If I have Nothing (Absinthe Series 5)

Kabanata 33

Kabanata 33

If I Have Nothing

There are still things that I keep on wondering about. Like a child, I have questions in mind that I couldn't seem to implore to him. Lalo na kung ako lang rin naman ang gustong umiwas sa mga tanong na iyon.

I was silent on our way home. Dikit ang aking ulo sa bintana ng kaniyang kotse habang sinusundan ng mga mata ang mga nadadaanang ilaw. There was a deafening silence between us ever since we entered his car.

Ala una na ng umaga nang makauwi kami. Their gig lasted for two hours with a few breaks in between. Bumabalik siya sa table ko kapag may oras siya at kapag wala naman, nagpapadala siya ng tubig na maiinom ko dahil hindi ako pwedeng masobrahan sa inumin.

I wanted to forget how he stared at me like I am the most attractive person in that room filled with crowds of people. I wanted to forget how he sang those lyrics of the song like it was all meant for me. Those alluring words weren't for me, for sure. I don't want to assume and I don't want to ask why.

Why would he make me confuse? Why would he make me feel like he wanted this marriage to work in the first place?

Natauhan ako nang huminto na ang kaniyang kotse sa parking lot ng condo. Napalingon ako sa kaniya na nag-aalis na ng kaniyang seat belt. Like me, he was silent too—like he was weighing the situation that we were in. Alam kong sanay naman siyang hindi ko kinakausap, pero iba ngayon. Ramdam kong ayaw niya lang magsalita kahit gusto niya.

I sighed and followed what he did. Without his help, I went out of his car. Magkatabi kami habang naglalakad at kahit na sa elevator ay ganoon din. There weren't any people who'll come between us, either. It was as if the whole night was meant for our talk or maybe for our silence. Nakatingin lamang ako sa repleksyon namin sa elevator. He was standing close beside me, arms a bit bouncing into mine when he breathes. Pinigilan kong huwag siyang lingunin. Ayaw kong matitigan ang mga mata niyang kanina pang ako ang sentro ng atraksyon.

I didn't want it but I can't help but longed for it. Iyong kahit ang tingin niya malamig, nararamdaman ko naman ang init na dumadaloy sa aking mga ugat tuwing nararamdaman ito. Bumabalik ako sa panahong gustong makuha ang kaniyang atensyon dahil gusto kong malaman kung tanggap niya na ba ako sa mundong kinabibilangan niya. I would ask myself, 'when will I ever get to see those eyes looking at me warmly?'. Pero hindi ko kailangan nang mainit na pagtingin kung sa malamig na niyang mga mata ay batid ko na ang init dito.

I went out of the elevator first and I felt him followed after. The walk was painfully slow as I took small steps. Gusto kong bilisan ngunit may pumipigil sa akin. When we stopped in front of our unit, I opened the door with my spare key.

Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng paglalakad sa loob nang maramdaman ko ang pagpigil sa akin. Virile arms embraced my figure from the back. Lumusot iyon sa aking mga braso at malayang nayakap ang aking baywang. Naramdaman ko ang pagkahulog ng susi at ng aking clutch sa sahig nang dahil sa gulat.

I felt the heat that he was emitting from my back that slowly spread all over my body. His embrace tightened on my stomach. There was a warm and fuzzy feeling inside of it that made me long for it more but I couldn't move or say anything. All my systems shut down for an unknown reason.

I felt his warm breath tickling on my nape. I gasped softly when he buried his face on it and sniffed my scent. I shivered at the way his nose would trace the curve of my neck and even the lengths of my collarbone. Pinigilan ko ang huminga.

"Syden Amaryllis..." he huskily mumbled my name against my skin. His palm slowly moved at the curve of my body.

I bit my tongue as I listened to him. The familiar vibration on his chest was all I felt when he almost plastered himself on my back.