Catharsis

*33*

I don't know how me and Ha-Neul managed to get through the day and pretend we were having fun, despite the turmoil inside. I guess life taught us to be really good actors. 

She was trying desperately to keep her distance and our eyes never met again, not even briefly. I still had a million things to say, but mainly words of regret. And this time I had to do everything to keep my promise. My last chance to not lose myself completely. If she isn't present in my life anymore, I don't think I can continue to live, just exist.

Eventually the day came to an end and we were finally on our way back. I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to be alone as I was afraid of what I might do, so I decided to crash at Jimin's house. As if she anticipated that, she stepped on her heart and sent me a text to make sure I don't do anything stupid.

"I am sorry for overreacting today. I was too harsh on you, it's my fault as well and I am so sorry. Please, don't hate yourself for it. You're finally better and it breaks my heart to know that I've ruined everything we built just for a moment of brute honesty. Don't stop smiling, I beg you! Don't go back to who you were, you need to keep shining! What happened between us doesn't make you a bad person. You are still as precious as the sunlight. You will get better if we stay away from each other. If you don't see me, you won't remind yourself about the errors you've made and you will be able to mend your wounds. So please, stay healthy and try to be happy. You're an idol now, you have so many reasons to smile! And so many people love you! Don't give up. Keep dancing through life."

I buried my face in the bed sheets and couldn't stop myself from crying anymore. She knew me too well, I was hating myself more than ever. I deserved every word of disdain and she was still trying to make it less heavy. I decided her happiness without giving her an option, but she still wanted to make sure I am still smiling and don't blame myself to death. I never felt so sad before, not even after my first girlfriend made me feel like nothing. 

"Hoseokie, what happened?" Jimin spoke in a soft angelic voice, while patting my back in an effort to push out the sadness that took over me. 

"I fucked up everything! I hate myself so much I want to disappear completely!" I cried out desperately.

"Hobi, why would you say that? I thought you were getting better, stop thinking like that!" Jimin shouted terrified, hoping he would never have to deal again with a suicidal me. He covered me with his body and his tears were making their way down my neck. "I won't let you out of my arms until you take all these useless words back!" he threatened. "I love you so much, Hobi, we all love you so much! Please, tell me what's going on!"

"There's something eating me alive, a mix of regret, pain and self hatred. How can I keep living when I destroyed everything I loved?"

"You didn't destroy anything! But you kill me right now! Please, stop! Look at me!" Jimin pulled my face up and froze, seeing how empty I looked. There was no will to live left inside. "I am calling all the boys right now!" he panicked, overwhelmed by the situation. 

I stopped him before he could do that, there was no way Tae would find out about what happened. "Please, don't..." I muttered through tears. "I am sorry I scared you, I will take those words back..."

Jimin relaxed a little bit and sat next to me, placing my head on his shoulder. "Fine. But you need to tell me everything."

I took a big breath, trying not to choke on my own tears "I love her, Jimin. So, so bad. But I pushed her away only to find out she also loved me all this time..." Jimin flinched, utterly surprised at my confession.

"Hobi..." he paused, not knowing what to say. No words would make me feel better.

"I am such a bad joke, such a loser. I wanted so much to think I am doing the right thing that I was completely oblivious to reality!"

"When did you find out?" Jimin asked quietly.

"Earlier on today. While everyone was busy having fun, I took her away. It was an opportunity to have her only for myself again. She looked so tempting, like the forbidden fruit. And once we were alone I misbehaved, going behind Tae's back. I wanted her so bad, there was so much sexual tension..."

"Oh God, Hobi, what did you do?" my friend freaked out.

"I just touched her and while I was feeling her, the desire grew stronger and stronger, but I didn't do anything, I swear! I just couldn't hide my feelings anymore. And it was pointless, she knows me too well, she already considered the possibility... She just needed me to confirm it. And now that the truth is spoken, she wants to stay as far away from me as possible. She loved me from the start, Jimin, but I was completely blind! And because I am a coward I pushed her in Tae's arms. And I have no right to claim her back. I hurt her so bad trying to convince myself it's for her own sake. And I hate myself even more for betraying Taehyung! She doesn't want to have anything to do with me now! And I don't know how to live without her!" I burst into tears again.

"My lost little Hobi, you're too harsh on yourself..." Jimin sighed and pulled me in a hug. "You didn't really do anything that outrageous. Tae knows you love her and I know he will forgive you for your misconduct, it was completely reasonable. But you need to forgive yourself before anything. You need to understand that even if it sounds like the worst decision now, back then you did it for all the good reasons, because of your love for both of them. And do you still think you wouldn't have been happy together?" I nodded in approval, my face still buried in his chest. "Then why are you so angry?"

"Because she said she's never been sadder... What if I am wrong? What if we would have worked out? Fuck it, probably she doesn't even like me anymore..."

"What ifs never helped anyone to go forward in life. You need to move on, Hoseokie. I've seen the text she sent you. She doesn't hate you. She wants you to be happy. And the only way to achieve that is by forgetting everything about her. You have to accept that your world doesn't end with her. Your life doesn't depend on her. Your happiness isn't only her."

"It's over, isn't it? That was her final goodbye..." I asked exhausted, pulling back from his embrace.

"Mhm, it sounded like that. So you need to let go. We need you to let go. Just stop lamenting and bring the cheerful Hobi back. Stop being such a crybaby. You are the only person who can save yourself."

He was right. I was overexaggerating. At the end of the day it's only me and myself left. No one should take care of me more than I can. No one should bring me down if I stand tall. So what if I ended up without her? It was my choice and I did it for a reason. My world isn't her, it consists of so many other beautiful things, moments and people. 

I lost someone precious, but I don't have to lose myself. And I didn't lose her, I could say I just gave her away to someone better for her than me.  And as long as I know about her whereabouts, there is no way I can't stop blaming myself if she is well. With or without me, she will find happiness. With or without her, I will survive. I am my own hope. I will start to believe in myself and begin again. And this time I will listen to my heart before it will be too late. I can't afford to lose anything else.