A week after...
***DARCIE***
Malibu Addiction Treatment Center
I sliced open the envelope and opened the folded piece of paper.
Dear Darcellyn,
hey, it's Nikki, I wish this was like jail and someone can bail me outta here but that's not how this works...I gotta stay strong and do this...for you...anyway. They asked us to write out New Years resolutions and shit for the people who loved us most. The boys are right here by my side and Tommy's doin just as good...he's a fuckin champ. I'm a hot fucking mess Darcellyn. So yeah, people who love us most...I don't have much biological family...but I'm pretty sure from the ones that I have that are still alive at least...they don't give two shits who or where I am right now...no one really loved me Darcellyn...not like you at least...never like you. I don't know what it is you do to us guys....whether it be me or even Tommy or that new bassist from that band you decided to replace me with, but I don't know. Anyway new years resolutions, cause they're breathing down my neck. My news resolution besides getting out of here is extremely simple and I'm sure it will be a resolution of mine forever....it's simplistic and not very specific but it's you. Not very specific and kind of odd and out of context but I barley know myself. What exactly this means to myself...I have no clue. Anyway Happy New Year.
Love,
Nikki
god what was this? I sniffled some tears out the way and took a breath. god I don't what I'm supposed to feel. How do I feel? is it fucked up or selfish if I say this...if I say that still hurt even though he's probably hurting more than I ever will in my life. I still feel like I have a part in this...quit the bullshit Darcellyn! you are part of this! day of his overdose he called me! me! He said I was gonna regret it! I was and I do...maybe I should have dealt with it, sucked up my feelings for Duff left it alone and dealt with Nikki and maybe this wouldn't have happened...oh but I love Duff...love him so fucking much...god fuck love! all love is doing is fucking everything up, fucking everyone over...god this it too much...Nikki was right! I ran away from my problems...god if it weren't for me would he have taken that extra dose on what was supposed to be our wedding day?! fuck. I run upstairs to the bedroom, almost breathless. I opened up the drawer and opened up a little velvet case and poured out a big nice mountain of coke, I searched the drawers more for a blade, I saw Duff hide it somewhere but where? I found a jacket I hadn't worn in a while...switchblade...bingo. I chopped off the lines they were skinny but long in size, I chopped a lot...enough "fuck" I mutter to myself as I snort a line. shit. god this is good...I'm fine...I'm okay. I take a breath and smile to myself "I'm alright" I mutter. the scar from the night of Nikki's OD still healing on my arm, I look at the blade, shimmers bright, haha I can see my own fuckin reflection in it. I tilt it and watch it sparkle almost. hm. I draw it softly on my skin, almost like graze, a slight burn to but it was okay...every time I think of Nikki I can't feel but every time I think of Duff I can but when I think of what problems I can cause...everything melds away into emptiness...and this...now...I'm making sure I can still feel. Tiny dots of blood seep out on some of the cuts but it's fine I quickly swipe them away letting the blood smudge a bit...it's fine. I put on a long sleeve to hide the barcodes on my wrist...I do another line...I crawl over to Duff's nightstand for his mug, which was filled with...vodka...huh. I shrugged and gulped the rest down, another burn gliding down my throat roughly.mm. I want more...I wander around the house...Izzy trying to be sober...Slash. I don't wanna snoop in the room...so I go to the bathroom, he said something about it last time to Steven and I. He likes taking a fresh dose after a steamy shower. I open the mirror cabinet. A syringe, it was fresh, new, pure. Girl with golden fucking eyes...I had her once...and she was good..real good...she was horrible terrible but extremely hot shit. I envy her, despise her, she ruins everything...but she treated me so well last time...but she treats my friends like shit...fuck. You practically killed Nikki...your practically turning Slash and Stevie into zombies, Izzy taking a break from your ass and you...What are you gonna take Duff next? you already ruined his home along with every other horror that came with it...what's so good about you anyway? what's so fucking good that people keep coming back, my mind wanders around you sometimes but I'm strong...I don't need you...nobody really needs you, piece of shit. People go through so much just for you...maybe now it's my turn to return to you after everything you've done, maybe I deserve it! maybe I don't if I don't deserve anyone in my life the least I deserve is this, I tied the tourniquet around my arm and bit the end...
No.
god I'm pathetic...what am I doing? Heroin? really? god come on...how miserable and helpless could I be to come close to letting this shit in my system again?! ugh...again. Makes me feel even for stupid that this isn't the first time...god what got into me? what's happening to me? My cheek heat up, my breath starts quickening...fuck. I fucking pathetic, you're pathetic Darcellyn.
I quickly rush to Duff and I's bedroom, and picked up the phone, as I waited for someone to pick up, I felt my body sink down into a black hole of fucking death, every insecurity, every paranoid thought, every emotion, every sight I've ever seen...yelling, screaming, rage, firms grips, sex, grunts, moans, love...everything good, everything bad, everything in between...just swirled around in an endless and overwhelming pit...
"Darcellyn?" I heard a voice through the phone one that made things settle within me but quickly brew up again not wanting to keep still. I couldn't speak, my body silenced me...or at least that's what it felt like, I can't even peep out a whimper at the moment. "hey..."he said, my eyes still stared blankly trying to echo every part of his voice to keep it in my head. My mouth is closed but my breathing is getting heavier...it wasn't the worst but it...it was sure coming close, shit what am I doing Duff is working right now..shit why am I bothering him..."Dar...you still with me?" he asked, I take a breath "mhm" is all I can slip out.
"alright, you're okay" he says in almost a cute chuckle, I can imagine the comforting smile on his face as he rubs my back "just listen to me alright?" he said I tried to remain calm, I nod to myself "Micheal" I mutter "yeah?", I look down at my red painted nails scratching each other...god I'm so fucking dumb. My breathing hitches. "it keeps happening" I say.
"what keeps happening babes?" he asks...oh god...a tear rolls down my eye, pathetic Darcellyn. "it was in my hand, I was contemplating it...barley. I wanted it...I-shit" I sniffle away from the phone gathering myself as I put it back to my ears, my legs shook aggressively as my hand tried to hold them down. "I almost took heroin again..." I said "and i-i I don't know why it keeps coming back and I don't know why it keeps finding it's way back to me...why everything is like this...and and I just...god it almost killed Nikki...I almost killed Nikki" I said my hands over my mouth to muffle sobs...
