The Emperor's Concubine

Chapter Fifty-Five

I sit across Duke Oslo, steam lifting up from the teacups in front of us.
"Would you like to share your thoughts?" He kindly asks.
I take a deep breath, looking down at my slightly trembling hands.
"I... I want to be stronger. I want to find who I am, regardless of the past."
"I understand. May I ask, why that is?"
"I-I'm tired of being hit with fear. I'll move on like I'm no longer bothered by the past, yet when incidents similar to it happen, I shake in my boots, frozen of what to do..."
"To run away from the past, is cruel..."
"How so?"
Duke Oslo sips his tea. He ponders for a moment, placing the teacup on the table as he clasps his hands together.

"Because you don't experience the moment of moving on, or accepting the fear."
I stare at him, ruminating on his words.
"To run from the past is easy, to feign ignorance to it all. Yet the time comes when reminded of the pain and suffering one went through, and brings pain larger than before. To accept the past and acknowledge it, opens your world that possibly nothing is worse than experiencing the hardships one went through already. You grow from it and that pain becomes part of you, the motivation to run, to keep fighting and growing." He kindly smiles.
"How does one simply do such a thing? To acknowledge the past seems more painful..."
"To each their own. It can cause more pain but the moment it clicks, the moment you realize you aren't scared of it, it becomes the thing that pushes you out of that abyss of fear."
"I see..." I think on his words.
He takes a deep breath and stands.
"H-How would I move on from pain that currently happens?" I ask, staring up at him.
He closes his eyes and thinks to himself.
"You continue with it. You deal with it and eventually it won't hurt, and that's when you'll know you've moved on." He smiles.
I lightly chuckle.
"That's a very logical way to think."
"Yes... I suppose it is, but it does help. If it causes you pain after it's been dealt with, you merely use it as another source to motivate you. Nothing bad ever stays, where there's bad there's good and vice versa." Duke Oslo smiles, amused.
"You're very wise... Thank you for listening to this silly concubine."
"Never silly if you compliment me."
I giggle as he jokes around.

He escorts me out of his office, walking with me down the hallway filled with guards and advisors.
"I've never been down here before." I say, admiring the portraits of generals and nobles hanging on the walls.
"Yes, this is the east wing. Other generals, and the marquess occupy offices here. Conferences are held down here as well, so it's rare for the knights to allow just anyone access."
"I see... Oh, will you be attending the spring ball that's coming up?"
"Yes, the marquess and I attend all large balls his highness holds for formalities, especially the spring ball. It is a custom to find a partner for spring though, so if I can't find one I may just not go."
"I see..."
Duke Oslo looks down at me.
"But you won't worry about that. His highness doesn't apply to the custom, but I'm sure he'll ask you to attend with him."
"I... I don't necessarily know if he will..."
"And what makes you say that?"
I sigh, slowing my steps. I look up at him and smile.
"I know due to his conquering of Xiao, there's a power struggle from neighboring kingdoms who wish to have their princesses on the throne. I know there's more suitable candidates in the empire than I... I'm a mere concubine, a fallen princess who's not suitable to mother the empire. I'll only become fuel to ignite anger in others, if I'm the reason his highness doesn't accept candidates."
"Well, I know his highness doesn't care of customs such as that. If it pertains to his empire, he wouldn't let other kingdoms have a say in his empire... I suppose there's a reason that you haven't spoken to him about it?"
"How did you know?"
"Because I'm sure you would be less disheartened if you did speak to him. How come you haven't yet?"
"Because... His highness is affectionate and sweet to me... But I'm a coward it seems." I flash a bright smile, trying to hide the pain in my heart, "I'm afraid that he'll admit that marrying me or loving me is something reserved for our dreams. I'm afraid to face the truth if he has to marry another lady."
"I see... I believe your fears aren't cowardly, but something to respect."
"Why is that?"
"His highness and I have known each other since we were young. Being the only son of my family, I was taught the responsibilities of becoming a duke. So, I was invited to the royal palace many times and met his highness multiple times, but he was very odd in a way."
"Odd how?"
"He merely didn't gaze upon anyone. He accepted greetings and goodbyes being he was the second prince yet... He merely looked past everyone, almost like he was staring at a far away place, beyond anyone's eyes. All the previous king and queen's children must be perfect, they must not show weaknesses and love is the biggest weakness."
"So he can't love?"
"He can, there's no one who would tell him otherwise but being the ruler of the empire, he must marry to benefit the empire. I'm sure due to his teachings, he's become numb to the proper way of honoring love."
"So, you think he'd marry another lady too?" I whisper, my chest pounding painfully.
"I'm sure he'll fight against it, but I can't say for sure."
"I see."
"So, I understand your hesitation. I think once you've found the courage and time, you should ask him. It does affect your relationship with him, and even your future here."
"I'll think about it then... To be honest... After torturing myself with those thoughts, I realized that I want to run away from here..."
"Run away? You could be hunted and executed if you did." Duke Oslo looks at me surprised.
"I know... Yet I'm just his concubine. Having feelings between him and I, I realize that in the end, it'll become unbearable for me if I have to watch him marry another lady... I just hoped for a chance."
"A chance?"
"Yes... A chance to love someone, a chance to find who I want to be in this world, and a chance to be better. Surely inside these walls, it's impossible if I'm meant to live a life watching his highness marry another."
Duke Oslo nods, listening to me.
"I promise, Lady Luna, I won't speak a word of this to anyone. Everyone has at least one secret." Duke Oslo smiles, reassuringly.
"Thank you, your grace." I nod, smiling.

We stop in front of my room.
"My lady, please wash up, I'm sure I missed some blood while I was cleaning up." Duke Oslo kindly smiles.
"Yes, thank you for your help, your grace. Goodnight." I curtsy and smile.
I open my door, waving goodbye to Duke Oslo as he walks away.

Entering my bathroom, I watch as the water fills the tub as the duke's conversation runs through my mind again.
Stepping out of my bath, I change into a slip night gown before throwing the bloodied training clothes into a basket.
I grab the book from my night stand and crawl into bed.

Moments pass as I try to read a few pages.
Unable to focus on the literature, I place the book down on my lap, my heart aching persistently.
"He said he loves me... But I'm not even sure what love should be like... Can I really be okay never finding out what it is?" I whisper.
I lie back, staring at the ceiling.
Closing my eyes, I fall into a deep sleep with heavy feelings in my heart.