Experience Me

Chapter 31

Gone. Deceased. Passed away. No longer with us. Eternal rest. No matter how you phrase it, they all mean the same thing.

Death.

Pain is such a raw emotion; so unrefined and pure. It festers without mercy.

I haven't eaten in days. The tears had subsided; I couldn't cry anymore. Not even silent tears. My appetite was gone. I sit in my old room alone all day. The only time I move is to bathe and urinate. Distant relatives showed up to the funeral and stopped by the house to pay their respects. I wanted nothing to do with them. The service was beautiful, but I found no joy in what they called a "Celebration of Life."

Jade, Charlie, and Silas come in to check on me every day. They beg me to eat, especially Silas, but I refuse. Why should I eat when my mother can't? Why should I socialize when she can't? Why do I live and she doesn't? I would've taken her place. She was taken from me, from us, far too soon. This is life. So, what do we do? Accept it and move on? What else is there to do? Accept the fact that all of our days are numbered.

So today, a week after my mother's passing, a different person comes into my room. A slender woman dressed in a long white skirt and a rust colored bralette. Her almond-colored skin was shining and her plump lips were smiling at me. Her dreadlocks were an ash blonde. She had jewels and crystals all around her wrists and neck.

"Whats up, meatball?" She says with a smile.

"Nothing much, spaghetti." I respond.

Aunt Maya. I haven't seen her in years since she went on her spiritual journey. She was always so free-spirited. Being around her made me happy.

"Come here girl. Give your TT a hug." I get up and wraps my arms around her tiny waist. "Look at you, all grown up. When I last saw you, you were just my little chubby meatball." She squeezes my cheeks. I smile for the first time in awhile.

"I've missed you Auntie M."

"I've missed you too sweetheart, but your energy is all off. And you look like shit."

Wow, you can always count on Auntie M to give it to you straight.

"Come on. We've got to fix this." Grabbing my hand, she drags me by the window where the sun in hitting our skin and we sit on the floor.

"The sun will give us strength. Do you remember how I taught you meatball?" I nod and cross my leg. Straightening my spine, I rest my hand on my knees. I position my fingers into a mudra that signifies healing.

"Why do you choose healing?"

"The pain from losing mama. It's more than I can bear." She nods in understanding.

"I miss my sister too. Let's begin." We close our eyes. "Deep breaths meatball. Remember, in and out." I breathe.

"Think about what it is that's causing you pain and say it out loud."

I take a deep breath. "I lost my mom."

"Okay, let's go deeper than that. Why is it causing you pain?"

"Because I didn't want her to go." A single tear slid down my face.

"Deep breaths meatball. Why didn't you want her to go?"

I took a moment to breathe. "Because I love her and I want to spend more time with her."

"Do you regret not spending enough time with her?"

I sucked in a long breath as tears that I thought weren't there returned. "Yes." My voice cracked.

"It's okay Ariah. Just breathe. You can do it. We're getting to the cause of your pain."