Whenever You're Ready (S.M & A.C)

Suicide Attempt

Alessia p.o.v

~Day 18~

I couldn't sleep at all that much last night because of the hate. I cut myself on my arm a few times and Shawn noticed but I couldn't let him know what was going on. I wasn't crying anymore but I was really upset deep down. I was now trying to end my life because the hate was getting to me way too much. Shawn hugged me as I was facing the other side of the bed. I didn't feel like I wanted Shawn to hug me but I just let him.

Shawn: "Are you ok?"

Alessia: "No..."

Shawn: "Did the hate bother you in your sleep?"

Alessia: "Yeah...."

Shawn: "I'm gonna talk to those people who are bothering you because it has to stop.."

Alessia: "Don't, let them say what they want..."

Shawn: "No, I don't want you to be crying anymore. You don't deserve to be sad.."

Alessia: "They're not gonna stop, they're gonna hate on you too.."

I sighed.

Shawn: "It's gonna be alright.."

Shawn went on Twitter and told everyone to stop hate.

Shawn's tweet: "STOP HATING on my girlfriend please! Leave her alone! She doesn't deserve all this, you guys can do better than this! Spread positivity please! She has feelings like everybody else, she's been upset all day because of all of you! Please stop!"

Everyone saw his tweet and some people replied back saying they felt bad and the hate still continued. They were hating on Shawn too but i didn't see how Shawn handled the death threats. I went on my phone and there was way too much hate. I had to say something about it but I was scared at the same time.

My tweet: "Waking up everyday to be seeing negative comments...i don't appreciate the disrespect guys...i'm just being myself, why do i have to deal with death threats and tons of hate? this is why i disabled comments before...might be disabling comments again..."

I was reading a bunch of negative comments causing them to make me cry but i tried not to. I liked and replied back to the positive comments. After that, i disabled comments. Even on my instagram messages, they were bunch of hate and death threats on there too. I really wanted to kill myself cause of all of this. I didn't know what i've done to deserve all of this.

I got down from my bed and headed to the washroom to get changed and take a shower. When I was done, I grabbed a knife. I was looking at my scars and tried not to cut myself again but i attempted to. I was slowly starting to end my life without telling anyone. i cut myself on my arm a few more times and i was bleeding on some of the scars a little but i was wiping the blood off as i did it. i was crying again a lot softly as i did it. i cut myself 4 more times on my arm. i kept the knife covered my arm again so no one would see them. The scars were light on my arm but my arm was red. 

Olivia saw me putting the knife away and was looking shocked.

Olivia: "Alessia?"

I looked at her without replying.

Olivia: "What were you doing with a knife?"

Alessia: "N-nothing..."

She walked up close to me and saw my scars.

Olivia: "Alessia, did you do this?"

Alessia: "No..."

Olivia gave me a "don't lie" look on her face.

Alessia: "Y-yes, i did..."

Olivia: "Why?"

Alessia: (sobs) "Because i was trying to end my life..."

Olivia: "What? Why?"

Alessia: (sobs) "I get so many death threats and hate, i'm tired of it..."

Olivia: "But why are you trying to kill yourself? Do you know how i would've been if you were gone? I can't live without you, Alessia. Why didn't you tell me you were doing this?"

Alessia: "I just wanna die, liv..."

Olivia: "Just because you're getting hate and death threats doesn't mean you have to try to end your life. I thought you knew better than this...it really hurts and it surprises me to see you doing this..."

Alessia: (sobs) "You're right, Olivia...I'm sorry...committing suicide won't do anything..."

Olivia: "You don't need to be sorry, everyone does this. You just need help."

Alessia: "Yeah, i really need help..."

We hugged.

Olivia: "Don't do this again, please..."

Alessia: "I'll stay away from it.."

Olivia told the others what i've been doing and they were very shocked and disappointed. I promised that I wasn't gonna hurt myself anymore. I disabled the comments off my posts till further notices. 

Shawn: "How could you scare me like that, Alessia?"

Alessia: "I'm sorry.."

Shawn: "I don't wanna lose you, I told you I was here for you. You didn't have to go all the way to try to kill yourself.."

Alessia: "I know, the hate was just getting to me so much that i didn't know what i was thinking anymore..."

Shawn: "I wish I could've known what was happening as soon as i saw the scars, you got me worried all this time.."

Alessia: "I'm really sorry.."

Shawn: "You don't need to be sorry, i understand why you did it. Those death threats and the hate needs to stop."

Alessia: "I promise I won't do it again, i'm gonna stay away from suicide as much as possible. I've realized that committing suicide won't solve anything, it'll just make it worse. I'll try to be strong from now on...."

Shawn: "I love you.."

Alessia: "I love you too.."

He kissed me on the forehead. Tonight, we postponed our show because i needed to clear my mind off of hate. I had some fun with the others and took some time off social media tonight. Shawn did the same thing even though if the hate didn't bother him. After having fun, i was feeling a lot better. We played games, ate dinner and chilled for the rest of the day. If I get more better, i'll try to do a Q&A online to make it up for the canceled show. After having fun, we went to bed and Shawn had his arm wrapped around me as we were sleeping to keep me comfortable. I was glad I got help from my friends and the others. I was never gonna cut myself anymore no matter how much hate i got. I was feeling a little better now.

A/N: End of chapter!