Disordered Eating (Skephalo)

Zak's Journal Entry #17

Zak's POV

I did a bad thing. A very bad thing.

I enjoyed having some of that skippy peanut butter.

My head said that is bad. I don't know if it's bad. Darryl wants me to enjoy it. I did enjoy it, but my head kept screaming at me the nutritional information on the back of the jar. Maybe it would have been easier if I didn't look at that.

I told Darryl I'd work on recovery too. Am I just lying to him now? Some people don't want recovery. Some people want to continue starving themselves to get as tiny as possible to be able to cope with life. Some don't want to give up their control.

I had to gain my control back especially after the weight gain in the hospital. Skippy's peanut butter was just the icing on the.. cake? I haven't ever really had cake before.

Darryl trusted me to be alone in my room. I suppose he thought I would be safe in there from purging or harming myself. I sat on the bed and silently cried after I made myself threw up in a bag I had secretly brought with me.

Purging felt like hell. I wish I never started to purge.

Purging is so uncomfortable and disgusting. The whole concept makes me feel shitty  as I had to overeat to get there in the first place, and then I have to make myself vomit. It feels like fire in my throat and mouth, but I guess that's the stomach acid. It gets harder to breathe after purging, and the acid starts to burn me. I could almost feel George rubbing my back that time. Purging makes me feel disgusting  and worthless. I feel guilt bubble up inside of me as well as the nausea bouncing around jn my stomach. I get a headache from working myself up like that. My body feels weaker, and I just feel awful.

Purging really messed with me.

I decided I should stop trying to purge for Darryl at least. My anorexia was still a part of me I wasn't sure I wanted to give up. Purging always made me feel bad.

After purging, I grabbed my blade as well and cut into my arm. I just felt so awful and dead. Instant pain and relief shot into my body. I closed my eyes enjoying it for the few seconds.

Then the feeling worse part came in.

I layed back in bed after I changed into a hoodie and put my blade away. Maybe I should have never left the hospital. I wasn't ready. I thought I was ready.

I started to spiral into my thoughts until I started to think of Darryl.

It wasn't fair for me to be doing all of this while he sat in the other room.  It wasn't fair at all.

Should I just always be hospitalized?

I sat up and wiped my tears from my face. Darryl wanted to play that block game from what I remember. That could help me feel better.

We started playing, and I chose the name Skeppy. I suggested Skippy since it was the start of my "recovery," which I thought was a lie. Maybe I would actually recover.

I needed to talk to Darryl too about what our relationship was. I was going to outside the psych ward's, but I just really wanted to kiss him. That kiss was perfect and better than any kiss I have ever received.

Someone ended up being upset with us at the parking lot. I felt kinda down. Darryl didn't seem to mind, I guess he already was used to it.

Me being pansexual was also hard, as a lot of the times people don't like to think me and other pansexuals exist. My family thought I was crazy for being pan.

My family.

I start to feel upset even just writing that. They tried to kill me.

I ask Darryl then if we could cuddle together tonight in my room. He managed to make me feel safe sleeping for the first time in my life. He made me feel loved, which is something I never thought a person like me could have.

I woke up cuddled with Darryl. My phone vibrating woke us. Vincent was sending me a bunch of texts.

Apparently, Vincent was stuck at a party drunk and needed some help.

I told Darryl, and he said we were going now.