After I Met You

15

𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝙵𝚒𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚎𝚗

THE GENTLE TICKING of the clock thankfully distracted me from the silence in this room. I've been to group plenty of times before, but I guess because I was around other people it wasn't as awkward as this.

Loretta, my counselor, clears her throat and scribbles a couple of notes down onto her notebook that's placed on her lap. I glance at the fishes swimming around in the huge fish tank placed against the wall and wonder why the hell Xavier likes this place. Steve said it'd be a good idea for me to come here too after I talked with him about it at group last week, but now that I've gone to a couple of sessions I'm starting to question that. It just feels weird.

"So what is it that you're wanting to achieve from therapy, Elena?" The woman asks me. It looks like she's in her fifties, brown hair that's starting to grey at the top with thick, black glasses. They remind me of Logan's. I'm trying to think of an answer to her question, but the mole on her right cheek is completely distracting me. The thing is huge.

When she clears her throat again I say, "I guess I'm wanting to just be... normal. Or, as close to normal as I can get. I'm just tired of ruining everything good that comes to me."

"Why is it that you think you ruin everything?" She asks.

"Shouldn't you know that?" I'm not trying to be rude, but isn't that the whole point of why I'm here? Isn't she supposed to figure me out?

Instead of being offended, she lets out a laugh. "The purpose of therapy isn't just for me to tell you what to do, Elena. Therapy is a place where you get to figure yourself out. I'm just here to guide you through that process."

Feeling defeated, I nod my head.

"So I'll ask again, why do you think you ruin everything?"

"Because I always do." I answer truthfully. This is our third session already, and by now she knows the basics. She knows about my addiction, my past, and what happened with Xavier. I'm not sure why she keeps asking me these questions that she already knows. "My addiction just... controls everything about me. One little trigger and I destroy everything in my path. Just like I did with Xavier."

"Do you think that maybe your addiction could be an excuse to another underlying problem?" She questions. When she scribbles more down onto the paper I'm tempted to lean over and see what she's writing.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, do you think that this feeling of self-destruction stemmed long before you ever had intercourse? Before you even knew about your addiction? Do you think that in some ways, this feeling started before then?"

"I mean..." I trail off, scanning the memory of my past. "I'm not really sure. I don't remember much honestly. I think my brain just kind of shut everything out."

"And that's where I come in." She says calmly. "I'm here to help you remember. I'm here to help you work through things."

I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to re-live the horrible memories of my past. All I want to do is be able to move on from all of this without having to do any of that. I know that's not possible though.

"So, you think that I've basically felt like shit about myself my entire life? You think I ruin things because I was born that way?"

"No." She shakes her head. "I think that because of what happened to you as a child you were taught to think that way. There's a difference."

I blink tears away and stare down at my shoes. If I talk about it I'm going to reach my breaking point, and I don't want to do that. I can't. If I do then I know that I will spiral out of control. She can't help me with that.