Built On Trust

This can't be real

As everyone knows, my life is documented in tabloids all over. True or not, there's a new story about Brad and I every week. Another kid, getting divorced, renewing our vows, one of us cheating, everything. 95% of it isn't even close to being true. We've both agreed to ignore them, trying to convince our families to do the same, but sometimes when you're waiting in line to pay you glance at them. Sometimes they photo shop me to make me look pregnant, and it seems believable, sometimes they find a picture of Brad or I hugging someone else and make it seem like we very well could be cheating. I wish it would all go away, but I know it wont. The best I can do is teach the girls that they will know first hand when something exciting happens and that they shouldn't believe those magazines unless they heard it's true from Brad and I first.

One of my biggest fears is getting trapped in that parallel universe of my life. Sometimes I think what it would be like if any of those things where true. What if he cheated again? Could I forgive him? What if I cheated? Could I ever forgive myself? What if I was pregnant again? Would we finally have a boy? All those things run through my head at random times, and it hurts me to think about them. Sure, having a boy wouldn't be bad, but could Brad and I really start everything over? Would I be able to handle the pregnancy 2 years older than what I was when I had the twins? It's all so crazy to me. What hurts the most is the cheating. Just seeing it on a cover is hard. I know that's all in the past and he has been nothing but amazing since, and he never really went all the way, but it still hurts to think about it. I wake up with nightmares sometimes and couldn't be happier to see that I'm in his arms and he's worried about me, making sure that I'm okay.

I walk into our house holding the twins hands after dropping Shay off at preschool. They go into the living room to play with their toys, and curious about the random car parked close to the house I go upstairs to see if Brad knows about it. I get halfway up the steps and block out the twins laughing to hear creaking. Not just any creaking, but creaking from the bed. Our bed. I wake up and find myself all sweaty and full of anger. I look over to see Brad next to me, his arm laying over my side. He's been doing that since I was pregnant with Shay because he loved feeling her kick and move. I smile knowing that I'm with him for good and nothing is happening.

I lay in bed, reading and texting Court. I've been noticing Brad acting a little weird lately so I parked down the street where he won't see my car and the girls are at her house. I hear the front door shut in front of me along with Brad's footsteps and someone following behind. With each step the mysterious woman takes I hear her heels click. The noise stops and I realize they must have made there way to the living room where there's carpet. I can't help but cry. My husband, the man I trust with my life is cheating on me again. He promised this would never happen. He promised he would always be loyal. My thoughts are interrupted when I hear our door open open and watch as they walk in. They're making out and don't even realize that I'm there until Brad goes to close the door and sees me. His face sinks and the woman looks over to see me then turns around and runs out the door. I wake up again, the same way as before.

The dreams always go something like that, and something in the back of my head is always telling me, "This can't be real", and every time I wake up to see him I know that's true.

The tabloids might try, but they'll never break us. We've been through hell and came out stronger.

This is a different type of part, but I thought it seemed kind of cool. Instead of just doing Jen having a nightmare I thought I would add some background information.