Autumn Angel | JHS ✔

.eight.

I wake up to the sound of my alarm and reach over to turn it off. Instead of getting up, I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for a few minutes, needing a moment to turn on my brain. Finally, I force myself out of bed and head straight to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. My movements are sluggish, still influenced by a half-awake Autumn. When I'm finally finished with my morning routine, I pad out into the living space, tugging at the braid I always sleep in and shaking my head to let the strands loose. 

When I lift my eyes, Hoseok is busy doing something in the kitchen and I jump in surprise. "Hobi. You're still here?" 

He turns around. "Angel. Good morning. Do you prefer tea or coffee?" 

"I'll take tea," I answer, joining him in the kitchen space. 

He nods and starts to open drawers, looking for the location of tea bags. I lean against the wall and cross my arms, trying to hold back a laugh. Finally, he turns to me sheepishly. "Um, where are the tea bags?" 

I laugh. "You can sit down, Hobi. I'll make us breakfast." 

"No, I want to help." 

I smile as I step deeper into the space. "It's fine. Just take a seat. This space is too small for two people anyway." I don't receive a response. "Hobi?" 

When I turn to look at him, I know why. His eyes are fixated on my upper thighs. Shorts. I was wearing shorts. I had completely forgotten about my scars, no doubt accompanied by their newest friends that had joined them last night. Most of the scars are hidden higher up on my hips and inner thighs, but enough peek out beneath the bottom of my shorts. Hoseok's eyes lift to meet mine, full of empathy and concern. 

I sigh and reach up to rub my ear. "Is some tea just fine for now? I kind of lost my appetite." 

He nods and I fill the kettle with water before turning on the stove and heating it up. Soon, I place two tea bags into cups and fill them with water. Hoseok is sitting on the ground in front of the coffee table, staring into space. I walk over and place the two steaming cups on the hard surface before taking a seat next to him. We sit in silence for a few moments, unsure of what to say or how to break this tension. 

"Angel-" 

"I want to talk about it." 

We speak at the same time and I give a humorless smile. 

"Okay," he says. "I'm here to listen." 

I curl my legs closer to my chest and rest the cup on my knees. "I-" I take in a deep breath and give a shaky laugh. "I don't even know where to begin." Or how much to even share.

Hoseok waits patiently, sipping his own cup of tea. 

"I've never opened up about this," I say quietly. 

"You don't have to," Hoseok says. "Not to me at least. But it makes me uncomfortable knowing you suffer through this all alone. I don't want you to feel like you're alone in this. There are people in your life that are willing to support you and listen. You just have to let them in." 

"I want to," I whisper. "But any thought of it makes me feel so disgusting. Worthless. I'm afraid other people will see me the same way." 

Hoseok sighs. "I'm sure you know that I'm here no matter what, regardless of whether I say it out loud or not. I know it's hard to talk about, but keeping it inside is worse. Seeking out help is one the largest signs of strength." 

I set down my tea and scoot over to huddle into Hoseok's side, knowing I'm going to need the comforting presence of the only male that I'm okay with touching me. He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me in closer, rubbing a hand up and down my arm.