Random, Works.

25: Caving In

Sometimes, I find myself sitting in this exact chair and I'm ready to just give up and throw everything I've ever learned out the window that's just a few feet away. I think that it gets really hard at times because I can feel whatever I've managed to keep below the surface bubbling up and getting ready to throw my head for a loop.

In that moment - where my heart starts to literally hurt - I take a second to brace myself for what's about to come. There's the impending doom that lurks just around the corner ready to knock the air out of my lungs.

Yet, I can't even get those first few tears to fall.

They get stuck and then the next wave of disappointment and dread starts to creep up from behind instead. I felt like complete shit, and I couldn't even use the one outlet I was so used to for a way to cope.

I end up feeling like a loser.

If I was to be totally and completely honest with you, I believe I am in fact a loser.

That's right, I don't believe that I'm intelligent, pretty, funny, social, capable.

Isn't that slightly depressing?

My family and friends could reassure me all they want, but I don't think I'll ever be able to actually accept what they're saying. This is probably because I subconsciously degrade myself daily (which probably isn't helping).

But, it just seems to be the cold hearted truth.

It would make sense if what I am writing at this very moment was the "real deal".

Here's the questions I have:

Do you think that's why boys don't like me?

Do you think that's why I could never not be socially awkward and embarrassing (to myself and those around me)?

Do you think that I can't think I'm pretty because I really am not?

No one's ever going to tell me I'm beautiful, that's just a fact.

No one's ever going to hold me and tell me they love me with all their heart because they want to.

No one's ever going to be there again when I hit that breaking point and can't hold in the grief anymore.

My friends and family are the most incredible people in the world.

But what's it all worth sharing?

There's so many things that I feel like they may not actually know about me. I think I may actually be struggling a bit more than I'd care to admit.

It doesn't seem like there's a lot going on in my life. Maybe it appears to others that I couldn't possibly be feeling so much all the time right now.

I have so many thoughts in my head that are starting to confuse me immensely (even more than before).

I don't think the isolation at the moment because of this pandemic is helping.

If I were able to go to school though and spend time with people I genuinely like though, what would be different?

The big problem that I'm having at the moment is with the possibility that I may actually like the same gender. Which to some may seem fine because they have a different support system at home.

But, my big fear is if I ever actually admitted it to those I love more than anything in this world, my soul will be crushed from the aftermath. Even thinking about it is shattering my heart into a million pieces and I'm not too sure what I should do with myself. My hands have even begun to shake as I type this (I hope you know that all of this is what's actually being mulling around in my head).

There's so many things that could go wrong. I don't want to be a disappointment to those I want to make proud. But, it'll be really hard if my sexuality is a problem. I also would not like anyone to tell me it won't be, because it's also a fact.

So, what am I supposed to do now?

There's nowhere to go, and I feel like I'm really stuck between that metaphorical rock and a hard place.

But we'll see I guess, nobody knows what the future holds.

God works in mysterious ways.

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Song: July (Noah Cyrus)