rainbows

twenty nine

Cold. I feel cold air all over my body. As if I'm in snow. I can feel myself rocking in the snow, but it's painful. My eyes snap open as I look at the person standing in front of me.

She was shaking my body and my covers? They're gone, I'm not in snow but my bed and my room? It's fucking cold as Narnia because of the air conditioner.

"What the fuck?!" I scream, my voice hoarse. My eyes squint because of lightning.

"I'm leaving and thought I'd pay you a visit." Doris rolls her eyes.

"Why?" I ask covering my face by the covers. All this lighting isn't good for my health, I hate light.

"Get your lazy ass out of the bed and do something. I know something's wrong and I'll leave now." She says leaving without shutting the door on her way out. Ugh.

I stare at the opened door for a few minutes. Nobody's home, so no one will come to shut it. Lexi? I'm not going to fucking ask her. Huffing I remove the covers and shut the door.

On my way back to the bed my gaze falls on the mirror. I stare at my reflection. Dead black locks, lifeless eyes, chapped lips. I twirl at my locks staring, I don't like them, I don't want them.

I hastily open my drawer and shuffle through it until my hands land on a tube I'm finding.
I bring a bowl from the kitchen, pour the contents of the tube and start working.

Two hairs later I stare in the mirror with awe, looking at my blue hair. It complements my skin. I like my hair better now at least more than my old boring brown locks. But there's something, some feeling I can't seem to find meaning to, it's been eating me up, a nauseated feeling, knot in my stomach.

I screwed up big time. I didn't get into any of the colleges I applied to. Ugh, what was I thinking?
I try to chant Ryan's words in my mind but they don't seem to work. I put my hands on the table, taking deep breaths chanting "It's okay." I need water. I frantically search through my room for a bottle, gulping it down in one shot I sit at my bed.

Fuck fuck fuck. What am I going to do now? There's a knock at my door. I don't want to entertain anyone now. Ugh.

"Lyss." I open the door. It's mom on the other side. I don't have the strength to face dad or mom now. She gapes at my new hair.

"What?" I ask folding my arms. Clearing her throat she responds "Nice hair. Anyways come eat dinner."

I shake my head. "I- I can't. I'm not hungry."

"Lexi has something to announce." She smiles. Okay. What? I have no clue what she's talking about. This is going to be a different kind of dinner, I can feel it. They never do shit like this. I hardly get acknowledged in the family but honestly, I don't even care.

"I don't care," I say but my voice gets caught at the end. No matter what the circumstances she's still my sister and deep down I care only and only about her.

"Tell that to yourself." She says leaving. Ugh. I take a glance at my face one more time, cringing at my face before heading towards the dining table.

I have a feeling this is going to be about the guy she's dating or maybe her art competition, the one she got into for the gallery and shit. I get goosebumps as I get closer to them, I don't have the strength to tell them but like Ryan said it's never the right time. I wonder what goes through his head. He says some weird things, not that I mind I'm like him in this field.

The chair produces a familiar screech as I push it to sit. Lexi glances at me with a worried face but doesn't say anything. What's going on? Oh my god did they got to know I didn't get into college? Fuck fuck fuck.

As calmly as possible I look around and ask "So what was the big announcement?"

"I never said it was big." Lexi rolls her eyes. Yeah, whatever miss-stop-rolling-your-eyes-they'll-get-stuck.

Mum smiles looking at her "C'mon tell them." She urges her.

"Umm." Lexi fidgets with her fingers. I can see she's nervous "I got a part in this gallery thing that's happening this weekend. They're going to hang my paintings. There's going to be hundreds of people."

I heave a sigh of relief knowing it wasn't about my college. I don't know what reaction to give, I knew it already so I just try to smile.

Dad beams with happiness engulfing her in a hug.
"Oh, my baby! I'm so happy for you." His ocean blue eyes shining as he speaks, eyes that could've shone if I had gotten into college, eyes that always shone for me, eyes that have created a great distance from me, eyes I have envied since I was a kid.

"Sweetie who was the first person you told it to?" She raised her eyebrows. Lexi stiffens at her question.

"Uh. You." She smiles a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. Wait, what? I look at her for some explanation but she only gives me a pleading look in response. She wants me to be quiet. She wants mom to think she told her first. She wants to be the better kid.
It makes sense, her nervousness.

"Yes." Mom laughs, happy that Lexi chose to tell her before anyone else. Well if only she knew. Dad smiles looking at both of them.

I want to tell her it was me, I was the one she told first, the night I met Ryan in front of the library. But I don't, because if she wants to be the better kid I'll let her, I'm nothing but a disappointment. So for the rest of the dinner, I keep my head down looking at food silently as they talk.

The night I met Ryan.
It feels so weird to think that the kid I went dancing in fifth grade is someone my seventeen-year-old self calls a friend. Or maybe more. My subconscious adds but I shove her in the back of my head. I have enough problems, for now, to deal with. Ryan is just a friend.

I play with my food, I don't have any appetite left. I look at all three of them, laughing, eating, talking. I want to tell them, even scream that I didn't get into college, but I can't, the sick feeling in my stomach doesn't let me. They look so happy, it's been ages since I saw them all like this and it's all because of Lexi. I am jealous of her. She makes it all look so easy.

I feel left out. Is it weird that I feel left out in my own family? Probably yes. I'm a weird disappointment, I silently stand up, they don't even notice. Huh.

I pick up my phone from my bed and start leaving the house. It is only when I'm at the door when mom notices me "Where are you going?" She asks, her voice still laced with happiness. Happiness Lexi gave her. The happiness I could never give. The happiness I'll never be able to give.

"Out," I say. I don't wait for her reply as I slam the door behind me and walk out of this house. I can't be here, at least right now, I need peace.

It's a strange feeling and by the time my feet hits the concrete, I don't feel myself. Hell, I'm not myself. It's the only explanation for why my feet start moving in the direction of Ryan's house at this hour. It's the only explanation for why after walking for ten fucking minutes when Ryan opens the door I feel safe. It's the only explanation for why arms immediately wrap around his bony figure taking in his scent. It's the only explanation for when he hugs me back I break down in tears. It's the only explanation for why I feel at peace. At home.