Villa Martinez Series #1: If Our Love Is Wrong

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

Not Alone

Wala pa ako sa sarili nang makabalik sa bahay nina Papa. Dumeretso ako sa kuwarto at nagkulong. I cried again. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Akala ko, tama na hinanap at pinuntahan ko ang totoo kong mga magulang. Dapat ba hindi ako umalis at nanatili na lang kina Mommy? Sila naman talaga ang nagpalaki sa akin. And I was happy with them. Kahit pa minsan kong naramdaman na parang nawala iyong pagmamahal sa akin ni Mommy dahil nawalan siya ng anak... Pero lumaki akong masaya at may pagmamahal dahil natutunan ko iyon sa kanila.

Pero siguro tama lang din. They said that nothing really happened by coincidence. That everything was destined. That there was a reason to everything. Hindi ko pa siguro alam iyon sa ngayon but I remembered Daddy would tell me before that He would not give us something that we could not handle. Na kapag sobrang hirap ay may rason iyon, para siguro gawin pa tayong mas matapang.

Or maybe I wasn't really strong. I was babied by my parents and brother before... I was so dependent on them. Lahat ng kailangan ko noon ay naibibigay. Lahat ng pagmamahal at pag-aalaga. Hindi ko naisip noon na darating ang araw na mawawala sa akin iyon. It was my home, my comfort. Hindi ko naisip noon na aalis ako sa comfort zone ko na iyon. Akala ko buong buhay ko, kasama ko sila. Na ganoon kami at masaya lang kahit madalas abala sina Mommy at Daddy. I never thought of moving out one day... I wasn't ready. Hindi ako naghanda. I was weak.

Kahit noong inakala namin na nawala sa amin si Kristoff at nag-iba na ang trato sa akin ni Mommy, nandiyan pa rin si Daddy. Hindi niya ako pinabayaan. He was always there for me, lalo noong mga panahong nahihirapan din ako sa law school. I was never alone... I was always under the care of someone.

And I thought I was already old enough. Pero noong nangyari ang aksidente ay walang araw na hindi ko binabalikan ang mga panahon na bata pa ako at hindi pa nangyayari iyon. When everything was still fine and good. Noong masaya pa ang lahat. I still lived in that moment every day.

That's when I've realized I didn't grow like what I've really thought. Ikinulong ko ang sarili ko sa nakaraan. Sa parteng pinakagusto ko lang. Nanatili ako doon. I did not move on. Gusto kong balikan iyong mga nakaraan na. I wanted to live only in those moments.

Maybe I was afraid. Or I wasn't ready...

Kung iisipin, walang masyadong nangyari sa buhay ko pagkatapos noong aksidente sa barko. I finished Law and passed the Bar because of Dad's help, because of Daddy and Mommy. I wanted them to be proud. Sila lang iyong inisip ko. And I think it wasn't bad. They deserved it from me as their daughter and for being good parents. That's their reward. Siguro ang mali lang ay nakalimutan ko na ang sarili ko.

I forgot to live in the present. I forgot to grow. I forgot to live for myself, too. Nasabi sa akin noon ni Mommy na hindi masamang mabuhay para sa ibang tao. Kagaya niya na nabubuhay at lumaban din para sa iba. As long as you would not forget about your family. About the people that matters to you the most. And as long as you would not forget about yourself, too.

I wiped my tears. I stood up. This was not the end for me. I would live with the morals my mom and dad taught me. I couldn't be weak forever. This time, I needed to stand on my own. Without the people I depended my life with for a long time. If everything really happened for a reason, then this might be the reason. I was hurt. I felt lost. Maybe for me to realize these things in the end. For me to finally stand. To be strong.

I was once the baby girl of the family where I grew up. Pero matagal na iyong natapos. Hindi ako puwedeng manatili na si Lia... I should start living in where I was right now. This would not be easy, I know. At may takot pa rin sa akin. But I couldn't be scared forever.

Nagpaalam ako kay Papa isang araw na pupunta sa law firm. I was having breakfast with them at pagkatapos niyon ay aalis na ako.

"You're... a lawyer?" Mukhang nagulat pa si Kayla.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kanya at tumango.

"She grew up with lawyers." Halos magkibit-balikat naman si Tita Mari na hindi na nag-angat ng tingin mula sa pagkain niya.

Awang pa rin ang mga labi ni Kayla na nakatingin sa akin. Sa huli ay sumimangot na lang siya.

Pinahiram ako ni Dad ng sasakyan. Ang sabi niya ay bibili na rin kami ng sarili kong kotse and I told him na hindi na kailangan but he insisted. Nagpaalam na lang uli ako sa kanya at umalis na.

I arrived at Alcantara-Ledesma and Associates Law Firm. I would review complaints and it would be technical. Gusto ko rin talaga munang ma-practice sa law. Nakita ko na rin si Atty. Ledesma. At si Jude na naabutan kong may kausap na babaeng attorney. He also saw me and we greeted each other. We remained good friends.

Nang mga sumunod na araw ay sinubukan kong magpaalam kay Papa na titira na sana ako sa isang condo unit. Mas malapit din iyon sa firm. Pero okay lang din naman kung mas gusto niya na doon pa rin ako sa bahay nila. He was really good to me. Nakikita ko naman na bumabawi rin siya sa akin. At sapat na iyon.

Pero pumayag naman siya at ibinilin sa akin na tawagan at dalawin ko rin siya kahit kapag hindi lang ako busy. I smiled and hugged him. And promised him na lagi pa rin kaming mag-uusap kapag hindi kami busy pareho.

Hindi ko na rin pipilitin sina Ahma. Kung ganoon na talaga ang judgment nila sa akin kahit hindi pa naman nila talaga ako kilala, tingin ko ay mukhang mahirap nang baguhin iyon. Lalo kung iyon na ang gusto nilang isipin. But I also knew that it could change. I just didn't know when.

Natawagan ko na rin si Alecx. She was worried about me. I just assured her. Alam kong marami rin siyang pinagkakaabalahan.

So I moved in to my new condo. Nakahiga na ako sa kama. I was alone in my unit. Naiisip ko pa rin ang mga nangyari... Minsan nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng pag-iisa. Nakakatulugan ko pa rin ang pag-iisip.

The next morning, I woke up and went straight to the bathroom and threw up. Ilang beses na rin iyong nangyayari. I didn't know if I was sick or what. Ayaw kong magkasakit dahil iniisip ko ang trabaho ko. Kaya minabuti ko nang magpatingin sa doktor.

And what the doctor said made my lips parted. My heart...

I was not alone anymore.