Just Listen

My One Wish

So my birthday was December 23. Um, I didn't really have anything I wanted but.... you can already tell I'm lying. What I really wanted is really bad. I know I shouldn't wish for it but I can't help me. The feelings I feel are real...

I wanted Everton back. I'm happy for Christal and Everton being together (I'll tell u next chapter) but I miss him. I know his feelings for me weren't real, he told me, that if he could go back in time he would have never said yes to me. But I can't let him go. At least, not yet.

I know I'm crazy for calling him my true love, the one I wanted to marry, even the future father of my children. But it would never happen. His love wasn't real. Mine was. I fell in love with a lie. And yet that lie is the only thing I love. I could give a shit about my life. I just miss him. But I can't. Yet I still do.

Just missing him makes a desperate slut. In fact, that's exactly what he thinks of me. A stupid slut that fell stupidly in love with him. Why? Because I thought he loved me. He played with my feelings. Used me against myself. Made me feel loved while not being loved at all. I lived a life of lies for 8 months.

The truth about him and I: it was fake. Nothing he said meant anything. Nothing. None of it. I honestly want to regret dating him but I can't because my stupid self still loves him. You have no idea how I feel about him. No idea what I've done. What I've said. I did things that could've cost me my life. I did things that did cost the friends I had. No one likes me anymore and you know why, because I dated him.

I'm honestly crying as I write this because I was stupid enough to fall for him. To feel like I meant something to him. It's funny actually that I thought I would get a chance at true love. People like me don't get a chance at true love. I wish I could but, I don't have a happy ending. It's just not possible. Never.
This is exactly how I spent my birthday. Thinking about the things I did in those 8 months. The Good. The Bad. The Desperate. The Slutty. The Evil. The depressing. The End.