Be The Bride

IKA-KAWHAA'G LIMA

DAY AFTER..

I cried the whole night. At nag-umaga nalang umiiyak pa rin ako. When I left him last night, I feel like I also left half of my life. I feel so empty and so lonely. Wala akong ganang gumalaw at bumangon.

Pero kailangan kong pumasok sa trabaho. I can’t leave work for another day.

I did my usual morning routine, at tapos lumabas na ako para pumasok sa trabaho.

Napahinto ako nung nakita ko si Ran na nakasandal sa kotse niya, waiting for me to arrive.

Nung nakita ko siya, biglang naiiyak na naman ako. I ran towards him at niyakap siya agad. And for the nth time, umiyak na naman ako.

He’s right. I always cry infront of him because of another guy. Lagi nalang. But there’s no one else I can cry on. Siya lang. Kay Randolf ko lang kayang magpakatotoo.

Hinagod niya ang likod ko, as if those can make the pain go away. As if it can ease the pain.

Ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit talaga.

Ako yung nang-iwan, ako yung nagdesisyon na ihinto ang lahat, but why am I hurting this much?

“Shh.. I’m here, I’m here..”

Iyak lang ako ng iyak habang yakap siya. And I never broke out from the embrace, because I feel like I’ll collapse kapag hindi niya ako hawak.

--

I don’t know, days passed again and I feel like I became numb. Parang hindi ko na alam pa’no ngumiti. And I can’t stop thinking na sobrang lapit na ng kasal nila. It’s making me nuts. Lalo pa’t alam na alam ko ang progress ng preparation. Everything is already perfectly prepared.

Kahit di ko sinasadya, hindi ako makangiti no matter how fun the conversation is.

Minsan nang hindi namamalayan, napapaluha ako bigla. I made myself busy kasi tuwing natutulala ako kahit isang segundo, naiisip ko si Khy.

I feel so empty.

At pinipilit ko nalang talaga ang sarili kong ngumiti sa harap ni Randolf. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I said I’ll forget Khy and focus on him. But here I am, getting depressed day by day because of the man I can never have.

Everyday, Khy would send me messages telling me to runaway. And it’s so tempting. He would call me all the time, at ang sarap sagutin ng mga tawag niya. I want to hear his voice. I want to see him. I want to touch him. I want to hear him breathe.

I blocked him so he won’t get through me anymore. I decided to make the sacrifice. At paninindigan ko ang desisyon ko kahit ang sakit.

“You should eat.”

Napatingin ako kay Ran. He prepared this meal, and I don’t even have the ounce of appetite. Nasa bahay niya kami but still wala akong ganang gumalaw.

“Wala akong gana,” I said.

“Nangangayayat ka na. Ilang araw ka ng ganyan. Please, eat.”

Tumango na lang ako.

Kumain ako kahit inaayawan ng dila ko ang kinakain ko. I am mentally ill. The sadness of forever losing Khy is eating me up.

“Do you love me Ran?”

“What? Of course. So much. Much more than you can imagine.”

Naghuhugas siya ng plato, nilapitan ko siya at niyakap mula sa likuran.

“Sleep with me.”

I felt his muscles stiffened at napatigil siya sa paghugas.

“D*mn, careful with your words Karen. Iba intindi ko dun.”

Hinawakan ko siya sa braso at hinarap sa akin.

“I meant what I said. Sleep with me.”

His eyes darkened.

“I’m taking you hom," he said trying to ignore my words.

I grabbed his neck and pulled his face and kiss him. Hard. He groaned and I pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. My hands traveled inside his shirt and I touch his chest. Hinubad ko ang shirt niya ang kissed him again. While still kissing me, inalis niya ang suot niyang washing gloves.

His kisses went to my neck. And then he kissed me again hard. My hands went to his belt. Nung natanggal ko ang pagkaka-kabit ng belt niya, hinawakan niya ako sa braso at inilayo sa kanya.

“Don’t do this," he said.

Natigilan ako.

As if on cue, bumuhos ang mga luha ko.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I am so numb. Gusto kong makaramdam ng kahit ano, aside from loneliness and pain. I want to feel something else.

“Ran..” I cried his name.

At niyakap niya ako.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you left him. I’m sorry," he said.

Can someone please save me?

I feel like I’m drowning in pain.