Disordered Eating (Skephalo)

Zak's Not Journal Entry #16

Zak's POV

I started feeling better from my last "journal entry" that I did from this hospital. Well, in some ways. I talked it out with the psychiatrist during our private session about Darryl. He told me that I should take things slow with Darryl, and that Darryl should research how to help me as a friend, not the main source of help. He told me I should communicate how I feel.

I didn't feel as down as I did before after those sessions. I also opened up a tiny amount about my trauma, enough to where I wouldn't get triggered. He prescribed me Zoloft. It's supposed to help with my trauma related anxiety.

However, being in the hospital made me put on weight. I gained 15 pounds while I was in the hospital, and it made me cry whenever I would look down at myself. I was not proud of myself or liked my body at all. I should have realized I would have to eat here. My mind keeps thinking on how I should lose it all again.

When I get back home, it's time to exercize like crazy.

If Darryl would let me.

No- Darryl wouldnt. He wouldn't want me to exert my energy or try to burn off food quickly. He would make sure I was doing okay.

Maybe I could sneak out and run laps around the neighborhood?

But then I remember about how Darryl was so scared for me to where he had a nightmare. I wouldn't want him to have a panic attack about me actually being gone, even though I would just be running.

I couldn't risk that.

My disordered eating will have to change, but I'm not sure I am ready.

Do I want to get better at all?

That was a question I'd have to figure out.

I felt a bit more overwhelmed at this hospital than I thought I would.

Darryl came visiting again today. He brought me a minecraft cow. It was really cute. I held all his stuffed animals close to me when I was in my room.

Darryl talked to me about the things he did at home. He talked about his streams, and what he did on his server. He read ban appeals before coming here. Apparently some ban appeals are really stupid. Darryl sounds really cute when he talks.

I showed Darryl my painting that I made during our forced art session. I was actually really proud of it. There was an anorexic man in the focus, with bones sticking out. He was sitting there with his hands covering his face, balled up. There was darkness surronding him and monsters in the background. He had thick, brown ropes wrapped around him all over his body. He was naked. Tears were visible falling down the painting.

The picture was of me.

Darryl was absolutely shocked to see the painting. He said it was good when he was here, but he seemed upset about it. He kept saying to me that I am more than that.

I told him art was an expression, and it's not bad I painted that. That painting helped something inside of me, only slightly.

He still looked at me with a concerned mom look on his face. He reached up and patted my head. I blushed.

Then, the nurse came in and told him visiting times were up. Darryl got up and hugged me in my bed. He placed a kiss on my forehead and ruffled my head.

"I love you, muffin."

Then he left me here. I wish the nurse waited a bit. Visiting hours are so weird here.

After he left, I cuddled up with my minecraft cow until meal time. The nurse came up to my room and we walked to the cafeteria. I felt tears well up in my eyes already as we walked.

Don't they understand how hard this is?

The nurse sat across from me and watched me eat my meal. I closed my eyes tight and tried to dissociate myself as I ate. I pretended I was with Darryl, not here in a hospital eating dinner. It worked, until I started feeling full. I opened my eyes and sobbed.

"Alright Zak, that's enough for now." The nurse said to me.

I guess I ate enough to satisfy them.

After meal time, my roommate was back in our room. I could tell he was freaked out over how skinny I am. He kept glancing at my bones. My roommate wasn't anorexic like me, so I must be a sight to see. I wonder if he thought he should have been paired up with a less disturbing roommate.

My roommate was named Vincent. He seemed to not be from around here. He spoke in a very thick accent, and I think he was muttering French to himself.

I finally looked over at him and asked why he was here.

Apparently, this French man had moved here and suddenly felt very lonely. His family didn't accept him and neither did anyone back at home, so he figured America would be better. Vincent moved here and felt very lonely. He felt even worse than he did when he was in France. Vincent became even more depressed. He was self harming like he did when he was younger again, and he accidentally cut too deep. He woke up and was in the hospital. Apparently the landlord walked in and found him, as they were doing random pop up inspections. He was very lucky the landlord got there before he bled out.

Vincent has been here longer than me. I was his only roommate, and he was leaving tomorrow. Vincent and I talked for hours. I asked him about France, and how different it is from America. Vincent and I also talked about why I'm here. For some reason, I opened up my story. I guess its because we're both "crazy." We're definitely both broken.

Vincent seemed horrified to hear my story. I wonder why I told him. He was a complete stranger. Even Darryl didn't know it yet.  He told me he felt stupid for talking about his problems now. I told him he is valid because he is. My problems may be bad, but it doesn't make anyone elses not matter. If he's depressed, he's depressed.

It's not a competition.

I handed Vincent a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. I told him I won't be out for another week now, but that I can be his friend. Vincent said he will text me when he's out.

It was nice talking to someone kind of like me.

Vincent seemed to not be a bad person too.

I wonder how shocking it was for him to wake up in the hospital. He wasn't even trying to die, he was just trying to survive. It must have been confusing.

Vincent decided to go to bed now, and I don't have much else to write about. I just miss Darryl and want to feel him holding on to me. I want to hear Darryl's heart beat. I want his skin against mine.

I can't wait to be released.