If I have Nothing (Absinthe Series 5)

Kabanata 4

Kabanata 4

If I Have Nothing

Life taught me how to fight for my own good. Sa buhay ng isang tao ay may panahong nananalo at natatalo. For me, losing was never an option. Ginawa ko ang lahat para hindi sumuko at matalo dahil sa huli ako ang magiging kawawa at hindi tatanggapin. It pains me to see someone not being accepted for who he is and for what he has become. Nasasaktan ako dahil naramdaman ko rin naman iyon.

Being accepted is a big matter to me. Minsan lang ako makaramdam ng pagtanggap ngunit sa mga taong alam kong naging parte na ng buhay ko. Acceptance is the greatest gift, a human being could ever received. Ngunit bakit ganoon? Natuto akong tumanggap ng mga tao sa buhay ko ngunit bakit hindi nila ako matanggap bilang ako?

Juni once told me that I cannot push all people to accept me. Sabi niya pa ay kung ayaw akong tanggapin, bakit ko ipagsisiksikan ang sarili ko? There are people out there who would accept me wholeheartedly. Why waste your time pushing yourself to them?

Siguro tama nga si Juni. I guess I should stop pushing myself to the limits. Limitado ang lahat sa mundo at hindi natin alam ang mga mawawala sa atin.

Months passed by like a blur. Sa araw na ito pakiramdam ko ay nakatanggap ako ng isang malaking premyo. Finishing junior high school is a dream come true. Noon sa ampunan ay pangarap ko lang na makapasok sa paaralan at may mapag-aralan ngunit ngayon ay nakapagtapos na ako. Ramdam ko ang saya sa aking dibdib ngunit may lungkot din sapagka’t alam kong may mga taong hindi tanggap ang kung anong nakamit ko ngayong araw.

I sighed as I walked on the straight path together with my classmates. Kasisimula pa lang ng ceremony at ang lahat ay sobrang pormal sa pagkilos. Lumingon ako sa paligid at nakita sina Mommy na nandoon sa likod. Si Kuya ay panay ang kuha ng litrato habang nakangiti. Kahit papaano’y napangiti na rin ako bago humarap sa stage.

My name was called for a speech. Tumayo akong nakangiti habang inihahanda ang sarili sa talumpating hindi ko pinaghandaan. Umakyat ako sa stage at napaluha dahil sa nakitang saya sa kapwa ko mga estudyante.  Tumikhim ako at umayos ng tayo.

“I did not really prepare a copy for my speech but I will do it spontaneously. ‘Wag po kayong mag-alala, it will not take long. I just want everyone to hear it.”

Huminga ako nang malalim at ngumiti.

“Back then, I wasn’t really expecting something big like this. All I want before was to study and go to school. Most of you may think that it was boring, indeed it was, for some of us. For me learning is not just acquired at home or in school. We acquired it from ourselves. We developed ourselves into beings that are capable to think of something beyond what we already learned. Masaya ako at nakaabot tayo sa puntong ito. We deserve this, fellow classmates and students. We deserve to be happy today. We should all give thanks to our Almighty God who never left us during ups and downs, wins and loses. I thank my parents for for bringing up the best in me. And yes, I can say that it’s time for us to thank our parents for we’ve reached this point of our lives. For motivating and inspiring us to do our very best. Let us all pat our shoulders for a job well done. I hope to see you soon, guys. And maybe in that soon, we will meet with still a smile on our faces for we are proud to be successful. Thank you.”

Ngumiti ako at nagpunas ng luha. Hindi ko namalayang napaluha ako sa hindi pinaghandaang speech. I was actually thinking of something different. I won’t let them remember the sad moments of being a junior high school student. I want them to think of the future. Gusto kong ibahin ang pananaw ng lahat sa pagkakaron ng seremonyang ganito. It only shows us what we’ve become after all these years. Hindi kailangang ipaalala ang mga masasakit na ala-ala, instead I made my own version of letting them think of the future. At siguro sapat na ang araw na ito na mapasaya ko sila.