Catharsis

*1*

"Hana... What is so damn special about this girl that all my friends seem to be interested in her?" I kept staring at this girl that everyone seemed to love, but I couldn't really understand why. She was really popular, even among girls. Well, that wasn't difficult as I was the only male student in an all girls class. I must have sinned really bad in a different life to have so much misfortune in this life. I mean normally any guy would be really happy being in my shoes, but not me. I couldn't be any sadder.

My name is Hoseok and I am 17 years old. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate girls. I just couldn't be bothered. All I want is the class to end soon so I can meet my friends. My dear best friends. But they were annoying me a little bit at the moment, showering me with questions about this girl, Hana, saying I am really lucky to be in the same class with her, when all I ever wanted was to stay as far away as possible.

So I stare at her for 3 main reasons: first, because my friends ask me to keep an eye on her and find out as much information as possible about her so they have a better chance at dating her; second, because I really don't get it why people are so obsessed with her, she looks like a normal girl to me; and third, to not die of boredom.

I really don't want my friends to argue because of some girl that will likely break their hearts in the end. What we have is too special, I just die at the thought of us falling apart because of such a stupid reason. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize the last class has ended and people were getting ready to leave.

"Hoseok" a voice next to me snapped me out of my thoughts. "You really need to get your shit together". I looked up shocked at those blunt words. "If you like Hana so much just do something about it, all you do is stare at her!" the girl next to me rolled her eyes while grabbing her backpack and then leaving the classroom.

"Wait!" I suddenly said and jumped out of my seat, grabbing my stuff, when she wouldn't stop moving. The thought of me being interested in Hana just turned my stomach upside down. But I guess it made sense considering her reputation. What other reason would I have to stare so much at her as a boy? I followed her into the hallway, almost losing her among the crowd of students rushing out of the building "That's not what it is, I don't like her, it's the exact opposite!" I shouted loud enough for her to actually stop and turn.

She turned to me "You're a weirdo then!" and she giggled. What is wrong with this girl, so straight forward that it's annoying! I had no idea what her name was although we've been classmates for about a year. I didn't care about any of my classmates, I didn't chat with them or try to befriend them.

"I am not a weirdo" I defended myself. "I am doing that for my friends actually"

"Staring at a girl for your friends? You really are a weirdo!" she laughed properly this time. I was getting more annoyed. She turned around and continued walking as if she never offended me. I continued following her until we exited the building and we were in the school yard, almost at the gates.

I wanted to say something but before I could, I heard her voice again: "I'm sorry I called you a weirdo when I don't really know you, Hoseok..." she slowed down and now we were both walking side by side. I was surprised by her apologizing. She continued: "It's just that what you said made no sense. Pretty much all the boys in the world have a thing for Hana so I just assumed you are one of them. I am sorry. It's just that you always stare at her, I just wanted to encourage you to confess!" she smiled back at me.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Cupid, but I am not interested in your offer!" We both giggled. "I just can't see what's so great about her!" I continued and I glanced at the girl next to me to see her reaction. She stopped smiling and just looked shocked at my confession. "Maybe I am gay" I said not giving it too much thought. But the next second I stopped walking, looking at her from behind as she kept going forward. Why did I say that? That's not something to joke with a complete stranger. I suddenly felt really embarrassed and was trying to find a way to twist my words somehow.

"I think you really are, to be honest" she said with a brute honesty, leaving me in completely shock.

"W-Why do you think that?" I managed to mutter and that's when she realized my voice was really distant and turned back to face me.

"Because you're always with your "boy" friends. And it's the only time I ever see you smiling and being genuinely happy" she replied coming towards me. "We've been class mates for a while now and you barely speak or spend time with any of us. You're either with them, on your phone or staring at Hana. I was really worried at first, you looked sad and alone all the time, I tried to talk to you a couple of times, but you just ignored me." She stopped right in front of me. "But then I've noticed how different you look when you are with your friends, it's like you are a completely different person!" her voice cracked a little bit as she emphasized the last words. "Plus your friends are hot as hell, so that's a bonus!" She continued giggling.

She knew about my friends? How? They were studying in different buildings. Was she following me? As if she read my mind she added: "Don't worry, I am not stalking you! My best friend is in the same class as Namjoon, so every time I go to meet her I saw you guys together. And damn, those are some friendship goals!" I smiled at her last comment.

"I-I'm sorry, I don't remember your name" I said stumbling over my words and looking at the ground afraid to see her reaction. I could hear a long sigh and I couldn't help not to look up at her face.

"Hoseok" She said in a soft voice, "It's fine, you don't have to look so upset about it!" Then she smiled gently back at me. "It's Ha-Neul. My name is Ha-Neul. I am sorry if I was a bit too harsh on you today, I was just being fed up not knowing what's wrong with you" she spoke gently, then turned her back to me, getting ready to leave, but her head was still looking in my direction. "I am happy to know you are ok and not being depressed over Hana. And I am glad I finally managed to have a proper conversation with you! I'll see you tomorrow in class!" She waved goodbye giving me a huge smile.

I just waved back at her and stood there speechless. Why was she worried about me? My mouth opened instinctively and murmured her name, "Ha-Neul", but she was already too far to hear. What would I say anyways? I was indeed struggling with depression, but it had nothing to do with Hana. But she didn't have to know, it's none of her business and I wouldn't want to drag anyone down with me. The way I am with my friends is how I used to be. I don't want them to be worried so I keep my mask on. The way I am in class is how I really feel now.

Sad and alone. 

My only happiness is my friends and dancing.