Disordered Eating (Skephalo)

Zak's Not Journal Entry #15

Zak's POV

Darryl dropped me off at the hopsital, so I can't journal in the same way I did before. I can only write on some loose leaf paper with nonsharp pencils. They took my phone from me, which I understand.

I'm not used to writing on something not locked behind a secure folder so no one can read it. It makes me really anxious for something like this to not be encrypted. Encryption has protected me before.

I feel like I made a mistake in some ways. I actually kissed Darryl. We only knew each other for a day. Isn't that unhealthy?

I didnt regret it though. Darryl actually kissed me back.

He kissed me back.

I don't know what this means. We didn't really talk about it. I'm scared what will happen. I've never not been hurt by someone you think you could trust. Can I even handle a healthy relationship? 

It wouldn't be fair to Darryl. I have bad trauma. I don't know how I would be able to cope. I am not a healthy person with a healthy brain.

I'm a really unhealthy person.

I'm a broken person.

I'm not a person at all but shards of broken glass.

I try to pick up the pieces of myself but get cut and scraped along the way.

I start crying in my hopsital room, silently. My roommate is in his therapy lesson.

It's not been easy, I've been being forced to eat too. They've given me the tube.

They're really scared for me. They say I have a bad heart.

Not suprising considering how broken I am.

Maybe Darryl shouldn't have-

No, Darryl saved me. I love Darryl.

But I'm going to hurt him. I can't stand the thought of that. I'm so unstable. I need therapy, not a boyfriend. I'm technically still with George.

George has been texting me violent things like crazy.

He's been calling me nothing. Telling me when I come back home he's going to hit me and beat me up until I bleed and cry. He keeps saying he's going to track me and break my bones. He says I'm worthless and that he knew I was a stupid fat pig. He says he wouldn't actually be sad if I did jump off a bridge.

I feel scared of him. This was his phone technically. Would that mean he would get the police to find me for stealing his phone?

No- Darryl would protect me.

Darryl is amazing. I owe him a lot. I'm scared that he'll decieve me though. I keep thinking about how I shouldn't have kissed him so soon, but then it makes me feel warm inside.

My brain is so confused.

I love Darryl, I know that.

Am I ready to love Darryl?

Can he even love me, since I'm nothing?

Darryl and I went to my old apartment today, before we went to the hospital. I nearly started crying, but held it all in. I remember walking in me and George's room and how he would beat me for eating too much, or for doing something stupid like I always do. I remembered passing the bathroom how he'd make me purge or help me do it.

I want to purge right now. I feel so out of control with everything, though things should get better.

My suicide note was on the table in the living room, crumbled up. I guess George read it. I originally left my note in the kitchen, taped to the fridge.

How fitting, considering this eating disorder is my whole life.

I actually fainted for a few seconds when I was walking to that bridge. Some lady ran up to me and gave me water. She asked if I wanted food too and I denied. I drank the water though, and still kept walking.

I faint daily. I don't have enough energy.

In the hospital, I haven't fainted. They don't let me move much. I think they want to send me to an inpatient eating disorder residential treatment center, but I want to stay with Darryl.

It's scary here. I know it's safe here, but Darryl was really comforting at his place.

I asked them about intensive outpatient instead, but then I realized I don't have a job either way. I have no insurance.

Oh god, is Darryl paying for all this?

I'm not worth that kind of money.

George would remind me that he was being generous when he got me gifts since I wasn't worth any money.

Is George right? I've been treated my whole life as worthless until Darryl came around.

I wonder if George will realize I came and got my stuff.

I don't mind the hospital, but I do really miss Darryl. At the hospital we do group therapy in the mornings, we eat breakfast after, we paint or do some kind of activity, we have independent therapy, and then we have free time except for lunch and dinner.

They make sure I eat, or they tube me. I literally sob when we have meals, but I eat them. Unless my head is so bad to where I get tubed. 

Darryl comes to visit everyday during visiting hours. Visiting hours is weird and small here. He buys me a stuffed animal everyday. It's really comforting.

We still haven't discussed the kiss as I said, but I can tell we're both thinking about it. He just smiles and asks how things are going here.

Darryl before he leaves talks to my doctor or nurses. He asks me about staying for inpatient, but I deny like with my doctors myself. Darryl is willing to pay for the intensive outpatient.

I need a job one day if I'm living with Darryl.

He suggested I make videos with him, and maybe I will.

Could I handle that? Could I pretend like that?

I'm not sure of anything anymore.

The therapy sessions are helping a bit, I just have so much to talk about and it's not like this hospital is just for me.

I'm going to be released in a week with Darryl, but I will start outpatient immediately.

Am I going to start recovery?

I'm not sure I am ready.