rainbows

thirty

I hate crying.
I hate letting people see me like this.

But somehow right now I can't help it, the tears, they're streaming so hard I can't contain them. I can't contain all this. I blubber like a kid, I'm not liking this at all but the way his arms hug my body tightening every now and then I don't know if I want to feel anything else right now.

I bury my face in his neck as he rubs his hands on my back. I hate Lexi. I hate my family so much, so much I want to shout and scream at every person I come across. I hate how as I grew up my relation with them kept on falling apart. I hate being such a coward. I hate how I don't have any strength left.

I don't know how long we stay like this. The sound of someone clearing their throat comes to us and Ryan pulls away, still holding my arms.

"You wanna come inside?" A deep voice behind Ryan asks.

Fuck.
Shit.
I'm at his house.
Oh my god.
This is so embarrassing.
I should get going.
But, wait.
I don't really want to go.
Anyways fuck it.

"Yeah." I nodded wiping my face, "yeah." I say between hiccups, looking at Ryan's face silently asking for permission. He just smiles in return moving away.

I look at the person standing behind him. The figure is familiar, I squint my eyes, it's too dark.

The person comes forward, a ray of the street light falling on his face. It's his dad. I remember from the family photo. What is he doing here? He didn't tell me he was back.
Is he too hiding something from me? I immediately look into his eyes, this is too much "You didn't tell me he was back." I cross my arms. I bet my face looks so ugly right now.

"Yeah, it was kind of a last-minute thing." He scratches the back of his neck.

"C'mon you two." His dad steps aside making way for us. He looks the same as he looked in the photo, just a little pale. I turn my attention from him to the sick feeling creeping inside me, making its way again. I'm going to be sick.

Ryan guides me towards the living room, even though I know the way. Even here I feel so out of place, I look around trying to act fascinated instead of awkward.

"Oh. Hi." His mom comes in wiping her hands from a towel, looking at me with a shocked expression "I didn't know we were going to have company." She says and that's when I realise, they're going to have a family dinner. Shit. I just ruined it. I don't know what to do.

I silently stand not knowing what to do, staring at her as she stares right back at me. I feel timid. His dad enters saving me "Han, she's.." he looks at me.
What?
Ohhh. Realisation draws on my face.

"Alyssa," I speak, my voice weak. He keeps on looking at me. What now? Ugh.

"Mom, dad, she's Alyssa." Ryan comes in, motioning his hands towards me "She'll be having her dinner here." He smiles looking at me.
No.

I immediately shake my head "No, no it's fine I'm not hungry I'll just get going." I start moving towards the door. I don't know where I'll go, maybe just sit on their roof, but this is just so weird I need to leave, honestly, I have no clue what the fuck happened in the last twenty minutes.

"It's okay I'll come with you," Ryan says.

"Umm no it's fine" I start leaving when his dad speaks "Its okay, Ryan will go with you. I don't think you should be alone right now."

"Fine." I huff. At least it's better than being alone right now.

"Drink some water before going." His mom offers to which I nod. She looks so fragile as if somebody hugs her right now she'll crack.

After gulping the entire glass in one drink I thank them and immediately run outside. I want to be in the open. It was so packed in there. I furiously wipe my face, I must look like a mess right now. A few minutes later Ryan joins me a jacket in his hand.

"Take it." He gives it to me.

"What?" I ask. What is he asking me to do with his jacket?

"Wear it. It's going to get cold." He says. True to his words I feel the cold air hitting my face.

"Fine." I huff putting it over my top instead of wearing it. He stares at me, annoyance clearly written on his face.

"Shutup. I'll wear it later." I say rolling my eyes

"Fine."He huffs. "Where do you want to go?" He asks but with a smile.

"I don't know. You're the one with mystery places here." I laugh to which he joins a moment later.
The sick feeling from before has vanished, at least for now and it's all because of Ryan. I can't help but feel happy.

A few minutes later we're standing in front of a park that was in the neighbourhood. He silently motions me to enter. I love how the whole walk we were silent, our breaths synchronised somewhere in between, the only noise filling our ears was of the chilly wind.

I enter and instantly fall on the lush grass. The pleasant feeling filling up my heart at once. Ryan follows my action, laying down beside me. I stare at the sky, stars barely visible for the naked eye to see.

We lay in silence for a while, until Ryan decides to break it.

"Have you ever thought how at some moment only seconds of our life will be left?" He asks pushing himself up on his elbows. His hair all over his face.

"What?" I look at him.

"One day only seconds of our life will be left. In a matter of second, we'll be dead."

"Okay." I respond "Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know just thought about it." He shrugs lying himself down again.

"That's a really weird way to see death but who am I to say?" I laugh looking at his face.

"Point." He chuckles looking away.

A realisation strikes me as I look at him. He never asked me why I came to him. He just gave his time to me because he knew I needed it. He even left his family dinner for me. I keep on staring at him in awe, a smile forming on my face.

He's looking at the stars and smiling.
I'm looking at him and smiling.