***DUFF***
I knew exactly what was happening to her.
It made me feel like shit really, I didn't know what I can do to help. It had gotten even worse as the day got closer, her dreams got worse, her paranoia has sky rocketed and gotten to her when she was supposed to be her calmest. Though she wasn't with Nikki anymore, memories still remain...I would know.
I woke up, it was cold, I felt the breeze coming in, I looked to see the balcony doors open, the sheer curtain slowly flowing. Oh no.
There she sat, in a silver silk night gown the straps loosely falling off her shoulders, her hands in her face, she softly sobbed. I quickly got out of the bed, and went to her. Putting my hands on her shoulder. She softly sobbed, I fucking hate seeing her like this..., it was like-
--
my sister had warned me at lunch that the woman we had seen with my dad in my parents bedroom was there again today. I had my dose of numbing and escape for the day. I walked home smoking a cigarette, I was 12 years old.
I had my last one, I had pure fresh blooded anger pumping through my veins in my early years of becoming a teenager, I took my last cigarette and put it out on my dads car, fucking bastard...cheating on my mom...who does he think he is?
I went home and quickly went upstairs first, putting my book bag down and spraying random shit in the air to hide the smell of cigarettes that lingered on me.
I walked out, I took a peak into my parents room. Though it was only shadows, whoever was next to dad was sure as hell not mom, why would he do this? My parents loved each other. At least I thought they did...
I clenched my fist and took a breath. Go downstairs put on a smile.
I walked downstairs, and heard sobs. I has hesitated walking down once I heard her. ah shit. There she sat on the kitchen floor, in a floral top, her hands in her face trying to muffle her cries, I wanted to suck all of the air from my body and fall to the ground.
I went down to sit on the floor next to her. "mommy?"
Her crying eyes looked up at me, quickly swiping tears away and giving a fake but convincing smile, her eyes red, sniffled every minute. "oh Micheal" she smiled, holding me in her arms kissing my forehead, I held her tight. I wanted to cry too, but it was quickly waved over by the thought of my dad, my father, a strong or what I saw was a strong man, someone who loved his kids, loved our mom...made her feel this way...who the fuck can do that? How can a man make his girl feel like this?
She kissed my hair and stroked my cheek.
"oh sweetie have the kids in school been smoking around you? are they smoking dope around you too?" she asked, guilt quickly washed over me, my mouth was dry.
"no, mom it's fine" I smile, she probably knew but I don't want to make her feel any worse.
Our heads turned to the door, a long haired woman rushing out the door, the front door closed, I looked back at my mom, she quietly sighed, noticing my focused gaze on her, she put on a smile and kissed my cheek. "Micheal, be a dear and get a glass of water for your father okay?" My mouth opened, she looked at me.
"he doesn't give two shit's about us mom" I huffed "I'm not doing shit for him"
" watch your tone... just be a good boy, okay?" she tried to smile, I hesitantly nod at the woman in despair and agony. My mother. She is strong and alive...but she was crumbling to pieces.
--
"hey" I rub her shoulders and slid on my knees at her feet, she whimpers and sniffles. She was trembling. "I can't" she said. Her hands still cupped in her face a cigarette in between her fingers, I gently took it out and placed it on an ashtray we had sitting on the balcony.
"it's alright babe it's only a dream, I'm right here" I softly said holding her hands, I didn't want to ask if she had took her meds or not...I don't even know if they were helping. She softly sniffled. I felt weak and helpless. What am I doing? I wish I could cast a spell on her and just make her happy, if only life was so easy. "Darcellyn look at me" I rub her hands, she looks up, her lips parted, tiny droplets sliding down her face. oh. Her gleaming eyes. I brought her hands to my lips. I've never looked at someone with so much meaning but so little words. I licked my lips, and handed her the cigarette I had set on the tray, she sniffled and nodded. I handed it to her she let it naturally slip between her fingers. She inhaled as she looked down at it, she looked at me as she exhaled, desperation and helplessness in those tired heavy eyes, refusing to shut, I sigh. "wait here" I say.
I bring out some pillows and blankets, and lay them on the ground. "come" I tell her as she sits on the little area I have made, I sit down next to her and lay her down on my chest. "just look at the stars Dar" I say rubbing her shoulder, her hair laying on her back, perfect. Her breathing is slow, no more sniffles escaping her nose. "keep talking" she said, looking at the stars.
"what?"
"it's beautiful" she said, I cocked a brow "it helps a bit" she shifts and snuggles into me more, I smile. What was she saying? "my voice?" I cock my head. Her eyes look up to me and give a giggle. "mhm" she smiles. "well then miss Lee what should I talk about?" I smile lighting a cigarette."I don't know, a story or something" she smiles, "about what?" I ask, "anything and everything" she says, "I want to give you anything and everything" I rub her shoulder and kiss her. She smiles and sighs as her body relaxes a bit and she closes her eyes at an attempt to find some peace, as I look up at the vast wide spread of sparkles in the night, an entire world that Darcie had shown me. I look at every singe one as I talk, I got lost.
"Once upon a time..." I say with a chuckle, she squirms a bit and giggles into my chest. I look at her for a second and smile, I look back up and think, wait what's my story?
"once upon a time...there was a girl, a princess. Cliche I know, but she really is a princess. anyway... there's this little boy in a big ass city. He starts living life on the wild side at age 9, when his parents started fighting a lot...his dad cheated on his mom, he saw this family, his family that was once a big happy family, left in the dust by a man, my mom. He-...I went home everyday seeing my mom broken down in tears, at some point it was normal to see her in such a state. I was helpless. The little boy is and was deprived, full of anger, and fucking angst. I wasn't able to do much for my mom...or my family for that matter"
I look at her for a second sleeping on my chest "you actually remind me of her a lot. She has that extremely kind, soft, beautiful heart of yours. You remind me of dad too, which is terrible but it's oddly amazing when it's you. He was tough, smacked you into fucking reality, he was harsh but true. He was perfect before he started cheating. I feel like you give me something I never really had..." I exhaled, she's magic, the stars light up the whole damn sky? I look down at her, at peaceful chest heaving slowly, I smile and put out my cigarette. I lay down on the pillows slowly, trying not to move her. I give her a kiss and hold her close. I hope she didn't hear everything I said, I went off...embarrassing fucker. "I love you...too much" I whisper in her ear and kiss her again.
...
