rainbows

thirty five

I put the novel back on the shelf. I've been in the library for hours. My mind still can't wrap around what Doris said, it's been spinning. All I've done since I entered the library is pick up a book try to read, stop reading because the words don't make any sense and then pick a new book.

The sun is starting to set down. The funeral may have been over by now. I'll just meet Ryan in one of the coming days, I'm sure he will understand.

I start to go downstairs, it's time I go back to my house. I was naive to think to be in the library would help with my thoughts, it's worse, being alone with my thoughts, a distraction would be good for me right now.

I keep on walking when a fragile hand lands on my shoulder startling me

"What the-?!" I shriek but immediately recover when I see its Christine.

What does she want now?

"Hi." She says.

"Umm hi?" I reply confused. Why is she even talking to me?

"Alyssa." She starts.

"Yeah?" I ask raising my eyebrows, my palms are getting sweaty.

"I heard." She says and I immediately get what she's talking about.

"Look, keep it to yourself I'm out of here," I say turning but she stops me.

"No, you listen to me." She starts, her index finger pointed at me " His father died!" She states as if I don't know "You're here sitting in the library doing god knows what while he sits there, at the church waiting for you to show up. Have some decency, I don't know what happened between you two, but he's a good man, a really good man and you don't push men like him away."

"I know what it feels like, my husband died and all I wanted was to not live anymore, it hurts Alyssa, it hurts, a lot. You may not know his father, but he knew. And the way I have seen you both, you should be there with him, not here with your nose between god knows which stupid book, trying to escape the reality." She's out of breath by the time she finishes and me? It feels like she just slapped my face with reality. And the fact it's all true? The slap burns.

I didn't even think about him. All I thought about was the guilt that was eating me, stupid stupid stupid Alyssa.

Image of Ryan sitting at the church with tear all over his face comes to my mind and all I can do is cry. Again.
I don't wait for another second. I'm already out of the library, I'm running towards his house, the rain has started, the rain mixes with my tears, at least the sky is crying with me, my clothes are all wet but I don't care.
All I can think of is Ryan.

By the time I reach his house I'm out of my breath, his door is locked, why is his door locked? I furiously tap my foot on the floor as I think of something.
They haven't returned from the funeral, where can he go? Chase's house? Where does he live? I have no clue, I keep on standing in front of his house in the pouring rain when it hits me.

Yes, I know where he is.

I immediately start running in its direction I know where he is. If he isn't there I don't know where he will be, but I have to try, I've been a bitch to everyone I know of enough times, it's time I take up the responsibility. I hate that it took his father's death for me to realise my character, and how messed up I am, how I treat everyone in my life.

He will understand. Really? I said that to myself, that's bullshit. I don't care what he thinks of me for ruining the dinner, I'm here now, he needs to know this. He has been here for me for countless times and this is how I chose to respond?

I feel guilty. Guilty that the only time he needed me, I was too consumed by my own problems to even look at his.
I feel disgusted by myself.
I need to get this right.
I need to make it okay.
I need to tell him that I'm here and I'll be here if he needs me.

The wooden house stands in front of me, I take a deep breath before entering it, with each step I try to calm myself it's okay Alyssa, he's going to be here.

With shaky hands, I push open the door, and there he sits, his face in his hands, with photos scattered around him, as he tries to calm myself.

My shoes make a squeaky noise as I enter and he whips his head in my direction. I gulp the bile forming in my throat as he stares at me. I don't know what's going through his mind right now, me ignoring him for days, me not coming at the funeral and now me standing in front of him with my wet clothes and hair, water dripping all over the spot I stand.

I muster the courage in me and ask "Can I come in?" Softly. He doesn't respond to me just nods. I take off my shoes as I enter, he points at the corner. Huh?

I look in the corner and there lays all his clothes. Oh. What does he want me to do?

"What?" I ask. I don't know what I am doing. I feel like a freak, but at least I'm here now.

"Wear them you'll catch cold." He says clearing his throat. Even his voice hurts me. It'll forever haunt me.

"Oh." I nod as I walk silently towards the pile of clothes. Taking a hoodie and sweatpants I stare at him. Where should I change? I'm not changing in front of him.

"Umm there's a room inside you can change there."
He says sensing my discomfort.

"Thank you," I say as I move towards the room. What am I going to do now? Tell him I'm sorry? Tell him how I didn't know his father? Tell him the guilty has been eating me up? Tell him how it's going to be okay? I should probably talk to him and console him that it's going to be okay and the shit people say to each other when hurt.

I strip and change into his hoodies and sweatpants. I sniff the clothes, They smell like him. I shyly smile and exit the room.

He sits there in the corner, a photo in his hand. They're probably of his father and family. Where is his mother? Why is he sitting here all alone? Where is chase? I have no idea but I put all my questions aside for the night. You have time. Ask him whenever you want to. I remind myself.

He stares at me for a minute before tapping at the place beside him, telling me to come to sit with him. I slowly walk and sit beside him. The photos now scattered at my feet. He picks up a few and hands me, telling me to look at them.

I nod and pick up a few. They are the same photos I saw at his house. But somehow they radiate different energy and vibe now. I look at them, and instead of asking Ryan the story behind each one of them I make up my own.

I make up a story of a non-perfect family that loved each other a lot, and even though the father may be dead now, his wife and child will never forget him, they will never forget the love he had for them and vice versa. They'll always love him and cherish the memories they had with him, good or bad every memory, because memories are the only thing they have now, and they can't let the last piece of him slip away from him.

We sit in silence until Ryan speaks up "Alyssa." And my body hair stands up, goosebumps all over it.

I turn my head slowly towards him. I open my mouth to say all the things I thought of when I was changing but one look into his eyes and I stop.

When I into his eyes I don't see his dark brown orbs with a few pecks of hazel that hold light instead I see emotion. He's hesitant but I know it, so I quietly take his hand in mine, holding onto it as tightly as possible. Not because I own him but because when I wanted somebody he was there for me too.

I don't tell him it's going to be okay, because nobody knows if it will.

So we sit in silence, holding hands, listening to our breaths mixing with the raindrops as the night passes away.