Aphrodite's Flame

43.

Another week before Adonis comes back. I'm getting restless. It's been a while since I last saw him and I don't know what it will be like between us. I still haven't decided whether or not I should tell him I'm married now. Happily married, even.

While Hephaestus is quietly slaving away in his workshop, I spend my idle hours on top of the mountain. Zeus has not made one move toward me, neither should he. It's the sacred laws amongst divine kind. Sure, mortal marriage does not mean anything to us - but marriage between gods, that's something else entirely. An eternity together... It's not a bond made lightly.

Here I am, thinking mortal Adonis is my only problem, when Ares comes up to me. I don't get up from the marble bench as he thuds down next to me. For a minute we're both silent. It's been months since we last spoke and there's a lot to talk about. So much, we don't know where to start.

'How have you been?' he asks me, his voice rough. He turns toward me and while I mimic the movement, I don't open up toward him, I don't invite him to touch me.

'I've been good,' I smile. 

'Have you, though?' he presses, 'I heard things-' I cut him off by lifting my hand.

'I have. Hephaestus is kind and generous.' He shakes his head, not believing what he hears.

'He's not. That limp is a two-faced snake.'

'I'm sorry,' I again interrupt his train of thought, 'is there a reason for you to come up to me like this? Please, if there's anything you have to say, say it now.'

'Did you know he had relations with all three Graces? He particularly has a weak spot for Aglaea.' He takes a deep breath. 'He may seem like a nice guy, but he isn't honest, Di.' It's been a long time since someone called me Di.

'I think all of us have our history since all of us have been around for an eternity,' I say sharply. 'I wasn't exactly pure when I got married to him.' Ares lets his head hang.

'This was never intended to happen the way it did. It was supposed to be me. It is going to be me, Di.' 

'Yes, it's always been you, but not anymore.' He shakes his head and lets out a nervous little laugh. Very carefully he lifts his hand and tucks my hair behind my ear. I don't move, I don't give in but I don't tell him off either.

'He's going to show you exactly what he is and then you'll come to me. And I'll be waiting for you, Di. I always have.' It's hard to say no to him. He is a force of habit in my existence. Thousands of years have I known him, really known him. He used to be my dearest friend, he did stupid things but never with ill intent, although sometimes selfish.

'It'll be okay,' I assure him. 'You won't need to.' And that's also the moment I have to get up. 'I should go to my husband.'

'Hey Di,' Ares says before I walk away. I turn around with a smile plastered on my face. 'I love you.' The same smile remains where it is, but my movements are a little stiff. I know he loves me, I always knew. I can't blame him. But I can't tell him I love him back.

That evening Hephaestus is quieter than normally. He barely touches his food and nectar. I don't dare asking him what's the matter, because I know he can see it.

'He told you he loved you,' Hephaestus says after more than an hour of heavy, toxic silence. It's the first time he looks straight at me. I feel sick to my stomach. It's no use playing dumb, not with him. Quietly I look at him and the deep, dark glow of his flame. I worry about him.

'He has.'

'I can tell by the way your flame…' he doesn't finish the sentence. I want to scream at him, I wish I could see it for myself. What does he see?! How do I feel, really feel?!

'What?'

'You're content, satisfied. Also discomforted and hurt. Uneasy with me. You can go to him if you want.' Those final words break my heart a little. It's that easy? Is he enjoying the time we have until my fickle mind removes me from his life? I thought he had a higher opinion of me. But I can see his heart break, too, so I don't lash out.

'I don't, though.' I hope everything about me shows the sincerity I meant. His flame colours a deep purple. It's still small, but a little more at ease.

'What colour is my flame?' I ask him. He doesn't even look up. Until now I had a naive hope that he knew I could see his as well.

'Right now it's a light purple.'

'What does that mean?' He looks at me.

'The hotter a flame the stronger it is, the more destructive. A flame goes from red to orange to yellow to green to magenta to purple to blue to white. Fire is rarely white.'

'So it's a bad thing, then?' I ponder.

'No, it's a strength thing. You know coals that glow but don't light up - they're like little souls that are present but not really alive. It's confidence and personality and strength. Right now you're feeling secure enough with me to shine a light purple fire. It's flattering, really.'

'So - does the flame depend on the person someone is with?' He looks at the fire licking at the logs.

'When you're with Zeus it is orange to yellow, depending on how angry he makes you.' I dare not ask him what it looks like when I'm with Ares. I wish I dared to look inside hard enough to recognise my own flame. Now I understand why the flames of gods are more blinding than those of mortals.

I grab his hands over the table and squeeze them tight.

'I'm not going anywhere. Promise.' And for the first time it's not the dance of his flame that makes me happy, it's the lighting up, the adding of oxygen and power. If he lets me I'd do anything in my power to make his flame the brightest, most powerful I have ever seen.