Catharsis

*21*

I tried hard to convince Jimin to go back to class when I decided to skip school. There was nothing there for me anymore and I wasn't feeling very well, I just needed time for myself. 

The weather wasn't very nice although summer was closing in, but it suited my mood. I decided to go for a long walk to give myself time to be thorough cleaning my consciousness. 

As the time passed by my thoughts turned darker. I couldn't help but wonder why Ha-Neul didn't say anything to me. We were together. She knew I saw everything. Why wasn't she looking for me? Isn't she worried? Was everything an illusion? Was it all a lie? Now that she has Tae she doesn't need me anymore?

I was already miserable and the possibility of her leaving me was turning slowly into a fact. I started feeling unworthy again, thinking it was all an act. Maybe all she wanted was Tae. Maybe she used me. I checked my phone the millionth time and there was still no text, no missed call. 

Who was I fooling all this time? It was all in my mind, just a masquerade. It has never been real and all my self confidence scattered in a second. Was I ever right or was I just trying to convince myself I am fine? Only for her sake?

As if that was the only thing missing to turn this day into the worst one possible, my body collided into someone else's. I was afraid for a moment to check who was the owner as it felt too familiar. I could hear the voice before seeing the face, but I don't know which one would have made a stronger impression on me at that moment. My ex girlfriend was the least I would need right now when my self love faded away.

"Is it that hard to focus on the road?! Oh, Hobi? Is that really you? Wow, what a nice surprise!"

 I had no strength left to despise her and with the current me that regressed to its original state, it felt like I slightly missed her, just like in the old days when she was my everything and I was nothing to her. It felt as if we were never apart. She looked beautiful like always, but I knew underneath the beauty was distorted. 

"Hi" I said weakly. 

"Oh, that's a huge improvement since last time we've met, I thought you were about to strangle me to death!" she chuckled. She wasn't far away from the truth though. She continued "You don't look very well. Should I cheer you up? I was about to meet this guy for a date, but I suddenly don't feel like it anymore. I want to spend time with you as it's such a rare opportunity!" 

I couldn't tell if my heart started beating faster due to happiness that she's chosen me instead of some random guy or of fear to give into her lies again. I knew it was all fake but I still agreed to go out with her. As if she was controlling me again. All my efforts went to waste in a second. 

We entered a café nearby and she sat too close to me. I didn't reject it though. I wanted to order a strong espresso to wake me up from my numbness, but she took the initiative and ordered a bottle of wine. I tried to stop her but to no avail. 

"It's such a special occasion and we need to celebrate! One glass won't kill you!" she went ahead with ordering. Me and alcohol don't mix well and this is the worst moment to get drunk. But somehow the idea didn't sound that bad, at least it would help me forget about everything. So what if I lose control of myself? I had none anyways, my life was a complete wreck. 

She was busy bickering while I was drowning myself in the wine, impassible to the consequences. I was still checking my phone every few minutes, clinging on the thinnest ray of hope, as my vision was getting blurry. But no matter how drowsy my body was feeling, my mind was more awake than ever.

When I had a glance at my phone again I felt my hand being gripped and the phone dropped on the glass table with a loud thud and I was suddenly reminded of the surroundings. I was there with my ex girlfriend, the stupid me. She was still holding my hand tight and I noticed she was looking at me with a warm expression.

"I really missed you, Hobi!" she said softly and she looked sincere. I was surprised at her confession. "I will take this chance to apologize for all the pain I've caused you. Actually I've never been right since we broke up. Life without you was so dull and cold. I should have never let you go!"

I wanted to believe her, but everything sounded too good to be true. She looked more beautiful than before, maybe because for the first time I could see past the hate that I've built up against her. My heart skipped a beat. Maybe she was right before and no one would ever love me if she doesn't. 

She was leaning closer and I could hear her breath getting louder and louder. It sent chills down my spine. I wanted to move away but my body was too groggy. There was a conflict inside of me between the desire to feel loved and the fear of rejection. She was giving me these vibes from the start. But I felt so empty, I needed to be filled up with something, real love or not. 

As I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life, I heard my phone ringing and an unknown strength took over my body and I pulled away in a flash to grab the phone and answer the call. I didn't even got the chance to see who the caller was.

"Hobi, where are you? I was so worried! Are you ok?" Jimin's voice popped in my ears and it made me sober up. "You need to come, we are all gathered at the studio, waiting for you!"  

My eyes shifted on my drinking partner and she didn't look happy at all, scoffing and frowning, showing her true colours. Now that I could see clearly, I was sure it was all fake. She was only having fun, she didn't care at all about me and I was just about to fall in her trap. I was so grateful to Jimin, he saved me from doing something really stupid that I would have regretted for the rest of my life. 

"I'm on my way now, sorry I made you worry, I lost the sense of time and space!" I got up from the table and glared at my ex "I've been busy dealing with my awful past!" Then I rushed through the door without looking back and started running as fast as I could, to try and shake away all the poison she inflicted. 

---------------------------------------------

Jimin greeted me with a big hug but ended it quickly, giving me a questionable look. The rest of the boys gathered around to do the same. Surprisingly Taehyung was there too. 

"You reek of alcohol, what the fuck?" Yoongi growled. 

"Hyuuuung, what happened?" Jungkook shouted worriedly. They were all giving me emotional looks. If I was drinking, it was a bad sign.

"I am fine, really, all of you need to calm down! I've just had a moment of weakness and was about to make a huge mistake, but thankfully Jimin stopped me right on time! Thank you, Jiminie!" I smiled and ruffled his hair affectionately. 

"What are you talking about, Hoseokie? I've tried to ring you like a million times before, but the voicemail was always coming through. I would have stopped you earlier if you would have picked up your damn phone!" Jimin complained.

My mind froze and I just flopped on the floor, making the boys even more worried. "So I went through hell just because my phone had no reception?" I started laughing hysterically, then ended up in tears. I was feeling too overwhelmed and I was wondering why did I have to suffer for all the stupid reasons. Why couldn't I have faith? She never abandoned me, I was just untouchable. 

Taehyung sat down next to me and started to pat my back. "My dear Hoseokie, please, be strong". For a second I felt a slight repulsion at his touch but I pushed that awful feeling away instantly. Somehow he looked sadder than me. Jimin sat next to me on the other side and the rest of the boys circled me with their love. As I was telling them about my ill fated encounter, Namjoon got a call and I could see a worried look appear on his face after he answered. He ended up the call quickly and clapped his hands, urging us to give him our attention.

"We need to hurry to the hospital, Cho just told me Ha-Neul ended up at the emergency room after a crisis of acute appendicitis! She's having surgery now!" I jumped up on my feet, quickly followed by Tae and the rest of the boys. 

I felt like crying again and just wanted to kick myself so hard for ever thinking bad about Ha-Neul. I rushed through the door, hoping I could forgive myself for being weak and stupid, hoping I could love myself again after I see her smiling loving face. Hoping she will want to see me and will not hate me for betraying her trust.