Thousand Paper Cuts

Four : and all the things she wished for

Mark :

Everyone In childhood had learned that there are four seasons, and that they will always change. Summers won't last forever, because there will come a time when it will snow. The leaves won't fall forever in Autumn, because there is always spring promising new hope and beginnings.
But...what about his life?
Since that vulnerable day, his life kept on repeating itself like some song you love. But his life wasn't a song, rather just a vain melody, that never promised meaningful lyrics.

                               .........
On the day when they had sat together in grade four for the first time, right after the day they had met, Lucas asked him,
"So if we're going to be friends, tell me about yourself."
Mark had shifted uncomfortably on his seat because he wasn't really good at making friends, and said,
"I don't know much about anything. I just know alot of books and biographies of people, but this doesn't mean I'm good at saying something for myself."
Lucas had smiled so flawlessly and replied,
"That's fine, because I already like you. Damn, we're gonna be such great friends. I know this since the moment you said you love Stardust."
"And what do you know?" Mark asked with a gleam in his eyes.
"I know secrets of the whole universe."
Mark looked outside the class at the sun, and said,
"So tell me something good."
Lucas had sighed, as If he was trying to pull things together, and spoke,
"I know that people will love you, but it's also true that at some point, everybody leaves. It's just how things work, you know? Like, I've always thought that we all are butterflies, and will live just three summer days, yet nothing lasts forever in these numbered days."
Mark had narrowed his eyes, and was amazed that he had finally met someone who understood him, someome who'd talk real with you. It wasn't like other people didn't like him. Everybody in their school, specifically girls were always longing to talk to him. Maybe it was because of the way he looked, and so it really annoyed him, because pretty face isn't a good reason to like someone.
But Lucas knew the truth, and Mark felt known for the first time.
He had looked over at Lucas, and he still wasn't finished telling him secrets, as he said,
"Just like Gandhi had said : whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's important that you do it. So the same way I believe that whatever happens, we must do things that matter in the moment, and as long as I'm here in this world, I just want to live, not exist."

                               .........

It was once again deep night, and he just woke up from a nightmare, shrieking and breaking fragile things. His life wasn't supposed to be dragging him down, he wasn't supposed to fall this briskly. He didn't belong in this convoluted, gloomy and extraterrestrial life. Just as the song went :

You don't have a reason to be this way/ it's just that you don't belong anywhere

And all his sophisticated nightmares revolved around that graduation day, and precisely the moment when he saw Lucas hanged. He hated him for leaving Mark like this : bleeding until he couldn't anymore.

He was just happily living his best life in the best of neighbourhood with his dad in central New York, until all of the sudden he had to leave his dad only to live in solitary mansion away from everyone. As if living alone could extricate himself.

How could someone show you the whole world and then just die?
You just can't leave everyone and everything behind, as if they didn't matter.
They were happy before, until a single step let go of everything. Seven years of friendship, leaving the tragedy in couple of seconds.
Just like every year on Shrove Tuesday, they would eat all the pancakes they ever wanted to eat, because they knew that "lent" was near and they had to enjoy their best before the time comes. The same way they both were invincible, until there wasn't any reason to be happy.
Even his New Year of 1998, that was few days ago, was spent in loneliness and eternal pain.