1980's / mattia polibio

.26

I opened my eyes to see the same dark room I had fallen asleep in. No sunlight seeping through. It was a change of mood considering every morning I woke up to a bright room. My eyes were still heavy due to all of the crying that was done yesterday. At the moment, I would have wished to gone back asleep but as soon as my eyes opened thoughts started rushing in and I couldn't push them all away. I rubbed my crusted eyes and rolled over to look at the time . It was 4:48 in the morning. I groaned looking at the time since I didn't plan on falling asleep soon. I laid flat on my back staring at my white popcorn ceiling although I couldn't see much through the darkness.

Memories of the day prior began to pop into my brain. I shut my eyes trying to be rid of them but it only made it worse. It was like I was reliving the moments. I saw the exact moment Lexi told me that Mattia cheated. The exact moment I punched her and the exact moment when Mattia confirmed it was true. Tears formed in my eyes and streamed down my face in no time. I wiped them away as soon as they arrived and sat up on my bed. I threw my hands down to my sides in frustration.

"Stop crying over him. Don't fucking cry" I whisper to absolutely no one.

Having nothing to do except think about your ex cheating on you isn't fun. My body was still tired but my brain was on high-alert. I dragged myself out of bed and to my desk that sat on the other side of my room. I forced myself to quite crying at this point. I pulled open the second drawer and started digging. I found an old journal that I had never used before. Brand new. Placing it on the top of the desk, I opened it up to the first page. It was blank as expected. I didn't know what I was supposed to write down but it was definitely something to do.

Hey. I know this is stupid but it's currently 5 am and I need to occupy myself. So I guess I will be talking to an object i found in my drawer. I'll just get on to it then. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. My boyfriend revealed to me that he cheated on me, but after he lied about it everyday we were dating. I completely broke down in front of him like a bitch. I felt so helpless. I mean I was only dating him for like a month but it felt like more. He meant so much to me. so much. but I guess you could say I overreacted. It's just, I've never experienced pain like that. I mean, I was hurt when my dog died but I have never been in a relationship before so this brand new feeling was terrifying and terrible. I never trusted anyone like him except with my bestfriend long ago who turned out to be also lying about our friendship. I know I usually don't try to make friends because I move alot, but betrayal also has a role to play. The only two times I was vulnerable with someone they stab me in the back. It just sucks. I don't know what I did wrong. Anyways thats what I needed to get out. Thanks for listening I guess? peace out?

I closed it when finished and left it on the front of the desk as I walked back to my bed. I felt kinda dumb for writing in a diary like a 10 year old but at the same time it felt good. I needed to let my feelings out to someone or something in this case. My mind was a bit more at ease. Almost relieved I suppose. I was able to push back the thoughts for now, knowing they would come flooding back in eventually. It was currently 5:20 and I had decided I would try to go back asleep. I shut my eyes, this time no tears coming down, and managed drift off into slumber.

The next time I managed to pry my eyes open, the morning sunlight was there. It filled my room as if there was something I was supposed to be looking forward to today. There isn't by the way. I didn't want to see Mattia. At all. That meant not seeing the boys which meant not going to the sandlot. I'll have to just do my own thing today. I rolled over my bed checking the time to find out it was around 10. The usual time the boys left. Although it didn't matter because I was definitely not going to go.

I just sat up in my bed staring at the gray sheets that were spread across my mattress, contemplating what I should do today. My intense thinking was interrupted my a faint noise heard at my window. I ignored it. I kept thinking until I was forced to get up at the third repeated noise. I realized the sound was rocks being thrown at my window. Can they not just leave me alone for the day. I thought it was completely understandable that I would like to stay at home the day after I found out my literal boyfriend cheated on me.