The Emperor's Concubine

Chapter Fifty-Five

I sit across Duke Oslo, steam lifting up from the teacups in front of us.
"Would you like to share your thoughts?" He kindly asks.
I take a deep breath, looking down at my slightly trembling hands.
"I... I want to be stronger. I want to be a better version of myself, regardless of the past."
"I understand. May I ask, why the desperation to ignore your past?"
"Because I can't grow if I'm stuck with the past... I-I'm tired of being hit with fear. I'll move on like I'm no longer bothered by it, yet when incidents similar to it happen... My body shakes uncontrollably, and I stand frozen unsure of what to do..."
"To run away from the past, is cruel..."
"How so?"
Duke Oslo sips his tea. He ponders for a moment, placing the teacup on the table as he clasps his hands together.

"Because you don't experience the moment of moving on, or accepting the fear."
I stare at him, ruminating on his words.
"To run from the past is easy, to feign ignorance to it all. Yet the time comes when reminded of the suffering one went through, and brings pain larger than before. To accept the past and acknowledge it, opens your world that possibly nothing is worse than experiencing the hardships one went through already. You grow from it and that pain becomes part of you, the motivation to run, to keep fighting and growing." He kindly smiles.
"How does one simply do such a thing? I accepted what happened to me, but I don't quite understand how to acknowledge it..."
"To each their own. I'll be lying if I say it'll be easy. It'll be difficult to focus on your pain in order to acknowledge it all, but the moment it clicks—the moment you realize you aren't affected anymore—it pushes you out of that abyss of fear to a new view of life."
"I see..." I think on his words.

He takes a deep breath and stands.
"H-How would I move on from pain that currently happens?" I ask, staring up at him.
He closes his eyes and thinks to himself.
"You continue with it. You deal with it and eventually it won't hurt, and that's when you'll know you've moved on." He smiles.
I lightly chuckle.
"That's a very logical way to think."
"Yes... I suppose it is, but it does help. If it causes you pain after it's been dealt with, you merely use it as another source to motivate you. Nothing bad ever stays, where there's bad there's good and vice versa." Duke Oslo smiles, amused.
"You're very wise... Thank you for listening to this silly concubine."
"You can't be too silly, especially if you're complimenting me."

Escorting me out of his office, he walks by my side down the hallway.
Stealing small curious glances, I notice guards and advisors around the area and different decoration compared to the rest of the palace.

"I've never been allowed here before." I say, admiring the portraits of generals and nobles hanging on the walls.
"Yes, this is the east wing. Many other generals and the high nobles occupy offices here—since we must work closely to his highness. Diplomatic conferences are held here as well, so for security purposes the knights can't allow access to anyone."
"I see. Oh, will you be attending the spring ball?"
"Yes, the higher nobility must attend all large events his highness holds, especially the spring ball. It's a custom to find a partner for spring though, so it seems I'll be in a bind."
"Pardon? I'm sure any lady would gladly attend as your partner."
"Yes, but it's about whether or not I would want one I suppose."

For a moment, I catch a glimpse of his side profile. His eyes seemed cold and indifferent—the startling part—the friendly smile he always wears, never wavers even with an empty gaze.

Duke Oslo meets my stare, his eyes squinting slightly as he continues wearing a friendly expression. The indifferent eyes I didn't expect him to have, gone as if my imagination.
"But you won't worry about that. His highness doesn't apply to the custom, but I'm sure he'll ask you to attend with him."
"I... I don't necessarily know if he will..."
"And what makes you say that?"

Subconsciously I slow my steps, standing still as many thoughts wash over me.
Thinking for a moment, I recall the memory of the advisors.

"Because I'm not someone who can stand by him."
"What makes you say that?"
"I know due to his conquering of Xiao, there's a power struggle from neighboring kingdoms... Everyone's curious if Xiao's princess could become queen or empress, and now every kingdom and noble family took it as a sign to send marriage requests. There's more suitable candidates in than I, and I'm sure they'd ask their princesses to attend the ball with him for a chance at being a candidate... I'm a mere concubine—a fallen princess. I'll become fuel that ignites anger in others, if I'm the reason his highness doesn't spare any attention to candidates."
"You're right, his highness might have to indulge their greed in order to keep peace... However, he's a man who'll much rather rule alone than to follow the requests of selfish nobles."
"Selfish?" I tilt my head slightly.
"Yes. Those families all ask for his highness to marry their daughters or nieces. They only want the power of having the throne in their reach. His highness would never entertain such desires–especially for strangers he has no care for. Have you considered the possibility if he asks to marry you?"
"Marry me?" I question.
"Yes. It's clear that he doesn't treat you like a normal concubine, on the contrary he seems more like a loyal dog waiting for his owner to give him attention."
"Calling the emperor a dog is a bit risky to say in such a place." I whisper, glancing at the guards down the hall.
"His highness wouldn't care even if I told him myself."
"But even if he treats me in such a way, how could I consider marrying him? I-I'm just a concubine..." I meekly shy away as my heart begins to sting.
"I'm sure his highness doesn't treat you kindly just because you're his concubine. I know he treats you kindly because of who you are."
"Be that as it may, I have no right to stand beside him... Many citizens could object, and kingdoms and officials would object to it too."
"I never knew you were so negative." Lightly poking my eyebrow, Duke Oslo flashes a playful grin.
Surprised by his action, I realize that I've been frowning.

"I suppose you haven't spoken to him about your doubts?"
"How did you know?"
"Because I'm sure you would be less disheartened if you did speak to him. How come you haven't yet?"
"Because... His highness is affectionate and sweet to me... But I'm a coward it seems." I flash a bright smile, trying to hide the pain in my heart, "I'm afraid that he'll admit that marrying me or loving me is something reserved only in our dreams... I'm afraid to face the truth if he has to marry another lady."
"I see. I believe your fears aren't cowardly, but something to respect."
"Why is that?"
"His highness and I have known each other since we were young. Being the only son of my family, I was taught the responsibilities of becoming a duke. So, I was invited to the royal palace many times and met his highness multiple times, but he was very odd in a way."
"Odd how?"
"He merely didn't gaze upon anyone. He accepted greetings and goodbyes being he was the second prince yet... He merely looked past everyone, almost like he was staring at a far away place beyond anyone's eyes. All the previous king and queen's children must be perfect, they must not show weaknesses and love is the biggest weakness when leading an empire."
"So he can't love?"
"He can. There's no one who would tell him otherwise, but being the emperor, his marriage must benefit the empire. I'm sure due to his teachings, he's become numb to the proper way of honoring love since he must fulfil his duties."
"So, you think he'd marry another lady too?" I whisper, my chest pounding painfully.
"He could fight against it, but this is purely speculation."
"I see..."
"I understand your anxiousness stops you from speaking with him... But I think once you've found the courage and time, you should ask him. It does affect your relationship with him, and even your future here."
"I'll think about it for a bit... To be honest... After realizing the difference in our positions, I may want to run away from here."
"Run away? You could be hunted and executed if you did." Duke Oslo looks at me surprised.
"I know... Yet I'm just his concubine..." I bite my lip, trying not to cry as I think about the words of the advisors, "I know the feelings we have for each other are special, and I cherish them greatly... But in the end it'll be unbearable for me if I watch him marry another lady... I just hoped for a chance."
"A chance?"
"The chance to love someone freely, and a chance to find who I want to be in this world. I've been thinking about if I had the chance to meet him under normal circumstances... Would he still call my name sweetly? Would we be able to cultivate our love? But that's only my imagination... The reality is, we met in an odd circumstance and growing a relationship is unimaginable. Surely inside these walls, it's impossible if I'm meant to live a life watching his highness marry another."
Duke Oslo nods, listening to me.
"Do you doubt his love?" Duke Oslo questions.
"He treats me preciously... He did everything he can to save me, and kept me safe... He gave me affection as if it was as easy as breathing for him... I can't doubt him when he loves me in such a way, but within these walls, I have no right to stand next to him."
Taking a moment to ruminate on my words, Duke Oslo gives a small smile—his eyes glancing at me with pity as if agreeing that my fears are true.
"But, I say this in confidence, so please don't tell another soul." I smile, trying not to grow emotional as I realize the duke can't deny my words.
"I promise, Lady Luna, I won't speak a word of this to anyone. Everyone has at least one secret." Duke Oslo smiles, reassuringly.
"Thank you, your grace." I nod, smiling.

Walking the rest of the way in silence, I can only think about the duke's reaction and the words of the advisors. Soon, Duke Oslo opens the door to my bedroom, gesturing me to enter.
"My lady, please wash up, I'm sure I missed some blood while I was cleaning up." Duke Oslo kindly smiles.
"Yes, thank you for your help, your grace. Goodnight." I curtsy, trying to remain calm.
Waving goodbye to Duke Oslo as he walks away, a coldness goes through my body as I begin to think about if my love for Cabel can survive.

Stepping out of my bath, I change into a slip night gown before throwing the bloodied training clothes into a basket.
Taking a book from my night stand, I crawl into bed as the image of Duke Oslo expression lingers in my mind.

Moments pass as I try to read a few pages.
Unable to focus on the literature, I place the book down on my lap, my heart aching persistently.
"He loves me... Can I really stay beside him as I am?" I whisper.
I lie back, staring at the ceiling.
Closing my eyes, I fall into a deep sleep with heavy feelings in my heart.