Save My Soul

The Letter

 "That was the day I was born." I barley even whisper.

"Oh my gosh Piper I'm so sorry." Sage comes around his desk and wraps me up in a hug, wiping my tears away.

"Sage I need to find out what happened that day. Why she died and I lived, where's my father and why don't I have any pictures of her? You know I dream about her every night since I can remember, all I ever wanted was to be loved. That's why I love all them kids on the street, because I know what it's like to not be wanted or loved.

And even if one person loves you and wants you, it changes the person you wanted to be into the person you are when you're loved. Because that is all foster kids ever want, is to be loved and wanted, for someone to need them and count on them for something other then doing their dirty work." I choke out with a shaky voice.

"Well I called the lady I know at the foster care who helps me find some of the smaller kids in my center a good home. They have a letter for you. It was suppose to be delivered to you on your 18th birthday but you ran away and they never got the chance to give it to you.

Would you like me to go get it for you? You shower and I can run a grab it, we can figure this out together Pips. I promise this will all work out for you, you will get your answers one way or another." Sage explains waiting for me to give him a answer or give him anything at this point. I haven't really said anything to him since I found out my mother died the day I was born.

"Okay I'm going to take a long hot bath and process everything you told me, I need to get my head cleared before I read what my mother left me. It could change the views I have on life and I need to be ready." I stand up kiss Sage's cheek and walk back up stairs. I close the bathroom door and broke down. I slide down the door and pull my knees to my chest and bawl my eyes out. I couldn't breath and my body was shaking, I was rocking back and forth trying to hold myself together.

I didn't know what to do or think. The tears keep coming and coming, what if my mother never gave me a way and has loved me this whole time? I have hated her for so long and now I feel like if I can understand why she did what she did I could be whole again.

"Piper open this door please, let me help you. Better yet let me just be here for you, isn't that what boyfriends are for? You know shoulder to lean on and all that jazz. Please Pips let me in." Sage sit on the other side of the door listening to me come undone. All the horrible sounds coming from my body and I just can't let him see me like this. He has watched me break down and he's picked me back up. I just feel like this is something I have to do on my own.

I stood up and took a deep breath, I open the door and watched Sage fall through the other side. "Okay Sage I Know you want to make sure I'm okay and I get that you want to help me, but I just need to do this on my own. I need to figure out my feelings in all this, can you please just bring me the letter and slide it under the door. I'm not shutting you out, I just need to do this for me okay?" I try to explain but I come off as a bitch, but I don't know how else to put it.

"I love you, and yes I will bring you the letter then I will be in my office if you need me. I get you need to do it on your own and sort out your feelings. I just hope you will let me help you heal when everything is all said and done." Sage said and kiss my cheek. Then he was gone. I felt like a complete ass but I know he understood how I felt, that's why he didn't push.

The more time I spend with Sage the more I love him, I learn more and more about him everyday. He was always so passionate towards me, he understands me and even when he don't he tries so hard to give me my space to breathe. Sage loves me with all of him, his whole heart and entire soul. He is the most selfless person I know, he helps so many kids find loving homes. Not homes like I had lived in, but loving and nice people who can't have children of their own.

I start my bath and pour in my oils and throw in a bath bomb. I need to relax and clear my mind and give myself time to breathe, I just hope that whatever is in this letter doesn't break me.

I lay back and soak in my hot bath day dreaming of when I was little, and I hate to admit but there was never any happy times to remember. I wish I had a better childhood. I will make sure if and when I have kids they will feel loved and we will make tons of happy memories to tell their children.

I start to doze off when I hear Sage walk in the bathroom. I know I told him to slide it under the door, but I also know he would want to make sure I was okay and not hurting. I left the door unlocked so he could check on me. I knew he would pace a hole in the floor if I hadn't.

"How are you doing? I know this is a lot to take in and I will leave once I find out if you are ready for what you're about to read." Sage tucks a piece of hair behind my ear and looks at me for a short moment. He kisses my lips and I put my arms around his neck and deepen the kiss.

I needed to touch him and taste him, I needed him to take me to my happy place, truth of the matter I was scared shitless. But I was ready, I have been ready my entire life for this moment, answers I have asked myself every single day, and now their sitting here staring me in the face.

I pull back and rub my thumb over his mouth and kiss his cheek. "I'm okay Sage and after I read this letter and finish my bath, I'm going to need you to take me to my happy place, I need to feel loved and you are the only person who can do that." I whisper in his ear and I see his pants get tighter with perfect bulge poking out.

"Yes little red I will take you so high and you will feel so much love. I will get things ready, take your time and remember I'm right outside if you need me." Sage stands up and walks to the door, he stops and takes a long look at me. He sucks in a deep breath and closes the door behind him.

With shaky hands I hope the letter, I see my mothers hand writing and my eyes get blurry I can barley see. I haven't even read anything and I'm already a mess.

My dearest Piper Marie,

If you are reading this it should be your 18th birthday, or a little after. I'm sorry you have to hear about me from a letter, but there is no other way. I didn't have a clue what was going to happen when I got pregnant with you. Let me just start at the beginning.

I was 35 years old and I was a singer/song writer, It was my dream to become famous one day, and music was my escape from the harsh reality. It healed my soul with every word I would hear or sing, I loved it so much. I wrote songs for famous people but I wanted to be up on that stage singing my feeling and touching peoples souls on the way.

I saved every last drop I made for a very special reason. You, I saved for you. I wanted you more then I wanted anything in my entire life. I was single and alone yes, but I wanted someone to share my love with, someone I could love and who would love me unconditionally. All I ever wanted in life was to feel that kind of love. So I saved and saved and one day I had just enough to do it.

I went down to my doctor and picked me out a sperm donor, I made sure he was smart and beautiful. He had the most beautiful red hair and blue eyes. That's how I always pictured you. I paid my doctor $40,000 that took me years to save, but you was worth so much more.

You can't put a price on the love I have for you my sweet girl, I grew you in my body for 9 whole months and I have never loved anything or anyone more then I love you.

I was 5 months pregnant with you when I found out I had cancer. I refused chemo because it would have killed you. The doctor told me it was your life or mine. And I picked you. I would have always picked you. You are everything I ever dreamed of. I got to feel that love and I got to see your beautiful face with them bright blue eyes staring back at me. Your bright red hair and pick sweet cheeks.

You are perfect, and I just hope your life had been a good one. I'm sorry if it hasn't, I'm sorry if the word didn't treat you fair because you didn't have a father or a mother. Just remember you we're always loved.

                                                              Love always,                                                                                                                                                                                      Mom xoxo