rainbows

thirty seven

"Dad," I say once we're in the car.

"Yes?" He looks at me.

"Why did we have Xanax pills at home?" I ask.

He stays quiet, looking in the other direction. I don't press him. I leave it. The ride passes in silence, we reach the house and I start leaving the car with a short thank you when his hand stops me.

"Um, Alyssa." He clears his throat.

"Yes?" I ask

"I was given those for my severe anxiety and panic attacks. Our business started going down a few years back, I didn't have it in me to tell you, kids, so I didn't, you thought I had started ignoring you but I didn't. I could never." He says, his hand rubbing my arms. "You were growing up and I didn't want to disturb you with all my worries so I stopped speaking much to you both. Lexi would come up to me once in a while but you never came. And I thought our relation, ended, I blamed myself so much for it."

"What the-" I say but immediately clamp my mouth shut. How did I never noticed it?

"It's okay. I'm fine now." He says looking into my eyes.

"I'm so sorry." I speak up burying my head in his shoulder, "promise me if something like that happens again you'll tell me."

"Of course honey." He says hugging me.
I missed this warm feeling.
So much.
We sit like that for a moment until the sound of me having a breakdown fills the small area.

"Shh." He says hugging me tighter.

"It's okay to cry, kid. Let it out." He whispers patting my back and for once I believe it.

***

It's been a week since Ryan left. I didn't get out of my bed. All I wanted to do was talk to him, about him, but turns out I crushed my phone and didn't ask for his number. Stupid.

Chase left too because I haven't seen him in a while. Dad and I have been talking more, spending our time together at the lake at nights, mom is still pissed at me but I don't hold it against her.

A book catches my eyes as I look around the room, I look closely until I figure out it's his journal. I still haven't read it.

I don't know what to expect from it. With shaky fingers, I pull it out and open it.
It's time to see what it is Alyssa.
Taking a deep breath I start reading it.

Today was the first day, I don't know why I made up all this. it was never for the project, hell I don't even have one. I came back for Dad, the college was just some excuse I made for her. I didn't know I'd see her again. I thought she wouldn't remember me, but hell she did. it's weird to see your first crush, not in the costume you danced with her In sixth grade but all grown up.

Crush? He liked me? My hands tremble and the journal falls on the floor making a thud sound, I pick it up hastily as if the words I just read will vanish like a dream. I flip to the first page and start reading it.

It was even weird meeting her sister yesterday night, Lexi if I remember correctly. She was something else, and Alyssa, god, she's grown so much. She has this changed vibe to her, she's still not confident in her skin though, I could feel it, she's still a shy person hiding behind her I'm a bitch facade. Her thoughts intrigue me.
She's such a great human,
I really hope she sees it,
I'll make sure she gets to see it.

There are a few photos of us, why didn't he take these with him? I pick them up and look at them. They're from the first day, I look so awful but instead of putting it down, I stare at it. Knowing I won't be able to relive the moment. It's just something that's gone now, gone with the wind, the only way I'll be able to relive it is by looking at the photos. I turn onto the next page.