rainbows

thirty one

"Alyssa" Ryan speaks up. We're on our way to my house. We spent most of the time on the grass laying under the sky without any word being exchanged between us. The comforting silence surrounding us.

"Yeah?" I ask softly.

"You okay?" He asks. The moonlight is directly hitting on his face, making his black eyes look lighter than ever. His ginger hair all around his face as usual.

"No." I nod saying the truth for once. "But I think I will be." I tilt my head "Hopefully."

"I hope you will be." He smiles squeezing my hand for reassurance.

"Your hair." He points to my blue hair.

"Yeah?" I touch the strands. I've forgotten I coloured my hair, seems like a lifetime ago.

"It looks nice." He smiles

"Oh. Thank you." I reply looking at my feet.
My house stands in front of us.

"So that's me,"  I say, my palms getting sweaty as I dread the fact that I have to go inside and live here.

"Umm. Goodnight." He says his arms open as he closes the space between us hugging me. I let him because after tonight I have no clue what will happen.

He ruffles my hair as we bid goodbyes. I stand on my spot staring at his figuring till it disappears into the dark light.

I sigh turning around knowing someday I'll have to talk to them about this shit. I calm my nerves before I open the door. Lights are turned off. I walk into the kitchen preparing myself by drinking some water. I rehearse in my head how I'm going to tell them. My hands are shaking.

No sound can be heard as I walk out. There's a pin drop silence. I turn the light on the hall. Where is everyone?

I take deep breaths, just one thing and everything will be back to normal, I guess, at least for now. I can feel my anxiety crawling in. I shrug it off for once and walk into their room turning on the lights. Nobody is in here.

What the?

There's a note lying on the table, huh?
I pick it up shaky hands. What is going on? My head is full of scenarios I don't want to imagine. I pick it up with shaky heads.

"Alyssa we're going out for dessert will be back late.

~ Mom"

I let out a shaky breath as I read it. At least nothing happened to them, but then the realisation hits me as I stare at the piece of paper for long.

Fuck.
For once I was going to tell them something and this is what happens.
They're out with Lexi.
I can't.

Anger, hurt, excluded, so many emotions are swirling inside me right now. My head is starting to feel heavy, my stomach is making churning noises.
I go in the kitchen and rummage through the cabinets,

It should be here.
I know they keep it here.
I've seen it a lot of times.

My vision is getting blurry. I keep on opening the drawers until I find what I'm looking for.
Holding the bottle in my shaky hands I go to my room.

I sit on my bed looking at the orange bottle, the Xanax pills calling me to take them.

Shaking the bottle I open it up, taking out three pills on my palm. I don't know why we have them and I have no clue how many to take. I contemplate whether to eat them or not. I don't have the slightest clue what can happen, nobody's home.

I look up at the ceiling wishing it could all go away, I hate this so much. I wish magic existed, I wish I lived in a fictional world. My vision gets blurry and before I know tears are streaming down my face.

This is so stupid, I think to myself, with my shaky hands I frantically wipe my tears hiding the bottle in my wardrobe.

The front door opens, their laughs and high pitched voices booming through the house. I jump on my bed covering my face with the covers hoping it could all go away.

"Al." Lexi shakes my body. I know it's her I've been awake for the last two hours but refuse to get out of my bed. I like it better here. It's comfortable and I don't have to face reality.

I keep on acting that I'm sleeping. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to stay here.

"Al I know you're awake I can see your eyelids fluttering." She says I can imagine her standing with her hands on her hips.

"Fine." I huff "What do you want?" Still looking in the opposite direction. She pushes me making space for her on my bed.

"I'm sorry." She says.

"Okay." I respond "Now let me sleep."

"No Al" she removes the covers from my body "Let me take you out for lunch, it's been so long since we went somewhere, just the two of us."

"I don't want to go anywhere," I reply. I'm still mad her. I hate her. Fuck her.

"Please I'll pay." She says with her bottom lip out.
Now that gets my attention. It's been so long since she paid for the food.

"Fine now go away." I huff.

"Okay. Thank you." She claps her hands standing up. "Its twelve right now, we'll go somewhere around two." Slamming the bedroom door she leaves.

I roll my eyes looking at the clock, good I have two more hours to sleep.

I really don't want to go and I am still mad at her but who am I kidding? She's going to pay and I hate to admit it but it's been so long since we went to dips together, just us and I kind of missed her.