Your Hearts Desire

The Carnival

ALEX

Crisp fall air sweeps through the night, leaving everyone with chills. Lights in the distance draw us near, delicious scents lingering in the breeze the promise of cotton candy and popcorn not too far. The delighted sounds of children shrieking on gravity-defying rides are somewhat deafened by the top 100 mixes playing in the background.

The carnival is in town, and not much happens in this shitty place, so when it comes, its a busy spot. The autumn leaves crunching under our feet as we walked towards the boardwalk the cold, making the hair on my arms stand up even under the protection of my denim jacket.

I look over at my best friend, Marie's eyes gleaming with excitement. This was the first time in a while we've been able to hang out and were determined to have the best time tonight.

"Alex, my friend, we're going to ride the Tilt-A-Whirl till we puke."

She chuckled a little bounce in her step.

In my "best" English accent, I bowed and replied.

"Shall we skip, my dear."

She returned my bow, and in her best accent, she replied.

"I thought you'd never ask."

She looped my arm, laughing. We skipped past people, some giving us annoyed glances, others giggling at our nonsense, but we didn't care about any of them.

Taking a finale skip, we reached the boardwalk a little out of breath.

"My lungs hurt now."

I let out in a breathy laugh fighting for air.

"More cardio next time we hit the gym."

Marie giggled, in response, also out of breath.

Slowing our pace, we made our way to the ticket line and purchased bracelets giving us pass to whatever ride we want.

After about an hour going on ride after ride, we took a little break at a nearby picnic table. Marie was waiting in line to get us some corndogs while I saved our spot.

Glancing around fighting the wind whipping my ponytail in my face, I watched the people. Seeing couples walk past hand in hand or someone sharing a passionate kiss on the Ferris wheel is when the loneliness that threatens to consume me weighs heavy on my chest everyone looked so happy enjoying the night. I was as well, but something deep inside nagged at me, a small annoying thing that haunted me, telling me I won't ever be happy, but I wasn't going to let it ruin my night with my best friend.

"Not tonight."

I whispered to myself.

Shaking off my pity party for one, Marie returned corn dogs in hand to join me at the table.

"Careful there hot, I made sure they were fresh."

She had her no-nonsense face on making me chuckle.

I happily reached out and one of my fingers gently brushed against the back of her hand, and I flinched pictures and sounds and a feeling I always received from her love, warmth, and sadness. Then my walls crumbled down. It was like opening the flood gates. Every thought pierced my skull, the sadness, the lust, the happiness, and the rage all of it from everyone. 

I gripped the sides of my head, squeezing my eyes shut tight, trying to control it.

The corndog hitting the table and sliding across.

The sound of Marie's voice lulled me back, whispering.

"Breathe...your ok I'm here."

Feeling her hand give my shoulder a reassuring squeeze, I took a few deep breaths in through my nose out from my mouth, and the wall slowly built its way back up, drowning out the voices. I opened my eyes, taking another deep breath.