Catharsis

*13*

There were a few days left of our spring holiday and somehow I ended up inviting Ha-Neul to come over to my house in the evening for a movie night. My dad was away with work again and I was feeling quite lonely. I also decided to gather the courage to get to know her better. I wanted to give something back to her after she's been so nice to me.

We never really talked about what happened between her and Taehyung. And I didn't really want to bring it up. She either doesn't want to talk about it or assumes I know the story from the other party involved. We've been messaging each other these days, but ended up having only small talk.

It was the first time it would be only the two of us and it made me a bit nervous. Tae was supposed to come but had to cancel last minute as his grandma was visiting.

We decided to watch some anime as she was really into it, even though I wasn't a huge fan. Another thing in common with Tae, I thought to myself. Is there such a huge gap between us? How can I close the distance?

I watched her as the first episode started playing. She was already singing along to the intro even though she had no idea about the words, putting on a small dance performance using all of her body at the same time. It made me chuckle fondly.

I remembered that day when she confessed her previous boyfriend cheated on her and how she looked so sad. But she looks so happy and cheerful all the time. I remembered her conversation with Tae (the one I shouldn't know about) and I was convinced she puts on a mask, just like I used to. I can't help but wonder how and why it happened. 

She doesn't look like a girl that you would have any reason to cheat on. I don't know her that well, but she's been really kind and warm to me from the start, even if I was a dick. Not to mention she is pretty. She doesn't have the looks to kill for or a super hot body, but there was something unique about her features. She doesn't look plain and has that something that makes her stand out in a crowd. I imagine she would make a great girlfriend. Then why? It made no fucking sense at all.

"C-can I ask you a question?" I asked shyly. She stopped goofing around and paused the video.

"I don't know, can you?" she said with a smirk on her face.

"Stop teasing meeee!" I pouted. "I will go ahead and ask!" I could see her giving me her full attention so that made me nervous. I suddenly gulped and looked uncomfortable.

"Hoseok, stop acting like a 3 year old kid! You can even ask me how I lost my virginity, I don't mind! Just ask already, the curiosity is killing me!" she said impatiently.

I don't know what was with this girl being so blunt. I didn't know if I should laugh or run far away from her, but it gave me the confidence to ask the question "What do you think it was the reason that your ex-boyfriend cheated on you?" 

I looked at her not knowing what will follow, will she get upset, will she not answer or will she kill me. To my utmost surprise she just sighed in relief and smiled back at me "Is that what it was? Seeing your reaction I didn't know what to expect!" I wondered what she thought I might have asked, but I didn't give it too much thought. I just wanted to hear her answer and I was quite excited that I was going to get one.

"At first I thought he stopped having feelings for me or that he was getting bored. We were together for a few years so it can happen once you get into a routine. I thought the fact that we broke up was a good thing, to be honest. We weren't doing very well. I was happy with the break up, I was just hurt he had to cheat on me first and I couldn't understand why. All these negative thoughts overwhelmed me and I thought the worst about myself, not blaming him anymore, but blaming myself for not being good enough. But then I realized I was wrong all along and stopped blaming him, the one at fault was mainly me." I just watched her sinking in the sofa with a lost look in her eyes. What does she mean? He was the one who cheated on her, did she do something first?

Then she continued "The reason why he cheated on me is that I lost myself. I was constantly depressed. I was needy all the time, too clingy. He was just fed up, I guess. I wasn't the person he fell in love with anymore. So it made sense to move to someone else."

"No, it doesn't!" I suddenly shouted, making Ha-Neul slip from the sofa, her gaze widened in surprise. "That's not a reason for him to give up on you, he should have fought for you! You were still you, depressed or not! And if you ended up depressed, isn't that his fault in the first place? I bet he wasn't taking good care of you! He didn't only cheated on you, he abandoned you as well!"

I got so angry at her explanation, she said it made sense to her, but to me it was all a big bullshit! I could suddenly feel her arms around my waist and I froze. She whispered "Why are you getting so upset for nothing? It's not worth it. I am not worth it" She sounded so sad while patting my back.

 "That's not tr..." I tried to say, but she continued "It was my mistake so I am the one that should be angry, not you. You have plenty to deal with already. But thank you, my dear friend!" she gave me a sad smile and then detached her arms from my waist.

I suddenly felt cold as she walked away. "Let's move on to happier thoughts. Should we continue watching the episode?" she asked as if nothing ever happened. I suddenly became upset again and just rushed to her side grabbing the remote control from her hands and turned off the screen. She gave me the most confused look possible.

"No! I said abruptly and I just pulled on her sweater gently enough for her to fall on the sofa, while I sat next to her. "I want to know more. And I want you to know my story!"