1980's / mattia polibio

.27

I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling, once again thinking about the activities I should participate in today.

It's been two days. I still haven't gone to the sandlot and I've been trying to steer clear of the boys. I do feel bad, considering they didn't do anything, but I wasn't ready to answer their questions without crying.

The recent days have been filled with me trying to entertain and distract myself. I didn't want to think about Mattia or the breakup. At times it didn't work, him and his actions would flood my mind. It was hard to keep them away. I would still cry time to time but never in front of my parents. They came back yesterday and asked how I was. I said fine but it was definitely a lie. If I told the truth my mom would smuggle me with questions and sympathy which would only make me cry more. Besides, I've got my own way to let my feelings out.

                                                     August 25th, 1983
Its me again. there's nothing new to talk about. Nothing fun to do really. I guess I have my birthday to look forward to. September 7th. Other than that, nothing fun. I've just been trying to distract myself from him. It's like a disease. I want it to go away so bad, but it won't. He did me wrong, made me question why I wasn't good enough, but I still can't stop thinking about him. It's pathetic if I'm being honest. One part of me wants to go hug and cry with him, while another part was to beat the crap out of him. I don't know it's weird. Anyway, the past couple days consisted of me watching tv, cooking, attempting to paint, and clean. It's gotten to the point where I clean for fun now. I'm worried. I also never realized how my everday consisted of something to do. That was going to the Sandlot. It never got boring. Every moment was a happy one surrounded by friends. Now I have no one to talk to or do things with. Maybe I'll chat with the boys later tonight, I don't know. For now I'll go find something to do. See ya

Recently, writing in my diary has kept me somewhat sane. It was refreshing to relieve myself of the things I kept inside. It's almost like talking to someone, except no one was going to say anything back.

After thinking, I realized I cleaned everywhere except my room and the two bathrooms in the house. I was certainly not going to clean any bathrooms so I decided to start cleaning my room. It wasn't exactly pretty. There were clothes thrown everywhere and plates/food wrappers surrounding my desk and side table. I came to the conclusion that I was going to need music.

I pulled out my cassette player and inserted a cassette. I didn't know which one it was but I knew almost all the songs on all of them, so it didn't matter. It took a while to start, but when it did, I was very pleased with the song choice. Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. The song blasted through my room at almost max volume. It came out this year and was very popular. I personally knew all of the lyrics. I started picking up trash and throwing it into a small bin that sat beside my bed. My head started to move with the beat of the song and it soon turned into dancing. I grabbed a hair brush that sat on my desk and brought it up near my lips, singing.

"Oh daddy dear, you know you're still number one"

"But girls, they wanna have fun"

"Oh girls just wanna have fun"

I continued singing and dancing around my room, occasionally picking up clothes and putting them where they belong. I made my way to the left side of the bed near my curtains that were pulled open, providing sunlight.

"They just wanna, they just wanna"

I opened my eyes after singing that line and saw the half of the boys staring up at my window smiling. My dancing and singing was stopped immediately and I freaked out in embarrassment. I tried to quickly close the curtains but before I could make it, I slipped on a shirt that I forgot to pick up. I fell backwards onto the wooden floor and groaned out in pain. On the bright side, they couldn't see me anymore. I crawled until I was under the window, still not being seen. I reached my hand, and my hand only, up to the curtains, pulling them both shut. Upon doing so, I stood up and face palmed myself. I shut off the cassette player and threw myself onto my bed face first.

I mumbled into the pillow, "how. does. that. happen."

I got up to turn on the extremely small television before laying back down. I watched some random show but I wasn't really paying attention to it. I heard light chatter coming from outside. I distinguished it as the boys when I heard Ale's laugh. I smiled at the sound of it considering I haven't heard or chatted with any of them in a few days. I came to the conclusion that I was going to talk to them. Not Mattia although, obviously.

I walked down stairs still in my pajamas not caring how I looked. My hair was brushed, at least, from this morning. I opened the door and all of there heads shot towards me. I awkwardly smiled and walked towards them but I didn't see Mattia.

"Hey can I talk to you guys."

"Yeah of course" was a summary of what they all said.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for ignoring all of you guys it's just been really hard to um try and focus my attention elsewhere and I didn't really have the strength to be happy."

"We get it Natalia you don't have to explain yourself. And if any of us knew we would tell you" replied Ale.

My vision started to blur due to tears threatening to fall. I looked up trying to contain them but a few fell down. I've learn how to control my crying so fortunately, I didn't break down in front of them.

Once Ale saw me crying he pulled me into a bear hug.

"What he did was wrong Natalia. I'm so so sorry."

I only slightly nodded into his larger frame. The other boys softly rubbed my back with sympathetic looks on their faces.

I pulled away and wiped my tears with the sleeve of my pajamas.

"I'll see you guys later" I stated with a fake smile. I still didn't have it in me to be happy.

They all waved and I walked to my door. I was about to open it when I heard someone calling for me. The other boys had left for their houses but Kairi was running up to meet me at my door. I shut it closed to talk to him.

"What's up" I state.

"I have to tell you something."

I tensed up at this considering that phrase never meant something good. I stayed silent waiting for him to follow up on his response.

"I um..I knew that Mattia cheated on you and I didn't tell you." He looked down and continued to talk. "You have to believe me when I say that I wanted to tell you so bad. I'm so sorry and understand that I would never want to hurt you like that. I told him to tell you, so many times. I told him he didn't deserve you."

The ache in my heart returned again and I stared at him with pain. He didn't dare to speak again and just waited for me to respond.

"You knew?! You knew yet let me stand around looking like a damn fool with him every day. I had every right to fucking know and you, my best friend, didn't tell me."

"Natalie-"

"No! I am so done with being betrayed. All anyone ever does to me is stab me in the back. I allowed you into my life for the better and you turn around and lie to me for a whole fucking month. Who else knew huh?"

"just me" he whispered.

"Thanks for being a good friend" I whisper with tears running down my face.

Before he could answer I ran into my house slamming the door shut behind me. I sprinted to my room and threw myself into the bathroom, locking the door. I fell onto the hard tile floor and once again fell apart. My best friend and boyfriend lie to me for a whole month. I let myself cry. I let myself not be okay for a few moments. Frustration quickly came and I punched a nearby wooden cabinet. I indented a hole into it and my hand was already starting to bruise. I looked into the mirror and barely recognized myself. This usual happy and energetic girl was missing and replaced by a red-eyed broken girl.

"Why me?" I sobbed.

Authors note: my emotional bb😖
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