Autumn Angel | JHS ✔

.forty-six.

I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe we're here. 

"I can't believe this is happening," Aria breathes as someone leads us to the two chairs with our names attached to them. 

The crowd is loud, lights are shining down from every angle, and music is blasting in the background. Around me, artists are already seated, and I try to not stare as I spot a couple of singers I had idolized while growing up. Looking at the complicated dresses and outfits other presenters and performers are wearing, I feel out of place with my simple black dress and jeweled sandals, but I'm at least grateful I won't have to suffer the next few hours in heels. When I look over and spot the name printed on the paper taped to the chair beside me, my eyes widen. 

"Aria," I say, tugging her arm. 

She looks beautiful, her dress almost as minimalistic as mine, but her hair and jewelry adding pops and accents of confidence and exoticsm. It was a perfect image of modesty and boldness. 

"What is it?" she looks in the direction I'm pointing and her mouth opens in a small "o" when she reads the name on the paper. 

"You didn't tell me they were coming to the award show," I say over the music. 

"I didn't know," she says, her eyes wide. 

I run a hand through my hair, unsure of what I was going to do or how I would act. When Aria had invited me to come as her guest, I had immediately accepted, excited at the opportunity to meet so many great artists. However, I was unaware that the group of great artists included a band that I never thought I would see again. 

"Maybe they won't show up?" 

Aria laughs. "You're funny, Autumn." 

But as time continues to pass, more people fill into the venue, the seven members still haven't come, and I find the hope in me continuing to grow. When almost every artist has taken their seats and the producers are getting ready to start, I'm relaxed and positive. Maybe they were trying to make a statement. That sounded like them. 

But suddenly, I grow deaf from the loud screams of the rows of fans behind me. The cheering is so loud I almost move to cover my ears, but know better to do that with so many cameras from every angle. Considering how the public knew of the relationship status by now, I would be watched more than ever, especially since they would be seated right next to me. Seven attractive men walk into view, smiles on their faces and hands waving to the crowds. I keep my head down as they walk closer and Aria takes my hand, squeezing it in reassurance. 

When a hand touches my shoulder, I'm almost scared to look up. But when I do, I'm not disappointed. Almost immediately, I jump up onto my feet and stand on my toes to reach up and hug Namjoon. 

"Noona," he says with a chuckle, "I didn't know you would be here today." 

"I could say the same for you, Idiot." 

We break away, both of us knowing that too long of a hug would seem suspicious, although the embrace feels too short. I force myself to keep my gaze on Namjoon as he takes the seat beside me and not allow my eyes to wander to look at the other members of the group. 

"How long has it been? Six months?" 

My fingers pop up as I count and do the math. "I left Korea eight months ago." 

Just as I finish speaking, the crowd cheers again and I jump from the sudden increase in sound. Namjoon and I look around, searching for the source of excitement, until my eyes land on a Jimin swaying back and forth while making a heart with his arms. Namjoon and I both shake our heads at such an expected gesture coming from him. 

Right before I turn my attention away, my eyes lock with his, and we're left frozen for half a second before turning away. Even though it was brief, the moment is etched into my mind and it continues to replay behind my eyes. The first few months, I hadn't contacted him because I was getting busier with my new life, and after that, our relationship had turned awkward. I couldn't bring myself to reach out to him, and even if I did, I'm sure he would have been occupied with his busy schedule. 

"I wish we could catch up after the award show." I look over at Namjoon and give him a smile. "But you're going to be all cool and not attend the after party." 

A row of teeth flash down at me. "Perhaps." 

"It's fine. I'm sure an opportunity will arise." Although both of us knew how fallible that prediction was. "How many phones do you think are recording us right now?" I ask, leaning in to shout over the music and the combined conversations of the crowd. 

Namjoon laughs and lifts his hand to cover his mouth. "I was keeping up with your channel and social media platforms actually. It looked like you grew quite a name for yourself." 

I give a shy smile a nod. After being in a more stable mental state, I had cautiously returned to my social media platforms and it was now one of my main sources of income. The career gave me plenty of money to provide for myself, and the excess cash had been used to start a fundraiser helping kids in poverty with access to education. "I'm used to the attention by now, and I learned to look at everything in a much more positive view." Instead of looking at my life of fame as restricting, my therapist had helped me instead focus on the positives and use those to my advantage. 

A hand taps my shoulder and I turn around to look at Aria whose eyes are wide. "They're all so attractive," she says, amazed and in awe. 

I laugh. "No, Aria. I am not going to set you up with one of them." 

She pouts. "Please? I won't make fun of you for an entire day." 

I tilt my head. That was a serious bargain. "No," I say firmly. 

Aria crosses her arms and looks away. "You're moving out." 

"I literally am helping pay for that house, Idiot. I am not moving out." 

She rolls her eyes. "Whatever." 

I finally crack a smile and pat her leg before turning back to Namjoon to ask the question that has been begging to be released. "How is he?" 

Namjoon looks over at Hoseok and then back to me. "He's okay now. The first few weeks were hard, but he's moved on. We're all doing well." 

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "That's good." 

Namjoon gives me a knowing look. "You still care for him." 

"Of course I do," I say in a bored tone. "Who in their right mind wouldn't? He did nothing wrong and has only shown me support." 

Namjoon shakes his head. "Do you still love him?" 

I rub my ear. "I will always love him. He will always hold a special part of my heart and I will always care for him. But in that way? Not at the moment, no. I've moved on, and if we end up working out in the future, that's great. If not, I'm happy to live my life alone as well, or whoever I end up with."

It was another part of the healing process. I had recognized that Hoseok had grown to be a source of happiness I was relying on. I needed to learn how to be happy without him and figure out myself first. 

The men surrounding us have caught my attention in the beginning of the conversation, but as I look around, I notice that they stay specifically in our area. "Who are these people?" I ask, referring to the men in suits. There had to be at least fifteen.

"Ah, our company hires extra security for American award shows because fans can sometimes get a little too excited and overwhelm us during commercial breaks. It's just a further step we take for safety."

I nod and right then, the lights above us dim and the crowd cheers. Before that though, Hoseok and I lock eyes one more time before looking away.

//

The thing with the whole security thing at awards shows is real, based off a video I saw online, where someone talks about their experience as a staff member behind an award show. If anyone is interested in the link, I can send it to you. It's really interesting.