Catharsis

*34*

A few days later, after a constant war with my own self, I managed to put myself together and start anew, just in time for the training period at BigHit. My ankle was completely healed and I have never been more excited to go back to dancing again. 

We had to practice even harder than before if we wanted to debut as an idol group. Luckily, me and the guys knew each other for a long time so our team had no flaws and it was well locked together. We were already really talented artists and performers. But there is always room for improvement. 

So that was my priority now, work hard and debut as soon as possible. Most of my time and effort was poured into that. I clung to the idea that maybe becoming successful would bring happiness as well. It would mean I would meet plenty of people so chances are higher to find that special one. 

I was an affectionate person that wanted to give and receive love. So I stopped refusing myself a relationship. I didn't feel comfortable being single. But my mentality changed. I wasn't looking for love to save me from my misery anymore. I decided I can do that myself. I just wanted to feel something after I've erased all my feelings for Ha-Neul. 

I could open my heart again because I finally accepted who I was and I was genuinely fond of my own person. Things fell into place when I realized what I used to think about myself has proved wrong. I was talented, otherwise I wouldn't have been almost debuting as an idol. I was good looking, a lot of girls were swarming around me and I stopped believing it's only because of my rising popularity. And most important of all, I was a pleasant person with a nice personality, I had more friends now and they all cared for me. I wasn't living in a fake world anymore once I let love in and learned I am good enough. I've always been, I just wasted time until now. 

Life shared with me a piece of light after a long long time and I actually met someone meaningful during the training period. Another trainee who loved dancing as much as I do. Her name was Byeol. She was younger than me, but mature at the same time. She reminded me a lot of Jungkook. They also shared the bunny smile. There was no way you couldn't like her, she was sweet, kind, attractive, confident, but most important we had a lot of things in common. So things between us escalated quickly and effortless. 

Things were also going well for all of my close friends. Jimin and Hana were never away from each other, she came all the time to support him during practice. They were stuck like glue, the perfect couple. Cho was doing the same, but not as often as she was busy studying to become a doctor. But she and Namjoon were still love birds and there were no rain clouds on their sky. 

Jin was the same as always, surrounded by plenty of attention from girls, but he decided to stay single, as he was practicing hard during his free time. I think if he would have a girlfriend he would like to give her his full attention, which was difficult at the moment. Yoongi couldn't be bothered with a relationship as he was too focused on composing music and he was always more like a lonely wolf.

Jungkook was too young and cool for love. His only interest except music and dance was playing games and practicing all sorts of sports. He was into boxing these days and sometimes I ended up being his punching bag, but I couldn't stay mad at him. 

I didn't know much about Tae's relationship. He avoided to talk about it in my presence, likely because of a deal he made with Ha-Neul. He looked happy, so I assumed everything was going well. And then there was me, finally shining like the sunshine I was. We were all happy and laughing, enjoying life. It was so sweet at the moment, too sweet to be real. But surprisingly it was. 

There were moments when my mind drifted away to the past days. Ha-Neul would still pop up in my mind sometimes. I made peace with the idea I can't ever forget her, she means too much to me. She was actually the reason and cause I ended up in this present and being my current version. There were moments when I missed her voice, her smile or her touch, but Byeol was quite good at keeping me distracted. 

I made a shameful mistake once and called her Ha-Neul instead of her name,  but she just smiled and ruffled my hair. "You must have so much love to give, I am so lucky you chose me" she said, as if she guessed I gathered it and kept it safe for someone special, but never had the chance to offer it. I don't think she ever made the connection that it might be Tae's girlfriend. 

I didn't really open up about my past, as I wanted to leave it behind. So no mentioning about being depressed or suicidal. It wouldn't do our relationship any favour. It has nothing to do with her. That's the old me that I refuse to acknowledge.

It's been weeks since that day at the beach. But my hands still had the memory of Ha-Neul's soft skin. They touched someone else's body so many times in the meantime, but I remembered everything clearly. The scent, every flinch, every shiver, every little movement.

It was one of those long days when I couldn't go home until every dance move was perfect and I was fully satisfied. Tae felt the same, so we both stayed until late to practice more. And that's when it happened. That's when I've seen Ha-Neul for the first time in too long.

Luckily I just took a toilet break at the right moment. And to keep my promise I stayed out of the room, just peeking through the window. Tae looked surprised to see her and you could read on his face he was hoping I'm not coming back to the practice room any time soon. 

"You know you can practice at home as well, right?" she scolded him, offering him a box that probably had some food in it.

"I know, but I don't want to disturb you, it's late and you need to rest." he reasoned.

"I can't do that anyways if you don't tell me where you are" she pouted.

"I am always here... This is a huge part of my life now and I want to do it properly" he stated.

"I know and I support you, but please, stop worrying me!" she pleaded.

"I am sorry, I was so focused on practicing that I completely forgot to text you!" Tae sighed, pulling her in an embrace and kissing her neck several times.

"You're tickling me, Tae, stop it!" she giggled, trying to get him off her.

So they were doing well. It was good news and it made me mellow on the inside. But something about her looked different. She didn't look the way I remembered her. I couldn't decide if it's because I see her in a different light or if she changed. 

"Can I watch you dance?" she asked "I never had the chance to see you practice in here before. And these mirrors would give me a full 4D image of you so I can enjoy your every perfect side and angle!" she asked enthusiastically. 

I watched Tae starting to nod his head happily, but then stop suddenly. He remembered he was not alone and it was dangerous for me and Ha-Neul to meet, so it was best to refuse. Fortunately I had my phone with me and thinking that me showing up would upset both of them, I sent him a text to let him know I decided to go home first.

As he was reading it, he looked through the window as if he knew I was there, watching them. I would never leave without saying goodbye. But rather than getting angry, he smiled, thanking me without words. Then he played the song and started dancing to Ha-Neul's delight.

I grabbed my stuff from the lockers and headed out of the building. It was dark already. Her image was embedded in my mind and I couldn't brush it off. I was trying hard to replace it with Byeol's smiling face. I genuinely cared about her. But who was I fooling all this time? I still loved Ha-Neul. One second was enough to force out all the emotions hidden deep within. 

But surprisingly I didn't feel that tormented. I loved Ha-Neul, but gradually I will start to love Byeol and slowly, slowly she will take over my heart. I just have to be patient. I don't have to freak out. I can't be the only guy in the world that has feelings for two girls at the same time.

I smiled at the confirmation that her and Tae have no issues and that she looked happy. I walked under a starry sky, trying to remain as peaceful as the night and blend in. But I couldn't stop myself from wondering if she still thinks about me sometimes...