If I have Nothing (Absinthe Series 5)

Special Chapter

If I Have Nothing: Special Chapter

Everything was okay. Rhett and I's beginning of married life started off as beautiful and fun. Not until I realized that, sooner or later, we'll both feel that we lack something.

At unti-unti ko na iyong nararamdaman. It felt so lonely whenever I am alone in the house, waiting for the day to be over. Hihintayin ko si Rhett sa pag-uwi at sasalubungin siya ng halik at yakap. At first, it became a good feeling to hug him af the end of the day. At first, it was all lovely and bright whenever I cuddle with him on our bed.

Pero kapag nasa ospital na ako at iniisip kung ano bang ginagawa niya sa bahay kapag mag-isa siya, hindi ko maiwasang isipin na baka...pareho din kami ng nararamdaman.

I sighed. Thinking negatively won't do me any good. Maybe because I was tired and all but, from time to time, I can't help but feel a little bit disappointed of myself. I kept thinking that I cannot be a good wife to Rhett because I lack something.

Hindi naman siya ang nagkulang kung hindi ako.

We've been trying, alright. One year of marriage and still nothing happens. We've asked for opinions and there is a possibility that I might get pregnant if I take specialized pregnancy pills. However, there are underlying consequences of taking some and Rhett was hesitant to try that appeal.

I sighed again.

Pang-ilang beses na ba?

The door to the on-call room opened revealing one of my co-residents. Nakahiga lang kasi ako sa kamang nandoon kaya tamad lang akong sumulyap sa pinto.

"Are you done calling the ward, Syd?" Kat asked.

"Yeah." I replied languidly as I sat up.

"You should go home then. It's already close to ten pm."

"Nagpahinga lang naman ako." rason ko at tuluyan na ngang napatayo. My bag was at the desk. Si Kat ay nakatingin doon. Napatingin din ako.

Nakalabas pala ang iilang gamit ko sa isa kong bag. My on call bag is different from my normal ones. Ayaw ko namang kada emergency ay may nakaharang na ibang bagay kaya minsan tatlo o dalawa ang dala kong bag kapag on duty.

"Are you pregnant?" Kat asked as she sat on the chair.

"Nah." Umiling ako at ipinasok sa bag ang pregnancy test kit na lumabas. "Just trying my luck."

"It's okay for you to get pregnant while on residency?"

"Hmm," tumango ako. It's not really a problem to me. Ang gusto ko lang ay makabuo ng pamilya kasama si Rhett, kahit anong oras o taon pa ang aabutin.

Though we're not sure if we could, we're still trying. Mas maaga, mas maganda. I've always had that intense urge to have a baby but because of my condition, I couldn't bear a child that easily. Ayaw ko rin namang magpadalos-dalos pero nasasayang lang din ang oras. Sooner or later, both Rhett and I will feel that we're both incomplete even though we have each other.

"Kung kaya mo naman diba, why not?" Kat chuckled. "At saka, I bet you'll be a good mother at the same time, a good doctor. Ikaw pa ba? You're like one of the best surgeon resident here!"

"Hindi naman." Nahihiya kong sabi. Sa totoo lang din, ang unang taon ng residency ko ay parang papatayin ako sa pagod. There are times where I couldn't come home because our shifts were not regular. Minsan may 36-hour shift ako, minsan 16 hours, depended na rin. I'm glad that even though that was the situation, Rhett can still wait for me. May iilang usapan na nga akong hindi nasisipot kasi ganoon nga.