Truth

So dysfunctional

"I used to think that the complicated feelings I felt were all because of him; turns out they weren't- girl I'm just as messed up."

Jai's best friend Kayla looked at her friend with compassionate concern it had been six months since the break up and she was torn between thinking that this damage was caused solely by her dating a toxic man. Or that it was a combination of both.

As much as she simply wanted to blame Christopher her opinion of him had changed after meeting him in person and also considering how he handled Jai. Kayla was never one to remain stuck in the past when it came to people.

Her having a Dad who was wrongfully convicted of murder and put to death for it and a mother who was falsely accused of child negligence and lost her children as a result, allowed her to be extremely fair balanced and neutral.

Chris was messed up yes; but he genuinely loved Jai and he had done right by her.

"Jai maybe you neglected to look at your personal issues cause his seemed so much larger- she said as she took a large bite out of a juicy macintosh apple.

Jai sipped her water slowly nodding her head in sheepish agreement.

"It's so easy to hide behind his publicly known issues; everyone saw me as the angel. The put together half ; they warned me to get away if anything."

"That's because the world finds it very hard to comprehend shades of grey Jai as you would know."

Her mind was transported back to her docuseries with Jugabo; the evidence had shown that some of the alleged victims were known for drugging famous artistes and attempting to rape them in order to gain an 18 year paycheck. It also showed that Jugabo like Chris had been involved in a very volitile relationship which ended in him being jailed for attempted murder. 

Further digging showed that his girlfriend at the time African pop princess Nazynga had been deeply involved in gangs and racketeering on the low. There were no clearly innocent or guilty persons in that case.

Which caused his being sentenced to life imprisonment to have a bitter sweet taste. Given that the girls got off from their crimes against men scotch free.

"It's a fact"

" At least he came to you with all of his issues laid bare; not to say that I'm not low-key glad you're no longer dating a man accused of felony assault no matter how hypocritical I know that is."

"I know you're just keeping it 💯"

"It's time that you put him to the side and focus on you, can't you see that is what he wanted for you in the first place. The man didn't break up with you for you to be moping Jai- he did it to protect you and help you grow"

A calm silence descended upon the dining room where they had been sitting and discussing life, whilst preparing articles.

Kayla was an activist and journalist with the LA Times, she took pride in bringing a fair balanced and nuanced look to things that affected persons of all races. Especially with her being a woman of bi- racial decent.

She was well on her way to winning a Pulitzer prize.

"He stalks my Instagram low-key; and I know that he's been following me around,we bump into each other way too often. I don't know how to feel about that"

Kayla went around the cozy oak table and wrapped her arms around her friend.

" He has bipolar disorder Jai , and he fell really hard for you. You know that he struggles with being obsessive- it's not pleasant. But he's not threatening you. And as I said girl you need to ignore him and focus on you; you're on your way to having your own online show and you're here all depressed over him. You know he'd be at your throat for that.

You need to focus on what's most important Jai and that's your mental health, your wellness and your career. 
Have you gone back to Dr.James-Denny?"

Jai played with the bottom of her sweater -hoping that somehow that would allow the question to simply disappear, she knew that wouldn't happen.

She had been so busy lately with interview after interview; more docuseries with everyone from Billie Elish to Justin Beiber from Mary J Blidge to Jagged Edge and even Coldplay. Her career was booming and people genuinely liked her- it helped that people believed she was completely over that: "abusive waste of space". Suddenly she understood part of why Rihanna and Karruche's careers had taken off people really did love to see women kick bad men to the curb.

If only they knew that she was still deeply in love with him. That they would still DM each other and call each other late at night just to chat.

Chris had been quietly going to therapy and genuinely trying to stay off the drugs and away from the women. She had thought that he would have gone wild with the sexcapades since she was no longer in the picture.

But he had kept things as tame as he reasonably could. The man was serious about improving. On the other hand she had kept putting off appointments and refusing to take her depression medication.

Her sleeping patterns were wild and she was in dangerous binge eating territory. She was dysfunctional and on the verge of a breakdown but for some reason she didn't know what to do about it. Things which sounded simple on theory were so hard in practice.

"I know you haven't been taking care of yourself Jai, I can see it. I think it's time you went home or on some kind of actual vacation."

" You know I can't do that right now Kayla- I have to start shooting for Straight Talk with Jai and then after that I'm doing a recurring role as Jessica on Insecure while still hosting at Essence fest I am booked and very busy and I can't just slack off because my manager and team are depending on me.."

"Jai if you don't take some time for you soon there won't be any you left to depend on."

"You can't hide your emotional pain under layers of work - you need to talk to Chris and let him know that you miss him and you need his help. Whether you realized it or not Jai that man kept you grounded. Now I'm not telling you that you need him as a man but I am saying you could do with him as a mentor and friend."

The awkwardness was difficult to digest as it enveloped the room in a heavy and uneasy feeling mostly coming from Jai.

" I still talk with him at night- we still message each other .."

"Jai you playing pretend with your feelings and using him as a distraction from your inner turmoil isn't what I'm talking about. He has 15 years of experience in the entertainment industry,he knows how it all works. I know that the two of you still have feelings for each other, you need to set boundaries and be mature about it."

" What if I start letting him come around again and we have sex and it gets all...."

"You're a woman now Jai you can control that and if it's any help - I can be on site when he visits just to make sure there's no foul play . I mean I'm working remote anyway."

"What side of this coin are you on Kay? I thought you wanted me to just focus on myself?"

The two friends shared an intense stare  the sun started to descend to it's nightly place casting evening shadows throughout the spacious apartment.

Jai took a couple of bites of her ham sandwich as Kayla gathered her thoughts.

"Jai I could bs you and say that you will be able to completely forget about Chris and completely move on- but he's the man who took your virginity. He's the artist you had a massive crush on for years and in spite of the well known and documented flaws he's been genuinely loving to you. I am just as confused as you when it comes to which side I'm on."

With the awkwardness disapating  - hunger emerged. Somewhere in between giggles hugs and random pop culture conversation the girls made their way to KFC for the doughnut chicken sandwich and a well needed break from the inside.