Finding my way back home...

Chapter 15

Weeks passed and the mistress gossip didn't die down there were times we did it in one of the break rooms our sex was rougher, I'm not sure what happened but I started to feel dirty every time we did it, I hated the feeling I had after I was with him knowing he might be doing the same with his wife.

I stopped praying for peace and started praying for a way to stop loving him I need to know how I can't on my own "Empty Prayers by Mary" was my anthem God what have I become ... the most painful moment was when we were having fun laughing I had forgotten that our love was a facade ....he's wife called and he shooshed me whispering saying I shouldn't make a sound, then he told her saying he has a business trip and it was taking longer but he loves her and hung up.

" I need her to believe me if not she will divorce me and take away my kids I won't live without them"

shame on him for using his kids for his lies I nodded and when he tried to kiss me I looked away causing him to force me to kiss him ...

I lied there and watched him huff and puff thinking it was lovemaking I couldn't wait for him to get off me so I can go shower and sleep when he was done he tried to kiss me but I got up and told him with a smile I needed water I sat down at my kitchen floor crying making sure he doesn't hear me ... what's wrong with me...

Was this the life I chose for myself, I hated being with him but still couldn't walk away he lost his temper with me often now but never hit me ... it scared me but still, I stayed he didn't give up his old apartment apparently it was for us ...Zoe asked about the bruises on my hands from Mike grabbing me but I lied she saw right through me but I still lied and she stopped questioning me ... when I was alone I would cry but put a brave face because I made the decision to stay...

His wife lives here full time and now I can't see him a lot I was happy I didn't have to pretend to be happy ...I was sleeping one day and without knocking, I got in one of the break rooms and found him having sex with one resident ... I stood there enough for them to see me and when he saw me he got up and told the girl to go which she did... I felt numb.

He got up and asked what I wanted to say he had the look when he got like that I didn't ask a question so he walked passed me and left me in that dark room... he's hurting me so much and I feel like I'm losing myself in this, everything I believed I am I don't believe anymore I settled and I let him treat me like I'm nothing...

After crying my pager went crazy my abused patient was back but she was about to give birth and when Zoe saw me, she said she will take over and she did...Lauren gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and is now dating Rob .... he saved her life literally and I was happy for her ....is it that bad to want the same for myself to just find someone and be happy...

Zoe came to my office and I couldn't keep it all in anymore I went on and on she just held me and said nothing she said everything will be okay and I believed her ... I finally got up she asked me to sleep but I needed to break up with him the weather was bad but that can't stop me I need to break up with him when I still have the guts to do it .... and drove to his old apartment when I got in I saw him having sex with another different woman, how can someone that once claimed to love you just wake up and treat you like they hate you, so I stayed there and again waited for him to see me ...

When they were done she left and he didn't say anything

" you can't say anything you know we were having fun before you say anything you are not my wife"

those words hurt even though they were true they hit me hard

" We are over Mike,"

I said while trembling he just looked at me... I started crying I couldn't talk to him so I left running to my car in the rain it was blurry but I think someone was by my car I didn't have time to look who because they ran away and I figured it was because of the bad weather .... when it rains it pours and it sure was ... I got in my car turned on the radio playing 911 in full blast  I can't see a thing maybe it was a bad idea to drive...I thought I was gonna hit something so I tried to hit the brakes but nothing happened and before I knew it there was a loud CRASH....fuck...