Catharsis

*25*

Here I was, running away again. I should have stayed strong on my decision and witness the path that I created. But I couldn't. I wanted to be there with happiness written all over my face, but I didn't want to look fake. They would see through it anyways. But somehow I had to find a solution to not let it show and stop it from burdening me. I had to let go forever.

"I suppose that means you took a decision" Jimin spoke out of nowhere. "But why do you look so troubled? Why did you run away?" he asked softly, stroking the back of my head. 

"Because I had to do what was needed, not what I wanted. But it is my decision and now that I took it, it is the one I want." I said in a decisive tone.

"Does that mean you finally figured out your feelings?" Jimin asked holding my hand. 

"No. And I don't want to think about it anymore. There are no feelings between me and Ha-Neul from now on, except friendship. I won't dwell on it, there's no point anymore. I want to focus only on myself from now on."

"I hope you really mean it, Hobi and you are at peace with your choice. I hope it won't haunt you, but I will never let go of your hand, if it feels too heavy, please talk to me. And thank you for loving Tae so much."

"Thank you for loving me although I lack so much. And thank you for keeping it a secret from everyone else." 

I hugged him, feeling grateful to the universe for the millionth time for blessing me with such good friends. 

Days have passed and I never went back to the hospital to see Ha-Neul. Spring packed its luggage and took the flowers away, letting summer to take charge. The weather was nice and warm, but despite the season, I wasn't feeling very welcoming. 

She didn't even texted me once. Or maybe she did, I refused to know so I changed my number. I knew she was in good company and Tae was keeping her busy. I didn't let it trouble me. I had decided to say nothing. And considering my recent behaviour, she probably resented me.

I wanted to apologize and explain myself on days when I was weak. But I had to keep myself away from her so I can move on. I have likely lost not only a special friendship, but the only person that could make me feel like maybe I was a sunshine. 

I knew she was going to become Tae's girlfriend eventually and then I couldn't avoid her anymore, but I just hoped I would have enough time to steel myself before it happens.

To keep myself distracted I started dating. The band was getting more and more popular and we had a lot of fans that would come to see us practicing. We had a couple of requests to perform at some local events or birthday parties. 

I was getting attention from a lot of girls and even if I knew it was all fake as none knew the real me, it helped to fill the void. Don't get me wrong, I was putting a lot of effort in it, trying to find someone to make me happy. It was just so hard after the deception in my past to open up and trust someone new. I didn't want to end up hurt when I was trying to heal my wounds. But they were all short lasting relationships. 

My expectations were too high because of Ha-Neul. She's given me so much love as a friend, so I expected so much more from a lover, if that was even possible. But no one was even getting near my standards. No one could make me feel that loved and that precious. Not one of a kind. Not a literal sunshine. Just a future idol that has the looks, the talent and the notoriety. It didn't stop loving myself, but it didn't help me grow either. So if I didn't feel a spark, I would just stop before they would get too attached, before hurting them. Before hurting myself. 

When I wasn't busy dating, I was hanging out with my friends or practicing hard. I never resented Tae again and I was satisfied knowing he is happy. It took a while until they started dating. Even after she's been discharged, she was still with her previous boyfriend. I don't think it was hard for her to break up with him, more to accept the change and leave the past behind. And then she didn't jump straight in Tae's arms, he had to wait patiently for a few weeks until she was ready. I think she wanted to give herself some more time to learn to love herself to not burden Taehyung and cling to him. Even though I avoided her completely, I knew everything that was related to her.