Catharsis

*37*

***Ha-Neul POV***

After school started Tae barely had time for me. We were studying in different buildings so I struggled to see him during the day. Then he would be busy with practice the rest of his time.

It hurt, but I didn't let it bother me too much. I wanted the best for him and utmost happiness. I can't be selfish, not after he's done so much for me. 

It was Friday evening and I decided to surprise him and show my appreciation for his hard work. I bought all the ingredients for his favourite hamburger and I put all my love and effort to make it tasty even though I couldn't taste it.

His mum was kind enough to let me use the kitchen and keep it a secret from him. When he got home it was past midnight and I fell asleep on the sofa, waiting for his arrival. He turned on the lights, not expecting any visitors and took his shoes off. I woke up with the bright light blinding me. 

"Hey..." I said with a tired voice, rubbing my eyes to see him better and he looked surprised to see me.

"Why are you here?" he asked as if it was a bad thing.

"I wanted to surprise you. I thought you would be happy to see me!" I whined.

"I am, sorry!" he said with an exhausted voice, flopping on the sofa at my side. "It's just that it's really late, you shouldn't wait for me at this hour..."

"But I wanted to! And I have something for you!" I rushed to the kitchen and brought my masterpiece. "Ta-daa!"

"Wow! Is that for me? Did you make it?" Tae asked enthusiastically, looking a bit more energetic. "It's a real one, with meat! I can't believe you did that for me!" he flashed his boxy smile.

"I hope you will like it" I smiled and ruffled his hair. I watched him taking a big bite and I noticed his eyes getting teary.

"Is it that awful?" I sighed.

"No, I am..." I gave him a doubtful look.

He put the hamburger on the side and moved his body to face me, taking my hands in his. Then he spoke the most heartbreaking words.

"Ha-Neul, let's break up..."

"W-what? Why?" I asked completely shocked.

"I've treated you so cold lately. You don't deserve this. I am going to become an idol and then we would struggle to be together."

"Why? Are you ashamed of me? Or did you find someone better?" I cried out.

He didn't say anything, just kept his head held down, avoiding to give me an answer. "Fuck it, Tae, tell me the truth, don't try to stay silent so I can blame it on you! It won't help me get better!" I raged.

"Fine, neither..." he sighed.

"Then why? I love you and you love me. We are soulmates. We are happy. Where is the issue?" I tried to reason.

"No, I am the only one who is happy. I can have you whenever I want to, but you don't. I have no time for you, but you give me all of your attention. We can't live like that. I can't make you happy anymore. And it kills me. You need all the love in the world and I can't make you my prisoner! I need to release you from my grip so you can soar in the sky. I am weighing you down right now."

"Shouldn't it be me the one to decide? I want to stay by your side, even if it isn't going to be easy!" I revolted.

"I can't allow you that, I am sorry... It's not something that will get better in a few weeks or a couple of months, it will be permanent. You can't sacrifice your happiness like that." he sighed.

"You are the reason for my happiness, I am who I am today thanks to your love. You can't do that to me, I will die of sadness!" I pleaded.

"You will, but then you will get better. At least you won't slowly fade away next to my side."

"Please, Tae, reconsider it... Does it not kill you on the inside? Let's fight together, don't give up! I don't want to let you go!" I burst again.

"Do you think I am happy about it? I gave it a lot of thought. Even if you can't see it now, you will understand later that I had to do it for your own good. Because I love you so much, I have to let you go."

"Fuck you and all your bullshit!" I ended up in tears. "You don't love me at all, you just chose the easiest route by trampling on my heart! If you really loved me, you would have found a solution instead of pushing me away! Thanks for poking the bubble of lies I moved into in the last few months. I reverted back to my real self that doesn't deserve anything!" I shouted and rushed out of his house, running away from him as there was no tomorrow. 

I wasn't surprised he left me. I always knew it's an illusion. I just wanted to believe it's real. There's nothing to love about me. I was never happy, I was just dancing on my own. So I ran and ran and without realizing I ended up in front of a familiar house that I avoided so hard lately. 

The tears were dripping endlessly on my cheeks. It was really late at night. My phone kept buzzing, but I couldn't care less about Tae's apologies. I approached the door as my heart thumped faster and faster and I gathered the strength to knock.

I had no explanation for my actions. Why was I here? What was I expecting? There's no way anyone would open this door for me. I froze in place when I heard the door clicking and slowly the light inside making its way out in the dark, revealing my withered face.

Hobi looked at me with the most disturbed facial expression. He was topless and his hair messy. I gulped uncomfortably, while my tears never stopped. Now what?

"Why are you here?" he managed to ask, his voice shaking. Is that all? Is he not worried? Can't he tell I am breaking apart? I just started crying harder at his coldness. 

"Hobi, who is it at this hour? Come back so we can continue what we started!" I could hear a moaning voice from the inside and I could tell right away what was going on.

"Please, you need to leave..." he continued. I took a few steps back, almost collapsing on the steps. Stupid me, there was no place left for me inside his heart. What was I doing, making a fool of myself. I couldn't look him in the eyes and started running again. 

That's how both men that I loved more than anything in this world rejected me one after the other on the same night. Both the moon and the sun left me, leaving my sky in complete darkness. I didn't deserve to live in the same sky with them, just in my own hollow one. I was hopeless. Why was I still shadowing this earth for nothing?