going to implode from nervous energy. I can't stop thinking about Liv. As soon as she said family stuff I started worrying. There are so many thoughts running through my head that I can't even see straight. My eyes feel cloudy. Everything is going too fast and too slow at the same time. Driving home my mind was going 100 miles a minute, but I felt like the car was moving so slow. It only took me 10 minutes to get to my house but it was hell. I was going about 15 miles over, it's a miracle I didn't get pulled over. Even though I was speeding my body felt anxious. I wondered if it would be faster if I just pulled the car over and started running. At least if I was running I could exhaust myself to the point where I wasn't thinking. To the point where my cells didn't feel like they were vibrating because of the nervous energy flowing through me.

I didn't bother taking my bags out of the car. I just got down, tried to keep my fingers off my neck, went inside and put my phone down on the counter. As soon as I was inside though I had this feeling. Like I was trapped again. Trapped in my own head, trapped in an empty house. Alone with nothing but my thoughts. Liv hasn't text me back since earlier. The only text I sent was 'call me when you can. Please be okay'. Emma is in athletics right now so she doesn't have her phone. If I were at least texting someone or talking to someone I could stop fixating on the fact that I have no idea what's going on.

Not knowing things is terrifying. They say ignorance is bliss but to me that's just stupid. I'd rather know what's going on, because when I don't, all I can do is fixate and circle around every terrible option. Liv said it was family stuff. Did something happen to her dad? Did something happen to her mom? Did her mom do something? Did her dad lose his job? Are they moving? Is she leaving me? What if something happened with her mom and she can't date me?

The thoughts were eating me alive. I hadn't even realized that I was pacing around the kitchen with my fingers still on my neck. I pulled them off and tried to think of something, but I can't. I looked down at my hands and realized they were still shaking. The second I realized that my hands were shaking I started spiraling. My hands are shaking, that means I'm anxious. If I'm anxious that can lead to a panic attack. If I have a panic attack I'll stop breathing. If I stop breathing there's no oxygen going to my brain. If there's no oxygen going to my brain then my brain will start to die because I'll have a stroke. If my brain isn't working my other organs and autonomic bodily functions will stop. If that happens my heart will stop and I'll really die. Fuck.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop thinking. Stop spiraling. Stop scratching.

I sat down on the kitchen floor with my back against the wall and put my head on my knees. Over and over, I just kept telling myself that I'm okay. My breath was coming out in ragged short bursts. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something. Anything. Anything other than the way I'm feeling. As I sat there trying I felt a tear start running down my cheek. Breathe. I brought my hand down from my neck and started tapping my fingers on the floor. In my head I started counting my heartbeat. I focused on it. I felt my valves opening and closing. I felt the beat in my stomach and just counted. If I lost count I'd start over. Over and over. Number after number.

I don't know how long it took, but after what felt like an eternity, I finally started to calm down. I took deep breaths and focused my fingers that were still tapping the ground. I pulled my head off of my knees and looked up at the ceiling. I took in another breath and held it for a little bit before letting it out. When the air came out of my lungs I felt a couple more tears fall from my tear ducts. I took in more deep breaths until I felt like I was somewhat okay. I sat there on the floor for another 10 minutes or so just staring off into space, trying to collect myself.

I was still in the middle of trying to get my body and thoughts under control when I heard buzzing. I slowly stood up from the floor. As I stood I let my fingers find their way back to my neck. When I pulled them off there was a little bit of blood on them. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped the blood off my fingers and off of my neck. I then heard my phone buzzing some more. When I looked down and saw the contact I felt my heart skip a beat. I answered the phone and put it to my ear.

"Liv?"