After I Met You

29

I know Logan said that I'd be in pain, I know that he said I'd be hurt, but I never thought that it would be this excruciating.

I've been sitting on the edge of this bridge like we've done countless times before as I try to remember what his laugh sounded like. How is it possible that I forgot how it sounded in one night?

I wish I had recorded videos. I wish I had taken pictures. Why the hell didn't I think to do any of these things?

All I have to remember him by is this hand-written note and this huge fucking check that I just have no clue what to do with.

I tried to return it to him. I went back this morning to give it back, and that's when his maid broke the news to me. Even his parents refused to see me. I mean, hell, I was going to give the check back to them. That's why his mom was so angry, right? Because I was getting all of this money and she could legally do nothing about it? He was over eighteen. Like he said, he could do as he pleased with his life.

What hurts the most is that I can't even call Xavier. He's in New York with his parents for Christmas break, and the last thing I want him to do is worry about me. Surprisingly I'm not having a downward spiral like I thought I would have. I'm just... numb.

No. Numb isn't the word. I've cried more than I ever have before. I'm definitely feeling the loss of Logan. He's left such a huge hole in my chest that I'm not sure will ever be able to be fully repaired.

A little splash in the pond interrupts my thoughts, and when I glance down into the water I laugh out loud when Sheldon swims by underneath the surface. It's so chilly outside that I'm surprised he's even swimming, but when the sun comes out for a brief moment and shines down onto the water I can't help but think this is one of those signs from Logan. The signs he swore he would send me from heaven.

His words in his letter won't leave my head. I want to do him proud. I want to live life just as he wants me to. He has to know that I can't cash this check though, right? I can't possibly accept all of that money. Sure, we became best friends, but we became best friends in such a short amount of time. Who the hell leaves someone they've only known for months half a million dollars?

Denny Duckett from Grey's Anatomy.

Okay, seriously Elena? That's a fucking TV show. You aren't part of a drama series.

I laugh again at my thoughts, wishing more than anything that Logan were here to tease me endlessly for the sentence that just floated into my head.

"I'm going to make you proud." I say out loud, smiling briefly up into the sun. "Just you wait."

__________

"Elena." Loretta smiles when she sees me sink into the chair across from her, but it quickly fades once she realizes that I'm crying. "Why the emergency visit? Explain to me what's going on."

My hands are shaking like a leaf, and I'm biting on my lip to keep myself from falling apart. I haven't cried in front of her before, I've never cried in therapy, but today seems to be a first for a lot of things, so why the hell not?

"Um, Logan passed away this morning." I say quietly. It somehow feels more real now that I've said it out loud, which makes me even more scared for the other reason I came here.

"I'm so sorry." She replies, scribbling down onto her notebook. "I know how important he was to you."

"He was." I nod. "Very important. He, uh, made me realize just a lot of things in the past couple of days, and I called you because I'm afraid I'll change my mind if I don't say this now."