Truth

The story of Chai

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, my heart pounding in my chest as Dr.Jensen sat next to me on the bed in my dorm room. She had given me a challenge to complete for the day, when you hear what it is it's going to seem so simple. To wear a bikini that's it that's the challenge.

To wear a bikini and take a "sexy" picture I know it might seem bizzare a physciatrist making me do this. But Dr.Jensen discovered just how much I hated my body and was simultaneously jealous of girls who had a more stereotypically attractive look Soo she decided to challenge that.

She wasn't your average Dr, but I really needed it. For the past two weeks I had been opening up about my insecurities and mental health struggles in a raw and uncut way.

I was damaged but also healing ; finally healing and to do it meant overcoming challenges like this one.

"Jaiah you've been dragging your feet on this challenge babe, I'm starting to think that this goes far deeper than just you not liking your body is there something we need to talk about?"

In my mind's eye I could see me free and sexy in a teeny little bikini ; I'm light and evervesent just like in those commercials for razors or pads. The vision even has it's own cheesy backtrack, until it morphes into a lake of intense heat and great fire with lucifer and his demons grinning with delight as I am sentenced to a life in hell. I had been getting vivid nightmares every since I started to be more honest about how conflicted I felt as a young christian woman in this time of my life.

Problem was how to even begin to put it in words, Dr.Jensen was a freethinker who denounced church and organized religion as a whole. I didn't want to be influenced to give up my faith especially since it served me well for so long. There's some things that just have to be between an individual and the holy spirit.

"Oh it's nothing Dr J I'm just really bloated today think my period might be coming soon, can I sit this one out?"

Amazingly she obliged, I attempted to settle into bed before being startled by a knock at the door - I should have known better she'd never let me give up on a challenge, her motto was no excuses. The closer I got to the door was the less I believed that it was her, especially when I started to smell colongue. It seemed familliar but I just couldn't place it; it had been six weeks into the three month treatment programe and I hadn't seen Chris in ages but it couldn't be him - nah they wouldn't allow that.

Or would they, I had to admit that I hadn't really read the rule book, I just knew that my parents could visit- which they did on every Thursday and that my brother was hospitalized so he definitely couldn't. I also knew that people could send gifts a glance in the corner at the massive teddy bear and gift basket sent for me from Shine On! proved that.

I was absolutely stunned on that day especially because in that gift basket had laid a personal hand written note from the venomous snake herself. Apparently she too had her share of rehab stays on her way to the top, suddenly she seemed more human and I began to emphatize with her , you can become hardened on the way to the top but maybe that was the only way to survive. Chris had bought me in laden with gifts and essentials the departure was bitter-sweet after the first counselling session.

We had clung to each other the tears freely flowing, Dr. Jensen had decided it was best to keep us seperated for therapy, according to her Chris would become my scapegoat and he would also be stifiled because he'd naturally want to protect me at the cost of himself. This seperation could be why I wrongly assumed he couldn't visit. The day was Thursday so definitely visting day but the hours didn't match for regular visitors especially as it was a mere 9:45.

Who ever it was they were being very patient and quiet , I knew that they were still there only by the scent and the breathing that could be heard behind the very thin walls. The door was more ajar than locked but the policy of the center indicated that you could only be granted access if the inhabitant of the dorm granted you permission aside from you being their assisgned Dr. I knew this because it was plastered all over the walls of the hall I was in.

The walls were a nice blend of fushia and aquamarine bright and cheery but yet mellow, the rooms were very minimalistic but spacious. Hence why I was taking a good two minutes to get to the door. The thought crossed my mind that I could just look into the security cam, but somehow I wanted to be surprised and was enjoyng the thrill of suspence.

I started to hear faint singing and it was then that I knew for certain that it was Chris, now I felt extremely underdressed for the occasion with me being in nothing but a oversided T shirt and comfy cotton underwear. I quickly grabbed at a shorts and hustled my way over to the door fumbling as I attempted to both dress and walk.

As I pulled the door open to meet him face to face I almost fainted, the rehabilitation had done him well his skin had a healthy glow. His teeth gleamed from the easy smile that he gave me, his thin white T shirt revealing healthy weight gain and the emergence of abs. His eyes were free of their typical blurriness as they glistened under the light which was being reflected from the massive windows which overlooked the beach. He looked at least ten years younger, this was the Chris Brown that I swooned over all those years ago and it was surreal.

"Y-y-y ou look good"

My stammers were swiftly interupted as he wraped his arms around my waist pulling me into a deep long kiss, our bodies interlocked with a hunger which was brewing for a month and some. His lips were extra soft and his touches were tender, the tension was practically gone from within his body. I felt like Belle as the Beast transformed into Adam it was nothing short of magical.

Until my insecurities started to hit, he looked so good but I looked like I just rolled out of a haystack. With him improving so much I started to feel even more out of my league.

"Jai, I just want to tell you that you look so amazingly beautiful right now just as you are Dr. Jensen told me that you were scared that I wouldn't want you anymore when I come out of rehab, the irony is that I think about you all day. You're my inspiration to get healthy Jai , and I plan to marry you after we get some couples therapy."

My mouth could have hit the floor, suddenly I felt so silly for thinking he wouldn't want me anymore, Chris was very committed to me this was genuine love and I could see in his eyes the vulnerability of his heart being worn on his sleeve. I wanted to kiss him , hug him something along the lines of the romantic.

But instead I started to bawl; I burried my head into his firm chest and bawled - from there all of the insecurities flowed out as he stroked my hair and just listened. I knew that I was incoherant, I knew that his shirt which was probably at least $200 was now covered in snot. I could feel him gently rock me as I laid it all out.

Before I knew it my eyelids became heavy, when I woke up he was gazing down at me still playing with my hair as he hummed. I didn't realize it at first but he was humming Fix you by Coldplay- I played that song whenever I was really at the end of my emotional rope.

"Jaiah I want you to know that it's okay to be screwed up, hell I know that I am we are all works in progress and I know you've been scared to let me down by showing your inner demons. But I love you as you are, I can't have you wanting to mother me baby I'm 31 years old, I'm somebody's daddy let me take care of you instead. I'm strong enough to do it and I want to"

He wisphered those sentiments in my ears so firmly that I felt at ease, he was right at this point in my life I needed his wisdom. I needed to get rid of my high horse and accept the fact that he was healthier now,  the perception of a out of control thug no longer fit.

Later I would discover that Dr Jensen had allowed Chris a conginal visit, but at that point in time rules didn'tt matter, we talked for hours as we lay with each other. It was like getting to know each other all over again, now the roles were a little reversed and I needed the extra help and watchful eye.

He was going to make sure that I had some time off work to rediscover myself and try new things, the pessimest in me wanted to yell out

"HE'S BECOMING CONTROLLING "

But I knew that wasn't the case he was being firm and disciplined - something that Dr J said existed it was amazing to see how all of the negatives were slowly morphing into very strong character traits that I myself needed to learn. As I looked up into his eyes I felt like the most blessed girl in the world.

The story was Chai was only just beginning.