Catharsis

*27*

The time I was unconscious was way too short and I had no opportunity to have a proper rest after too many sleepless nights. I was glad though it didn't last more than a couple of minutes, so no one had the chance to worry over me.

I opened my eyes to a terrified Yoongi, who was trying angrily to shake my body back to life and I think he actually managed to. "Yoongs, your harsh words took me down literally" I laughed faintly at my joke, but my friend couldn't, too overwhelmed with guilt to feel something else. 

"I am so sorry, Hobi! Are you ok? Does it hurt anywhere? How many fingers do you see?"

"Calm down, hyung, I am fine! Seriously, I mean it! I think I just had a panic attack and I fainted because it felt too hot!" I explained while he helped me to get up and sat me on the chair again.

I took a deep breath and continued after he looked a bit more relaxed. "Thank you, hyung. I am completely awake now thanks to you, literally and metaphorically speaking. But that didn't really change anything. It still hurts, but it's soothing at the same time, knowing she is happy without me. I am sorry I couldn't be strong enough to handle things the way I wanted, but I have the answer to why I refused to accept my feelings. There is a multitude of reasons, actually. The fact that I was too scared to admit I am in love, to stop me from getting hurt again. That I was scared to be cheated on again. That I will be rejected once she knows the real me. That I wanted to stay away because I would inflict a lot of pain, not knowing how to love anymore. That she would do the same to me. The fact that it would upset her too much when she had to refuse me. That I would lose the special connection we've had. That we wouldn't work out and we would bring each other down. That I would lose myself if I would have her, then lose her. That us being together will be the end of us. And lastly, Taehyung. So when I kissed her and she said I am mistaking love with gratitude, I glued myself to that idea, to keep us both safe from each other. I wasn't trying to cheat love, I just stopped reasoning for a moment and my heart took the chance to take the lead and do what I actually always wished to do."

"Hobi, I am sorry I assumed you didn't give it a lot of thought... I just hoped if I encourage you to discern your feelings and confess, it would make everything better. You just look so lost at the moment, sometimes I don't recognize you anymore..."

"Maybe this is the real me and I reveal myself in a different light now that I am willing to love myself. And you said that I will never be happy again or achieve self love, but I am confident I will. I learned a very important lesson from Ha-Neul, that you can live happily for others when you are the reason for their happiness. So I will own up my mistakes, stop lying and start to mean it."

Yoongi gave me a long hug and even though it was suffocating because of the heat, it felt pleasant like a summer breeze. "I am so proud of you, Hobi. You've grown so much. I am sorry I doubted you. You shine so much right now, more than the bright sun on the sky. I hope you found the real you and you are finally at peace." 

"I am sorry to break your bromance, but please, Yoongi, can I have a moment with Hobi?" the unavoidable happened and Ha-Neul interrupted us, asking for her rights to receive an explanation. Yoongi released me and looked at me worriedly, unsure if he should accept her request. I smiled back to reassure him I will hold my ground this time, so he flashed a gummy smile, then left after he pat the top of my head.

Ha-Neul approached me and placed a tray full of watermelon in front of me.

"A token of peace. For the good old days" she smiled a bubbly smile and I stood speechless in front of her radiating beauty. She can stay my friend, my classmate or my fan, but never something more than that. It was that second I renewed my resolution and this time I meant it.

I smiled back and took a piece of the watermelon happily, then she leaned over and squished my cheeks "How much I've missed these cute dimples! I hope you're wearing them all the time, just like you promised the day you got away!" 

"I am really sorry for leaving without a word or explanation and then continue to leave you waiting. I just thought you needed to catch up all the lost time with Tae" I confessed.

"I know all your excuses from him already. I expect the truth this time" she pouted.

"I think you know it already. I won't give in anymore, I've changed quite a lot about myself these few weeks." I boasted.

"Yeah, I heard you've had quite an active life. Your little friend there must be very satisfied!" she chuckled, pointing at my crotch with her eyes and I grabbed the tray and placed it on my lap swiftly. "No wonder you had no time for me! I have recovered well after surgery, thank you for asking!" she continued.

"Please, stop teasing me. I will not fall for your sarcasm. I thought about you every moment and I knew your every step even though I wasn't there. Satisfied? Is that what you want to hear?" I frowned.

"No" she spoke softly. "I actually hoped you forgot about me" she finally sat on the chair next to me.

"Why would you want that? You just said you tried to get in touch with me" I asked confused.

"I did. It hurt me at first but then I think I had no choice but to accept your resolution as well. I accepted things will never be the same between us. So I thought it might be better to forget about each other. Not that would ever be possible, as Tae is in the middle of our equation" she giggled. "But I still hoped and wanted to try my best. But today when I've seen you I just couldn't treat you as a stranger, it felt as if we've never really been apart." she pleaded.

She was right. Us sitting here and chatting felt natural, like nothing ever changed... but everything. "Are you happy?" I still asked for confirmation, despite knowing her answer.

"I am, really really happy! Never been happier!" she got up and twirled happily, her arms wide spread. "I want to dance every step of the way and sing my happiness out! I should join the band!" she chuckled and I let out a small laugh. 

"And how do you feel about yourself? I've noticed you've lost some weight and it doesn't make me very happy" I whined.

"Don't worry, Hobi, that's part of the big scheme of things. In order to love myself more I've lost some weight as my looks were always a flaw and getting in the way. So losing some weight has helped to watch my reflection in the mirror with less repugnance. And the plan is going really well, I am more at peace with myself. I do everything I want and Tae is very loving and understanding both when I am having a mental breakdown or when I am happily enjoying life. 

"The weight loss wasn't really necessary, you know?" I complained.

"I know, for you, Tae or the rest of the world. But to me it was. And it was nice being motivated to do something that would contribute to my happiness. Tae is quite upset actually, he said he doesn't want to lose any gram of me" she laughed lovingly.

"You look head over heels." I said with a warm gaze, deciding to choose contentment over pain.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about actually. I wanted to thank you. Thank you so much for pushing me in Tae's direction, I would have never done it on my own as I was completely blind to happiness. He's been my redemption. So thank you for saving me and for helping me live" she said softly while bowing deeply. 

I was not surprised at her warmth anymore but I was suddenly overwhelmed with all sorts of new positive emotions. I've taken the right path, I was convinced now. I won't change my mind and no one would get hurt anymore. I got up and ruffled her hair affectionately, then left without saying anything. I knew she had tears in her eyes, I just hoped they were all happy tears. And I didn't want to look back as there was no way back to her.

I broke up with my girlfriend later that day. The least I needed was someone reminding me of my impossible love. And there was no way I could have loved her. I resigned with the fact that I will never find someone to replace Ha-Neul and there was no point in doing it. So I decided to stay single and focus on myself, finding other ways towards self love that would not cause any harm. There was no resentment left inside of me, just a vague feeling of emptiness that will never leave me.