Warrior - The Weeping Monk

Part 24

She didnt cry. Not a single tear fell from her pale, soft face. She was emotionless on the outside, but on the inside it was like a whole storm was brewing inside of her, a storm like the one that was raging over Britannia at that very point in time. She felt lost. She felt broken and she felt betrayed. She blamed herself for letting someone get close to her again, she was a messed up person and everyone especially herself knew that. She was insane for thinking that someone would actually stay with her even after seeing the person she truly was. The monster she thought herself to be, she had blood on her hands from thousands of people and the soul of everyman she had killed screaming at her from behind her shoulders. She had demons chasing after her and everytime she thought she was losing them they were just gaining speed

Her hair whipped around like a sail in the wind and the cool air tore at her skin, giving her goosebumps. Adira pushes her way through the forest and ran as fast as her short yet muscley legs would take her, the adrenaline that pumped through her made her feel free, it made her feel unstopable but of course nothing good could subside the pain that shook its way through her broken heart. She stopped running, her legs felt 50 times heavier than they did when she was running and she collapsed, she rested her back against the trunk of a large tree and let out a sigh, she turned her head up towards the sky and closed her eyes, feeling at a slight peace as the water hammored against her face. It gave her a sense of comfort when all she really wanted to do was die. 

She had lost hope, Allison hated her and she couldn't even tell Lancelot who she was and if she did he would hate her for what she did, the sin that she has bared for 9 years. She mentally cursed herself over and over for being so stupid, stupid for letting someone else in. Every person she had let in wouldn't stay with her for long. She didn't belong. She had no true purpose, she felt like a puppet. Or a character in a tale. A tale of a broken girl who did not deserve to be loved. A girl who did nothing but cause pain to others. A girl who deserved nothing but absolute loneliness. She hated herself, and so did everyone else.

"Stupid Stupid girl" Adira cursed angrily and she looked back down at the ground, the soil was wet and beginning to flood and then she came to the realisation of the storm. The thunder was her anger, the anger that she had bottled up for so long but just wanted to let out, the anger that fueled her in her battles, the anger that helped her survive. It was her anger that made her stronger though it was also one of her greatest weaknesses. 

The lightning was her fear, showing up continuously, when it stops you think the fear is over but then there it flashes again before her, it was the fear that she constantly felt, the fear of failure, failure that she cannont protect those who couldn't protect themselves, it was her fear of emotional vulnerability, the fear that was the reason she kept to herself so often and didn't let anyone know what she was feeling, she shut them out and didn't let them see the real her, the scared little girl who wanted nothing but for someone to care for her and the fear of loss of control, what would happen if she lost control, if her powers went completely out of hand like they were right now, her emotions led to people getting hurt.

The dark clouds were her loneliness, her isolation from others and her way of not being able to connect with a single person around them, she shut them out, she was disconnected. She wanted to belong, though she knew that she didn't she wanted someone to connect with but she was different. She wasn't like the other fey, she didn't have family, she wasn't kind, she wasn't social and she definitely wasn't the ideal person to hang around with.

And the rain, the rain represented her tears. It was her sadness the emotion she felt the most but also hid the most because tears came from the heart, not from the brain and many believed that the weeping warrior had no heart, that she just acted on pure instinct and it didn't take long for Adira to believe that to, and she didn't want to think otherwise so she built a wall, a wall to keep out things that would make her sad and she kept that wall up even though it also kept out things that made her happy. Everyone walks around with a certain kind of sadness and while most wear it on their sleeve, with the rare few you have to look deeper, beyond the surface, beyond the hard exterior and deep into their eyes, and then you will truly be able to see that the ones that hide their sadness are generally the ones who feel the most sadness. 

Adira pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on her knee caps as she sat silently in the rain and she felt like she no longer existed, like she never even existed in the first place. She shook harshley as the cool rain soaked through her clothes her her teeth chattered together. But she didn't care... she no longer cared about what happened to her, she was no warrior, she was a young girl who knew nothin in the body of a woman who wore clothes, as dark as her soul and eyes that were cold and held all of the pain in the world within them. She was weak and she was tired of being weak

"Well fancy seeing you here"