Truth

Hello My Name is Christopher

Chris was hard at work his face carefully examining the last shot from the mini-movie he was producing for his latest album Indigo; everything had to be on point for Team Breezy. They deserved it. He remembered 09 the backlash which was so great- he'd spent many a night thinking to himself - "I may never sing again" as he drowned his sorrows in numerous bottles of Ciroc, a cocktail of pills and plenty of women. The agony was real - every day he thought of suicide. But from the depths of despair came a determination to succeed and 15 years later he was still here singing; entertaining the biggest male R&B star of his generation.

He chuckled as he recalled just how hard he worked to reach this stage.........

May 2001

"Mama, you think that they gonna like it" His voice was a mixture of giddy excitement and nervousness; Joyce gave him a big smile- " You're born for this Christopher," she said with a voice oozing warmth as she fixed his button-down shirt; her child could be so manish at times at yet - so vulnerable. His frame was very slender with a big head and big teeth - she knew he got bullied but he'd never say; Chris used his fists not his words- sometimes he won most times he didn't. To her, he was the most handsome boy in the world she just wished he saw himself the same. 

Her arms wrapped him up in a warm embrace; she felt his hands cling to her tightly- his heart pounding in his chest. It was in moments like this where she really saw her son- he was a gentle little soul.

"Get ready for the little dancing phenom from Tappahannock - Richmond put your hands together for Christoper Brown"

She watched him as he sprinted out on to the stage from the safety of the curtains- his body gliding across the stage as he sang to Michael Jackson's black or white. Little girls screaming his name - adults staring in awe. There was something there, she knew that she was gazing at the makings of a star.

Chris won that night- his smile gleaming; as he lifted his little plastic trophy - he gazed at his mother his face beaming. Somehow Joyce knew this award wouldn't be the last.

He gazed at his grammy award - as he continued to work the memory of his first talent show win crossing his mind. He wondered if that Chris would be proud of the Chris who existed now- sure he had the success that he always wanted but as a man?

He caught a glimpse of his reflection in his phone- his eyes were filled with a deep hollowness but somehow they still oozed emotion- various emotions under the surface of the superstar still lay an insecure little boy. He knew that it jumped out at people- when he wasn't high or bumping up his thug persona to protect it; it was that vulnerability that allowed people to feel at ease enough to collaborate with him- even after he was demonized.

It was like an open secret in black hollywood  Chris Brown the menacing woman beater was actually a nice guy. How odd the thought- he could read it on their faces after every encounter especially with females; when he first met his dancers they were tense. He had overheard the loud whispers before he stepped in the room

" I heard he didn't stop beating women after Rihanna"

"Well I heard he raped a girl"

" I only came here because I couldn't get Beyonce"

"OMG girl same"

"My brother said if he tries anything he'll kill him"

But as soon as he entered - his movements nervous, eyes searching their faces to see if they were scared of him, as he puffed his cigarette in an effort to calm his anxiety and racing heartbeat. His body lean but compacted with muscle shifting as he moved his weight from one side to the next out of sheer nerves. 

He put out the cigarette and opened his mouth to speak - a cough rudely interrupting his attempt.

"Hello, my name is Christopher Brown and I am the lead artist for this the Heartbreak on a Full Moon tour- I really look forward to working with you guys and I hope we can all learn from each other."

The dancer's faces had softened considerably as their bodies visibly relaxed- the realization hitting them with full force "Chris Brown" and Christopher was not the same. As the months wound on they relaxed further and further coming to see Chris as a part of the family. 

This happened often- often enough to endear him in the hearts of many; he didn't know how to take it especially when most people were two-faced. Rihanna's star shone bright and her money had become quite long- he knew that many people were afraid to say they liked him in public for fear of losing their opportunity to leech. 

He was never mad at Robyn - only at himself; with Karruche he was remorseful in a different sense especially as their relationship had lasted far longer. Chris was a loyal sort underneath the empty sexcapades which were used to numb his internal anguish; he longed to have a wife and children and a partner who understood him for him. 

Jai laid in a league of her own- considerably younger than him but matured; at least as mature as she could be at 21. He knew that as messed up as he was he still served a father figure role; he could see it when she gazed into his eyes it was almost as if she wanted to pluck out all of his worldly wisdom but was too scared to approach the topic. 

He scared her not because she thought he'd hurt her- but because deep down she knew she was very inexperienced. What she couldn't begin to comprehend was the terror that he felt; knowing that he had the power to shape her and mold her. 

She reminded him of royalty and of fatherhood and it spooked him- because he still craved her. Her curvaceous body with those thick thighs and hips that infectious smile that hid behind those plump lips; she was far out of his typical type range petite and extremely feminine looking with slender curves and stunning faces. Not to say that Jai wasn't stunning but he had to admit he wouldn't have been so taken by her if it wasn't by her vibe.  

Suddenly he wanted her with him; he missed her laughter, her hugs- he was whipped a feeling which was familiar but yet so strange this time around. He didn't want to bother her or bully her into being with him- like he used to do with Kae- but he had been 21 then you grow in the passage of ten years. Instead, he anticipated her return- Jai was sent on assignment to London to interview Craig David. He knew she'd do an excellent job- he also knew that after the doc-series she did with him had aired she was in high demand for her interviewing skills.

Jai could be the next Diane Sawyer or Gayle King if she really pushed herself- suddenly he wondered if her being associated with him would create any difficulties for her further down the line- he knew how fickle the industry could be; it was all about kissing ass and who you know. In the black community, Jai would be alright but white folk really liked Ri and viewed anyone who sided with him as somehow against her. 

He wished that things between him and Robyn had never become so heated- the repercussions still rippled up to today in various ways. He had to protect Jai from that backlash- somehow he had to fade into the background of her life- it was the only way for her to shine. 

There's really never a right time to say goodbye.