The Emperor's Concubine

Chapter Eleven

Night falls as Luna's left alone in the library. Rubbing the temples of her forehead—she furrows her brows as her headache worsens.

Closing her book, she leaves for fresh air. Walking mindlessly around the garden, she sits at a bench to rest. Gazing longingly at the stars, a chill moves through her body from an autumn breeze.

"Why is it that you're always awake at night?" A voice calls out to her.

Luna turns to see Hayden walking in her direction.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asks, his gaze seeming friendlier than the other times they've met.
"I wanted to unwind a bit before bed. Are you on duty again?" Luna asks.
"Roaming around is all. Were you in the library?"
"Yes..." Luna sighs, exasperated.
"Why the sigh? Do you not want to converse?" Hayden questions, slightly offended.

Growing flustered, Luna shakes her head as she tries to quickly correct herself.

"No, I'd love to! It's just... I'm sorry, I'm just a bit exhausted from today." She sighs, holding her head.
"Because?"
"Well..."
"Speak. It's only the stars and I as witnesses, so why bother holding your tongue?"
"I suppose... Okay, well, I met the other ladies of the harem for the first time—but they're all so..." Luna sighs again, her expression full of fatigue.
"Why meet them if you're annoyed by them?" Hayden steps closer, standing beside the bench she sits on.
"I want to be polite with them, but I guess I'll just limit my interactions with them. It's just... Actually, I shouldn't talk about others."
"You won't share why they bothered you, when you brought it up?"
"You made me bring it up though..." She pouts looking at Hayden.

Hayden stares back at her, raising his brows. Giving a teasing glance, he gestures for her to continue speaking.

"It's just—they seem to gossip a lot about his imperial majesty..." She whispers, grasping her cloak tighter around her as she gazes at the stars.

Hayden's eyes focus on Luna—pausing as he analyzes her expression.

"And? Are you worried for your life, living so close to a demon like him?" Hayden questions.
"Demon? Heavens, not at all! The rumors of his majesty are rumors for a reason. I've never even met him, so how could I judge him?"

From her answer, his eyes narrow, not out of anger—but disbelief.
Processing her words, Hayden slowly moves to sit on the edge of the bench as he follows her line of sight to gaze at the stars as well.

"Do you... wish to meet his majesty?" He hesitantly asks.
"I-I'm not sure... He killed my family... I feel like I should hate him for it, but I don't."
"Their deaths can't be changed and he was the one who caused it, so it's fine if you do—but it seems they deserved to be put down." Hayden shrugs, cautious of his tone.
"From experiencing their cruelty, I do agree, which is why I don't feel terrible about it... Yet, a part of me wants to mourn... Am I being foolish for feeling this way? What do you think?"
"I believe they deserved to lose their lives for the things they did and would continue to do, but you're not foolish for having feelings that contradict with your logic." Hayden honestly admits, analyzing her numbed expression.

Noticing Luna internally recoiling from the daunting thoughts that linger in mind, Hayden slides to the edge of the seat as he silently removes his coat. Cautiously laying it on her lap—mindful to keep his distance upon sensing her vulnerable state.

Taken aback from his gesture, Luna meets his eyes as he settles back into the bench.

"Why do you think it's foolish?" He patiently questions, watching her sort through her thoughts.
"I... I feel conflicted... I'm disgusted by them, but I can't resent them because I feel sorry for them... I'm relieved to be freed from their torment, but I feel like I should mourn for them." A lump in her throat, Luna forces a smile.
"I suppose they conditioned you to pity them."
"Pity doesn't feel right... It feels more like, I was conditioned to love them... Even as they bruised me, made me bleed and cry, I tried to empathize that from their perspective, their unjust actions were just to them."
"Even when you knew their actions were wrong?"
"Yes..." Forcing a gentle chuckle, Luna closes her eyes, "My morals can be correct to others, but others can think they're wrong—I viewed their morals to be wrong, but I saw that they thought it was right... It's sickening, but I wanted to empathize, so that maybe they'd want to understand me too."
"Yet, they never did..."

Solemnly shaking her head, Luna forces a bright smile—hiding her discontent as she recalls past memories.

"I was sorry I couldn't be the daughter they wanted me to be, but I didn't want to be the daughter they expected me to be. I hoped they'd respect my desire to learn about life beyond the castle—beyond the kingdom... I learned early on a valuable lesson—just because I was considerate to them and did my best to appease them, doesn't mean they were obligated to provide the same regards." Luna softly scoffs, mocking her own ignorance.
"Then why are you apprehensive to resent them? You knew that they wouldn't return your consideration, so why does it feel difficult to hate them now?"
"Because... Once I experienced enough to realize they wouldn't be understanding, it was too late... I had so strongly held onto hoping they'd empathize with me too, that even when I knew the truth—it already left its scar... Any punishment I faced after, my body remembered. As if it was engraved from each beating, I had to feel sorry to them regardless of what I believed to be just."
"You became yielding to them."

His words that sharply cuts into her from the truth, causes Luna's expression to fall. With a sullen gaze, she gives a soft nod.

"I thought that if I stayed true to my own beliefs, I'd always have strength... But I wasn't strong... Maybe I harbor guilt because deep down, I was compliant to their sickening ways and deserved to meet my end too. Whenever I submitted to appease them, I'd disregard my values to yield to theirs... I tried to be empathetic in the hopes for the same in return, but I was abandoning what was right in order to satisfy them."
"You were still strong. You did what you had to—you did it to survive." Hayden bluntly speaks, a hint of reassurance in his tone, "You gave the chance for them to show the same compassion, but they took advantage of it."
"Yes... They did... But I didn't survive of my own accord."

Lethargically leaning back against the bench, Luna gazes at the sky full of stars. A gentle, almost childlike smile appears on her lips—free from bitterness, untouched by grief, only innocence that seemed accepting to the horrors she's experienced.

There was no hesitation in her voice, no flicker of spite or sorrow in her expression. Just calmness, as if she were discussing something long settled—someone else's past, not her own.