Disordered Eating (Skephalo)

Zak's Journal Entry #14

Zak's POV

I was expecting Journal Entry #13 to be the last entry I put on my phone. Somehow I am alive. I left the apartment after my suicide note was created and I kept walking. There was a few times I thought about going back, but then I would remember George and my trauma and my eating disorder and then I would realize it was for the "better" for me to do it.

So how am I here ?

I kept walking and I got to this really high bridge. There was no chance for me to jump and make it. I looked over the ledge for like 5 minutes, and thought again if it was the best thing to do.

I cried a bit on the bridge, and decided it was for the better.

I looked to make sure no cars were in sight. This road was a fairly quiet one, so I didn't have to worry much. I stepped up on the edge. Anxiety bubbled up inside of me as I stood on the edge.

"What if this is a mistake?"

However, deep down then I thought I knew what I was doing.

My heart was beating 10,000 per second, and I made a sick joke in my head that my poor malnourished heart would get to me first. I hyperventilated and cried a bit. I didn't want to be in a place like this.

I was about to take my final breath and step off the edge when then a man came up to me screaming. I was startled and almost fell off from that, but managed to stay on the edge.

The man talked some hope into me. He told me his hame was Darryl and offered me to move in with him. I couldn't do it after that. Darryl was one person who seemed to really care about me and what happens to me. It was so touching to hear.

I was suddenly so scared I was gonna fall off the edge from trying to get off it, but Darryl helped me down. I felt so safe with Darryl, despite the fact he was a complete stranger. I felt so overwhelmed from my emotjons and I just hugged Darryl and cried on the side against that bridge. We stayed there for a long time it felt like, just holding each other.

I noticed he had a dog.

I love dogs.

He kept calling the dog a "Rat" which was interesting to me. I pet Rat and felt both overwhelming joy in sadness. Dogs were so loving and pure. I always wanted a dog.

I felt very weak from excerting my energy and crying like that. Darryl went slow at a good pace for me to get to his apartment. He didn't ask why I was so weak and skinny. We just kept walking in silence with the dog.

I think I made the right decision in listening to Darryl, but now I had a problem.

I think I have some kind of feelings for Darryl.

Maybe it's only because he saved my life. Maybe it's too early. However, Darryl and his dog made me feel a lot of joy. Walking back with him and the dog with my head on his shoulders sent butterflies (not the normal kind from running on empty) down my stomach. My heart felt lit up, but I felt stupid for catching a crush this quick. It had to be the hero thing, right?

It had to be.

However, that didn't make it go away.

His apartment was actually quite nice. It wasn't as messy as my apartment with George, but to him I could tell it was a big deal. I learned when we walked in then that he liked muffins.

He tried to ask if I was hungry, which also was suprising that he didn't bring up me having an eating disorder after, and I said I wasn't. He gave me water to drink though and a dog treat to feed Rat. Rat eating it out of my hand was so cute.

I wanted to open up to Darryl when he asked me questions, but it was really difficult for me to. I stayed silent a lot, but I asked him for a hug.

Darryl is a really good hugger.

His hug shot more light into me and sent even more butterflies down my stomach which almost made me nauseous. He made me feel very loved. He doesn't love me though...

I pulled away from the hug first, as I started to feel insecure for clinging onto him like that. He sat down next to me on the couch. I felt like I was sweating but he didn't notice. He continued to talk to me, and I learned he was gay.

He thought I was gay when I mentioned George texted me. When I told him about George I was worried he was going to be homophobic at me, but Darryl was very supporting. He felt embarassed for assuming I was gay, but it makes sense considering I told him George was my boyfriend. He hugged me again like before. It's so loving and warm.

George in the messages was screaming at me in capitals about how I left the apartment and how he read my suicide note. I didn't want to respond to him, but he would have probably called the cops thinking I was dead if he wouldn't, if he didn't already. I messaged him that I was alive but that I refuse to come home. I didn't tell him we were done for yet, as I didn't want him to destroy my stuff before I could sneak back in to get my essentials.

George demanded to know where I was at, but I refused to let him know. I don't want George anywhere near me.

I ended up falling asleep with Darryl on his couch, which made me blush heavily. Darryl sleeping was so cute and calming. I hope he doesn't wake up to see me blush.