Disordered Eating (Skephalo)

Zak's Journal Entry #18

Zak's POV

Having a heart attack was the scariest thing I have ever gone through. I could feel myself quickly fading away as my chest tightened and I hit the ground. I heard Darryl scream and faded away from reality.

This was the result of my Eating Disorder.

I almost died.

Darryl saved my life yet again. He gave me CPR until the paramedics arrived. Apparently it's a miracle that worked, and that it could have been a failure.

Miracle.

The doctors and nurses used that word around me a lot. Me being alive after heart surgery was a 'miracle.' Me not dying sooner was a 'miracle.' The CPR was a 'miracle.'

I still didn't feel really lucky about having to be in the hospital room again.

Apparently, I was in a special unit. It wasn't the psych ward, although I did have a psychiatrist. This unit was to monitor me medically to make sure I safely start eating again.

Having the heart attack really scared me, enough to try this time. I cried everytime any food was put in me as I was going against my inner voice. The voice was getting louder and more violent, but I had to fight it to live.

And I wanted to live.

They had to get me to a more medically safe weight before I went to any kind of psychiatric center. That was the most terrifying part. All my life, I've been trying to control that number. I've tried to keep it as small as possible. Being a skeleton was comforting in a sick way. It was familiar. It was "family."

The psychiatrist always reminded me that my weight was an abusive family.

My organs are really messed up, which is why I need to restore my body now. The process needs to start now. The doctors and nurses sounded really urgent saying this.

I've been here for half a year working on this. I cry at night because I'm not able to spend time with Darryl or Rocco like this. I miss them both really badly, despite the fact that Darryl came in everday since I woke up.

Darryl sort of lays on the hospital bed with me and cuddles me there. Sometimes we talk about what's going on in here and outside. Sometimes we just watch a show together on the hospital's TV. It's usually one of those bad reality TV shows.

Darryl was sometimes here when there was a mealtime. The nurses would bring me food and I would eat it. I was eating a lot of food compared to normal for me. He always made sure to comfort me as I was eating and made me feel more safe doing so. He would hold my hand tight and whisper to me that he loves me. He told me he wanted me to get better so badly. I could tell he did. He seemed really emotionally scarred by my heart attack. Daryl's bridge nightmares have gotten worse.

I have to do this for him, and for myself.

Vincent visited sometimes too, although less often. He and Darryl hang out a lot, and Vincent helps take care of the dogs when Darryl spends all day here. He and Clay didn't work out apparently. I hope my incident at our card game didn't make Clay step away somehow.

I'm up to 98 pounds. I read it on my nurse's sheet that I wasnt supposed to see. The number made me feel ashamed of myself, as I had been 75 pounds for so long. 98 was terrifying.

My psych helped work with me on my fears of weight game. We did a body dysmorphia test together in the hospital room. I had to predict what I thought my measurements are with the yarn. My estimates were quite large. I thought of George's words as I did the yarn, but then she actually measured me.

Over on a table we had what I thought I looked like and what I actually did. The results were shocking to me. Each yarn was so.. small. Very small. I thought it couldn't be real, but it was. My thighs were less than someone's arms. My stomach was way smaller than it should have been.

I was so wrong.

I was so sick.

"You're not happy," The psych said, "you're only happy with Darryl. Eating and getting the proper nutrients will make your life happy. You will get to spend more time with Darryl. You will not feel as much pain physically and emotionally. You will be able to do more with him. Recovery will be hard, but you can be happy, Zak."

I'm not happy.

But I could be.